The smiling, dancing and jabbering have always made Terrence Hargrove Jr. a conspicuous figure during practices and pregame warmups at Chaifetz Arena.
The St. Louis University senior is the big personality for the Billikens, with no one a close second.
But recently, Hargrove endured challenges in his life that led to depression and worse, he said, as school, family and other issues left him with little enthusiasm for basketball and sometimes not wanting to leave his apartment.
Hargrove went public Monday when he alluded to the problems in a Twitter post and declared that he had regained his happiness. But the dark side of his battle went much deeper, he revealed before practice.
"I was in a don't-care moment. That's when I wanted to throw in the towel but I couldn't do it — like suicidal, done," he said. "I really had a lot of suicidal thoughts during that time. I was in my room alone a lot. That's what scares me. That's why I hate to be alone sometimes. Those are things I didn't share with many people."
Hargrove did share his thoughts with his parents and now wants to talk openly to help others who might have similar issues.
He lost 15 pounds after returning from SLU's tour of Europe in late August, not to get in better shape but because he was eating poorly or little and not sleeping well. He lost physical and mental strength and spent practices looking forward to the end so he could go home.
The process of recovery for Hargrove included long talks with his parents and teammates Lamont Evans IV and Sincere Parker and reading his Bible.
"I made the Twitter post because I realized all the progress I've made in self-happiness," he said. "I looked in the mirror and realized how much I've gained. I see myself glowing."
Mental health is a much-discussed issue within college athletics and took on greater emphasis during the peak of COVID-19. The NCAA transformation committee last week issued a report with one of its top recommendations being improved support for athletes' mental, physical and academic well-being.
Hargrove didn't miss practices or games, but his head was not clear of the distractions, which he said included negativity expressed about him from the outside.
"It was keeping me up at night, and I wasn't getting the correct sleep, not the correct food," he said. "I would be up all night and thrown off in practice and games. Sometimes I didn't want to play games. I didn't really want to leave my room sometimes, but I had to. I wanted to get out of that because it wasn't me."
Hargrove said he has remained at the lower weight of 210 pounds but has added muscle. For a while it kept him from being able to compete at a high level.
"I couldn't match up against Javon (Pickett) in practice because he was stronger than me, and I didn't care," he said.
Hargrove said his situation is not uncommon among college athletes. After a recent game, Yuri Collins made a vague reference to the outside elements that impact players.
"Everyone's got their own issues they might have at the moment," Collins said. "You really don't know what it is."
Hargrove said he tried to camouflage his depression by maintaining a happy attitude on the floor. He is thankful for long talks and motivation given by Evans, who is his roommate, and Parker, who visits his room regularly to chat, as well as his mom and dad.
He said the slow process of "winning each day" led to a change that helped him reach this point. When he woke up Monday, it was another step in his recovery.
"I felt great," he said. "I went to weights and had a great session. I went to my room and cleaned up a little and listened to music. It's been a great day overall. I'm happy to be alive and that I made it through tough times."
The university offers counseling to students. The SLU Counseling Center can be reached at 314-977-8255 (TALK) or by visiting the clinic on the second floor of Wuller Hall at 3711 West Pine Mall.
Additionally, 988 is a nationwide three-digit number for mental health crisis and suicide-prevention services.
