The question My husband and I have been together for 20 years and have two children. He worked in the corporate world, which he increasingly hated. He kept leaving and applying for different jobs, none of which worked out, and he said this was because he was constantly overlooked for promotion. Last year he left to retrain as a therapist, something I supported him in. It was agreed I’d financially support us while he trained.
Is it a normal part of both undergoing therapy or training as a therapist to become… well… self-regarding? I am finding him increasingly hard to connect with. He seems to think only about his own needs, his own feelings, and is tuned out of the needs of others. He talks of “doing a lot of work on himself”; takes long walks; plays guitar all day and goes away with his new therapy friends.
If I ask him to help around the house, he’s resentful. He never acknowledges my support, financial, emotional or practical. I wouldn’t mind a little bit of awareness of what I do. I have always been the main carer for the children and the main breadwinner. I work long hours, do most of the cooking and all of the extracurricular and household admin. I’m exhausted and overstretched. He gets annoyed if I try to talk to him about this and says I’m playing the martyr. He seems to resent my work, which is strange because it’s keeping us all afloat. He is now saying that when he qualifies, he thinks he will just do pro-bono work. I was staggered to hear this. I find being the sole earner stressful. Am I wrong to feel frustrated and overlooked by his current attitude to our lives?
Philippa’s answer Your husband’s history of being overlooked for promotions in his former career could suggest a pattern of not engaging as a team player, which may have been an issue long before this current situation. In corporate environments, promotions are often linked not just to individual competence but also to one’s ability to collaborate, adapt, lead and engage with others in a meaningful way. If he wasn’t promoted, it could indicate that he struggled with teamwork. Therapy, ideally, would help him recognise these patterns of behaviour and their wider impact, both in his professional life and his relationships. If the focus of his therapy has been almost entirely on his internal world, without connecting it to how he interacts with and affects others, it’s possible he hasn’t yet faced or addressed the relational aspects that may have hindered him in the past.
Good therapy doesn’t just make someone more introspective; it should help them understand how they show up in different spaces, be it at work, in friendships or in a marriage. If his therapy hasn’t yet made him aware of the impact he has on others, it might be that he has a limited and individualistic view of personal growth. Recognising how he affects others could lead him to greater self-awareness about not just his own needs, but also the responsibilities that come with being part of a couple. Emotional growth should foster better balance and accountability, not avoidance of shared obligations. But unfortunately, not all therapy is good therapy.
Name-calling you “a martyr” is not only bullying behaviour but it also allows him to avoid facing the reality that you are overwhelmed and in need of more support. Your feelings are valid and expressing them isn’t martyrdom, it’s sharing how you feel and asking for fairness in the relationship. He seems to be projecting his discomfort on to you rather than taking responsibility for his part in the imbalance.
It’s worth pointing out that supporting his retraining was meant to lead to him becoming more financially independent and taking on some of the burden. The fact he’s now proposing a plan that would not help alleviate any of the financial pressure you’re under seems unfair and shortsighted. You have every right to feel upset by this. The issue here seems to be a breakdown in communication. The longer this goes unaddressed, the more your resentment will grow. It may be time to have a serious, direct conversation about your needs, your concerns and the impact this situation is having on your mental and emotional wellbeing.
He felt entitled to promotions he didn’t get and now he feels entitled to your unacknowledged, unquestioning support forever. If he won’t take on board how this affects you, you may want to think about what emotional, financial or practical contributions he is making to your life and the lives of your children and whether you will tolerate the present situation to continue or not.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
