At first it was just little things that made Susan* suspect there were issues in her daughter's relationship.
Jennifer's* partner was often missing at important family occasions like Christmas.
Susan felt like he was trying to estrange her daughter from the family.
Jennifer had lost weight, never answered the phone and didn't seem to have money.
"We saw a few red flags there and my husband and I would discuss [things like] do you think there is a possibility of physical violence?" Susan said.
More than a decade into her daughter's relationship Susan summoned the courage to ask her "does your partner pose a risk to you and your children at home? Is he violent?"
"It was very difficult," Susan said.
"You don't want to estrange your child from you, so we had to go a little bit cautiously."
It has been three years since Jennifer, now 38, escaped the violent and controlling relationship she had been in since she was a teenager.
She said she didn't know if she would have escaped if her parents and best friend had not asked if she was safe at home.
"Just by stepping out of their comfort zone they saved my life and my children's lives."
Question creates new possibilities
Jennifer didn't feel safe to disclose the violence when her mum first asked.
However, she said the question opened her mind to the possibility that her life could be different and there were friends and family that would support her to leave.
"It might not happen in that moment, but you've opened a window," she said.
"You've given them another option in life."
Jennifer furtively planned the escape alone once she'd decided to leave the relationship.
She reached out in the final stages to the people who had been checking in on her welfare for practical support.
Their help ranged from finding a place to live and registering for Centrelink to picking up second hand furniture and storing important documents.
Jennifer said it was not safe for many survivors of family violence to engage services or authorities to escape, so family and friends could be the only option to get to safety.
How to ask, are you safe at home?
The peak body for specialist family violence services in Victoria, Safe and Equal, is encouraging people to ask the question: are you safe at home?
Chief executive Tania Farha said family violence was everyone's business and asking the question could be life-changing.
"So many victim-survivors have told us how meaningful it was to have someone in their life ask them, 'are you safe at home?'," she said.
She said people who used violence were experts at isolating, controlling and eroding self-esteem to make their victims feel afraid to speak out or seek help.
Jennifer enjoying new freedom
Jennifer is still relishing freedoms she can enjoy for the first time in her adult life despite leaving the relationship three years ago.
"Every aspect of my life was controlled, I had never even sat in a cafe by myself," she said.
"Now I am loving these little, tiny things — being able to go out, have friends, speak freely on my phone … it feels great."
Her mother Susan said people needed to have the courage to ask the question, more than once, if they believed a friend or family member was experiencing domestic abuse.
"If that relationship doesn't look safe from the outside, maybe it plants a seed for the victim-survivor that 'Actually, maybe what I am in is not OK'," she said.
She said not to doubt the person or ask them why they hadn't left earlier.
"If a person tells you they are in a dangerous situation always believe them and give them 100 per cent of your support," she said.
Jennifer said being able to talk through her situation without judgement was most helpful for her as well as the practical support she got when she left the relationship.
"It's actually harder once you leave, that's when you need the support honestly," she said.
"Things like providing meals, helping clean the house, little things like that can really lift you up."
She said her mum did an order of groceries for her.
"There were some treats in there for the kids and it was like Christmas," she said.
If you are concerned someone may be experiencing family violence the Are You Safe At Home website has tips on how to approach the conversation, as well as services you can refer people to in each Australian state or territory.
*Names have been changed.
