We’ve heard of the Heimlich maneuver as a restaurant lifesaver, but a rear-naked chokehold?
Police credited UFC fighter Kevin Holland and two others for saving numerous lives when they rushed and subdued a man who fired a gun at Houston’s RA Sushi. They had the perp gift-wrapped for arriving police — in the rear-naked choke — and he credited his MMA training for it.
“Besides doing cage fighting, I train self-defense first and foremost,” Holland told ESPN. “For me, that was the best way to defend myself at the moment.
“Plus, I like Batman.”
Tournament headlines
— At TheOnion.com: “Report: Secretly watching March Madness during work way less fun working remotely.”
— At Fark.com: “Kentucky’s championship hopes were dead when they met St. Peter’s.”
Illegal forward pass
Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes and longtime girlfriend Brittany Matthews got married in Hawaii on March 12.
It was the first bridal bouquet ever thrown with a no-look pass.
The Enron of footballs
If you’re commiserating about the stock market’s recent dive, just be glad you didn’t pay $518,000 for that ball from Tom Brady’s “final” touchdown pass.
Well, he is No. 3
Not that the Russell Wilson hype train is already off the tracks for Denver fans, but KOAA-TV in Colorado Springs offered its viewers this poll last week:
“Who is the greatest Broncos quarterback of all time?
“a) Russell Wilson
“b) Peyton Manning
“c) John Elway
“d) Gary Kubiak”
Wilson had 8% of the vote in early returns, compared to Elway’s 57%, Manning’s 30% and Kubiak’s 5%.
Operating in the Red
Speaking of ex-Seattle icons, No. 6 on the Reds’ payroll this year is Ken Griffey Jr. Griffey hasn’t played for Cincinnati since 2008, but draws $3.6 million annually in deferred payments through 2024.
Have a bite
Now you too can get an earful from Mike Tyson.
The ex-champ, 55, will be selling “Mike Bites” — edible weed gummies that look like Evander Holyfield’s ear after Tyson took a bite out of it during their infamous 1997 fight.
Hold your horses
PETA, saying “words matter,” wants to change the football term “horse-collar tackle” to “Goodell Grab or back-collar tackle, as neither of these terms normalizes animal abuse.”
Though, to be fair, none of the horses we talked to seemed offended by it.
Get out your road map
No wonder U.S. kids are scoring lower and lower in geography these days.
The NCAA men’s tournament has declared Arizona No. 1 in the South and Baylor No. 1 in the East.
Good question
If guys retire to spend more time with their family, doesn’t it stand to reason they unretire to spend less time with them?
Go down gambling
Some $3.1 billion will be bet — legally or illegally — on this year’s NCAA Tournament, according to the he American Gaming Association.
Or was it the Bettor Business Bureau?
Talking the talk
— David Whitley of the Gainesville (Fla.) Sun, on LSU waiting three years since the incriminating FBI wiretaps to finally fire basketball coach Will Wade: “In related news, LSU announced it was suspending Pete Maravich for selling autographs during the 1968-69 season.”
— CBS’s Stephen Colbert, via Twitter, on Bucs QB Tom Brady’s unretirement: “Brady got one taste of what it’s like to help kids with math homework and decided to return to being tackled by the largest men in the world.”
Squatterback
If Browns QB Baker Mayfield does get traded, here’s hoping his new team pays him enough so he can stop living in the stadium.
Bracket racket
— Former Seattle Post-Intelligencer columnist Art Thiel, via Twitter, on St. Peter’s upset of Kentucky: “Seeing John Calipari losing in the NCAA first round to a 15 seed creates that same cuddly feeling I recall from ‘Jaws’ when the shark blows up.”
— Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, on the biggest cheaters in sports: “Barry Bonds, Lance Armstrong, every NASCAR crew chief and those of you who fill out more than one NCAA tournament bracket.”
— Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on New Mexico State guard Teddy Allen playing for his fifth school in five seasons: “Some might wonder about his academic major. I’m guessing geography.”
Play better next time
If you’re arguing that your favorite basketball team should have made the cut for a 68-team tournament, that team didn’t get “snubbed.”
Quote, end quote
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, via Twitter, after the Dodgers paid $162 million for Freddie Freeman and the Rockies $182 million for Kris Bryant: “Yeah, I can see why MLB needed to lock out players because the owners couldn’t afford to stay in business otherwise.”
— RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on Houston ranking No. 8 in a survey of the 10 best U.S. cities for a quick visit: “Or No. 1 if you were an NFL team.”
— Patriots coach Bill Belichick, to reporters, on opportunistic CB J.C. Jackson — who just signed with the Chargers — registering 25 interceptions on his first 67 NFL games: “You leave any trash laying around, he’s going to pick it up.”
— Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, with a perfect job for suspended horseman Bob Baffert: “Training Russian figure skaters.”
