The NFL fined Bucs QB Tom Brady $11,139 for attempting to kick the Falcons’ Grady Jarrett after Brady was tackled.
So there you have it: the league’s first roughing-the-sacker penalty.
Headlines
— At Fark.com: “What are you in for? Bank robbery. You? Murder. You? Cheating at fishing.”
— At BorowitzReport.com: “Herschel Walker categorically denies ever playing football.”
On thin ice
The Western Hockey League’s Swift Current Broncos reported a net loss of $349,000 for the 2021-22 season.
That’s what you call caught crossing the red line.
He hits strikes
Dodgers outfielder Mookie Betts celebrated his 30th birthday by bowling a 300 game two days later.
A true unicorn, he’s a 300 hitter in two sports.
Underwhelming
The over-under for Thursday night’s Bears-Commanders game was 38.
The points scored (19), punts (10) and sacks (8) didn’t even add up to that.
Tweet of the Week
“If they made ‘Bull Durham’ today, Nuke LaLoosh would be on a pitch count and never see the 5th (expletive) inning.” — @Super70sSports
Big Bet Machine
BetMGM announced that it is now an official sports betting partner of the Cincinnati Reds, including a sportsbook at Great American Ballpark.
“Say what?” said Pete Rose, dropping his tout sheet.
Not so fast, my friend
Cassie, a robot developed at Oregon State, broke the world record for bipedal robots by clocking 24.73 seconds in the 100-meter dash.
But rumor has it they found STP in its postrace urine sample.
Field goals galore
This score in from the Big Ten: Illinois 9, Iowa 6.
Even more amazing: It wasn’t played on a Thursday night!
Go east, young man
Missouri, despite being nearly 900 miles from the Atlantic Ocean, is somehow in the SEC’s Eastern Division.
And we wonder why three-fourths of U.S. eighth-graders test below proficient in geography?
Cure for insomnia
— Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune, via Twitter, after ex-Chargers LB Shawne Merriman said he got eight hours of sleep Thursday for the first time in, like, forever: “Watching Bears-Commanders?”
Talking the talk
— David Whitley of the Gainesville (Fla.) Sun, after Florida LB David Reese signed an NIL deal with Reese’s peanut butter cups: “Imagine other possibilities on the UF roster: Ventrell Miller Beer. Daejon Reynolds Wrap. Josh Braun Shavers …”
— Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, on “Fat Bear Week” in Alaska, when bears gorge on salmon before going into hibernation: “Hey, that sounds like Nick Saban on National Signing Day!”
— Warriors guard Steph Curry, to reporters, on 7-foot-4 French wunderkind Victor Wembanyama: “He’s like the (NBA) 2K create-a-player; he’s every point guard that wants to be 7 foot. Cheat-code type vibes, man.”
Heavyweight champion
Travis Gienger of Anoka, Minn., broke the U.S. pumpkin record by producing a 2,560-pounder at the 49th World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off in Half Moon Bay, Calif.
Steroid tests are pending.
Roughing the refs
— Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, on a highly questionable roughing-the-passer call benefiting Bucs QB Tom Brady: “I’ve seen more vicious tackles waiting in line at Starbucks.”
— Tom Pelissero of NFL Network, on a similarly questionable call in the Chiefs-Raiders game: “Chris Jones just became the first player in NFL history called for roughing the passer while holding the ball.”
— Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com: “After the roughing-the-passer call on Chris Jones in the third quarter, Raider fans are forever forbidden to moan about “The Tuck Rule’ ever again.”
— Fox rules analyst Mike Pereira, via Twitter, on the Jones call: “I’m sitting at a bar drinking Tito’s with Chief fans yelling at me. I do not blame them!”
Illegal contact
Angry Raiders receiver Davante Adams flattened a TV cameraman on his way to the locker room Monday night, earning himself a misdemeanor assault charge.
He’s lucky he didn’t get flagged for press interference.
Quote marks
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the Blue Jays’ painful collapse with an 8-1 lead in the AL wild-card playoffs: “On the other hand, they’ve been made honorary Toronto Maple Leafs.”
— Robert Griffin III of ESPN, on Thursday Night Football: “Anybody know if Amazon Prime can deliver a same-day touchdown?”
— Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on the minor leagues’ use of a pitch clock cutting games from an average of 3:05 to 2:38: “With the clock and the shift ban, MLB games are about to get a lot more watchable.”
