Who needs to go to Beijing when we’ve got winter games right here, virtually in our backyard?
The bar stool ski races headline the 43rd annual Cabin Fever Days in Martin City, Montana, which conclude Sunday. Contestants race on bar stools attached to skis in double-elimination, side-by-side races, and must remain “in drinking position” atop their stool when they cross the finish line — at least figuratively.
“You can’t compete in this sport if you’re inebriated,” race announcer Steve Paugh told the Flathead (Montana) Beacon. “You’ve got to be on your game.”
Headlines
— At TheOnion.com: “ ‘I want to be in the Olympics someday,’ says delusional kindergartner already 4 years behind in elite training.”
— At Fark.com: “Do those two halfpipes make a fullpipe?”
Out of bounds
SiriusXM fired PGA Tour Radio analyst Mark Lye after he said on-air “I’ll shoot myself” rather than watch a WNBA game.
Now they call him Unplayable Lye.
Uniform code
Five female competitors were disqualified from the Olympic mixed team ski-jump final near Beijing because officials said their jumpsuits didn’t comply with the rules.
The NFL, simply out of habit, piled on with a $10,000 fine.
We are the world
The NFL announced plans to play games this year in England, Mexico and Germany.
Hey, since the Super Bowl winner always proclaims themselves as world champions, it’s a good start.
Squeeze play
Breaking NFL news: An unnamed linebacker was reportedly fined for hugging too hard while making a tackle in the Pro Bowl.
Horsing around
The Budweiser Clydesdales turned a lot of heads when they showed up for this year’s Super Bowl.
No, wait — that was the Rams’ offensive line.
Pay for not-play
The Mets, for the first time since 1994, have scheduled on Old Timers’ Day Game for Aug. 27.
Apparently Bobby Bonilla won’t be invited until he stops drawing his annual $1.2 million paychecks.
Talking the talk
— Bills WR Stefon Diggs, via Twitter, on facing his younger brother — Cowboys CB Trevon Diggs — in the Pro Bowl: “I break the huddle and look across from me I see one of the best players in the world and guess who changed his diapers.”
— At Fark.com, on why Washington’s NFL team should have renamed themselves Commodores instead of Commanders: “Because they’re easy on Sunday morning.”
Cruel and unusual
Because of a glitch, some Seattle Mazda drivers can’t tune their AM radios away from KUOW.
Just be glad it isn’t KIRO and nonstop loops of the closing seconds of the Seahawks-Patriots Super Bowl.
Quote marks
— New Dolphins coach Mike McDaniel, to reporters, on criticism he’s never been a head coach: “The thing that trips me up is every single head coach in the history of football has never been a head coach until he’s been a head coach. Everyone has to have their first time.”
— Surfer Kelly Slater, 50, to AP, not worried about any retirement plans: “Everyone who retires from surfing just goes surfing more.”
— Former Minnesota basketball coach Jim Dutcher, 88, to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, on his secret for longevity: “Your parents — you pick your parents well. You get those long-living genes or you don’t. I do have arthritic knees, but nobody I know of died from arthritic knees.”
— Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, on iconic boxer Floyd Mayweather owning a NASCAR team: “Brace yourself, Floyd, because you are about to go from ‘Money’ Mayweather to ‘Spend Money’ Mayweather.”
Blemished record
Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva, 15, tested positive for a banned drug at the Winter Olympics.
Hint: It wasn’t Clearasil.
Quote, end quote
— ESPN’s Tim Legler, on Kristaps Porzingis injury history: “He got nicknamed the Unicorn because he’s so unique, but he’s also the Unicorn because you hardly ever see him.”
— RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on the NCAA approving unlimited snacks for athletes: “Or as they call it in the CFL, playoff bonuses.”
— Comedy writer Brad Dickson, via Twitter, on why figure-skating announcer is the best job at the Olympics: “You can just make it up. ‘She did a triple Lutz and is now going into a reverse RuPaul. Oh! It’s a quadruple Ed Asner!’ ”
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after Stanford tweeted congratulations to incoming student — and Olympic champion — Eileen Gu: “And you think YOUR freshman roommate was intimidating?”
