I’m a 30-year-old man who met my current partner about eight months ago. I was quite taken with her at first, but, as time has gone on, a few things have been eating away at me. Our sex is dull, dispassionate and unadventurous, mostly just moderately paced missionary. She tells me it’s the “best she’s ever had”, which has left me dumbstruck. And on two social occasions her friends, while inebriated, confirmed her feelings about our lovemaking. I have tried to speak to her about spicing things up, but although I’m not exactly wanting to swing from the rafters, she tells me that she “loves the way we do it” and that she “isn’t interested in more exotic positions”.
Moreover, I have started to find other aspects of our relationship just as upsetting. When I suggest date ideas or activities we can do together, she will tell me that she just wants to “spend time with me”, which translates to a night at home watching TV. When we first started dating, we would go out to eat, catch a movie, visit local parks for walks, and so on.
I am an active person who likes to exercise, go out on adventures in the countryside, try cookery classes, and do activities with a partner, but she isn’t interested. She’s a truly lovely person, but I’m starting to think that perhaps we’re not compatible.
Some people just naturally meet the definition of “homebodies” and perhaps your partner is one of them. But there is another reason why some people are not interested in activities: people who live with depression tend to have psychomotor retardation (they don’t feel like moving their bodies). I wonder if your partner may need support seeking treatment for a mood disorder, or maybe she is fatigued or stressed from an exhausting work life or there is some other problem there. Consider these things while evaluating whether or not to walk away. And, regarding what you see as her “dull” taste in love making, perhaps she is very inexperienced and simply hasn’t been comfortably exposed to different erotic styles. In that case, it would be wise to introduce variation in small incremental steps – once she is fully aroused – always checking for her comfort level. You may have expected or asked for too much too soon, which would have been too threatening for her. Be patient.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
