You can’t choose your family. As much as we would all love to be best friends with our siblings and extremely close with our parents, these relationships are often complex and not without obstacles. And our relationships with in-laws can be even more nuanced, as we don’t have any say in who our partner’s family members are either!
After her mother-in-law showed up unannounced looking for a place to stay, one frustrated mom reached out to Reddit in search of support. Below, you’ll find the full story that she shared, as well as some of the replies readers left her.
Having visitors drop by without warning can be stressful
Image credits: halfpoint / envato (not the actual photo)
So this woman quickly put her foot down when her mother-in-law decided to show up for a visit unannounced
Image credits: Prostock-studio / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TurtedHen
Later, the author responded to several comments and provided more context about her situation
It’s extremely common for mother and daughter-in-laws to have conflicts
Image credits: Ave Calvar / pexels (not the actual photo)
If you’re lucky, when you get married, you gain an additional set of parents who love you and maybe even some new brothers and sisters who will always have your back. But unfortunately, that’s not the case for everyone. And for many people, their in-laws are more of a thorn in their side than a bouquet of roses.
According to a 2022 study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science, mothers are actually more likely to report having conflicts with their daughter-in-laws than with their actual daughters.
And psychologist and author Terri Apter found while researching for one of her books that a whopping 60% of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships were described as strained, uncomfortable, infuriating, depressing, draining and “simply awful.”
But researchers on this topic note that, if you have issues with your in-laws, it’s not necessarily your fault. Apparently, we’re all hardwired to act in the best interest of our own relatives, which might make it harder to be open and accepting towards in-laws.
And when it comes to mother and daughter-in-laws specifically, Terri Apter writes that both may feel threatened, as they’re both trying to secure the same role within their family: “primary woman.”
So what is the best thing to do if you have a difficult mother-in-law but you want to make it through your marriage and the holidays with minimal conflicts? First, you may want to determine what exactly the issue is with your in-law. Is she entitled, critical, toxic, needy, etc.?
Setting boundaries is necessary with overbearing in-laws
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If you think your spouse’s mother may be overbearing, Choosing Therapy breaks down some of the behaviors to look out for. If she’s always around and doesn’t respect your boundaries, that’s not a good sign.
An overbearing mother-in-law may also be judgmental, insist that she’s always right or pressure you to behave how she wants you to. She might justify her own actions by saying how much she cares, and she will likely need to be the center of attention.
But thankfully, there are a few tactics that you can use to make encounters with an overbearing mother-in-law less painful. First, it’s important to set boundaries and enforce them. You should also consider where her behavior is coming from if that will help you empathize with her.
If necessary, try to avoid your partner’s mother whenever you can, and always remember to be respectful. Just because she’s treating you poorly doesn’t mean you need to sink to her level. Try to accept that you won’t be able to change her, and give up the idea that you’ll ever reach her unrealistic expectations.
Explain to your partner what it is about her behavior that bothers you, so they can support you and be on your side. And try to figure out how to anticipate your mother-in-law’s actions. This way, you might be able to avoid her triggers and be prepared for how she’ll react in a variety of situations.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this story in the comments below, pandas. How would you have responded if you were in this woman’s shoes and your mother-in-law suddenly showed up on your doorstep? Feel free to weigh in, and then, if you’d like to read another Bored Panda article discussing similar issues, look no further than right here.
Readers were very supportive of the mom, and many called out her mother-in-law for her entitled behavior
