There’s an irony – or maybe not – in the fact that since we’ve become more “open” about sex as a society, we’ve been having less of it. So sex is everywhere, but not so much in the nation’s bedrooms (or sitting room floors, or on the kitchen worktops or wherever else you might care to get down to it). The generation that had most sex was born in the 1930s – the so-called silent generation; the generations that have it least are millennials, born between 1981 and 1996 and Gen Z who are born between 1997 and 2012.
In Britain, across all age groups, around one in four of us has sex at least once in an average week with almost one in 10 of us managing three times – but the older we are, the less common sex is. The average age someone loses their virginity is 17, with late twentysomethings having the most sex. But by our late 30s, four in 10 report having not had sex in the past week, and around a fifth of 40 to 44-year-olds aren’t having sex at all.
What, though, is a sex life? You might not currently have a partner, but you’re experimenting, solo or not. And sex certainly isn’t just about penetration: sex is intimacy that involves touch, stimulation, oral sex, masturbation. Yourself and, if you have one, your partner.
But whatever kind of sexual activity you’re engaged in – solo, straight, queer or bi – stress is a barrier. Research published last month found the lifestyle demands on women aged 40-59 were more significant than the menopause in the decline and frequency of sexual activity.
So how do we do it better? Here’s advice for some of the trickiest moments in our sex lives.
… if it’s the first time
Penetrative sex – the insertion of part of your body into part of someone else’s, or vice versa – isn’t something to “get over with”. You’re much more likely to have a good time if you take the opposite approach. Remember, it’s the first time – it doesn’t have to be the best time. You’re on the nursery slopes. Relationship and psychosexual therapist Cate Campbell suggests concentrating on non-penetrative sex for a while first. “Seeing an aroused penis for the first time can be a shock,” she says. If you’re a heterosexual woman, “use his penis to stimulate your clitoris – get used to having it around your vulva”. If you’re a homosexual man, be aware that getting a hard-on doesn’t mean your partner necessarily wants penetrative sex. Make sure you talk; and it goes for all sexual situations, that both partners must totally consent to whatever is happening or about to happen.
If you’re going to be penetrated by another person’s penis, it’s definitely a good idea to start by spending time with it before you have it inside you: hold it, play with it, perhaps start with just a bit of penetration, so you can feel how it’s going to be. Talk with your partner beforehand: in a heterosexual relationship, having the girl on top will also help to ensure she stays in control. “What you want is that the first time you have penetrative sex, you already have a lot of arousal,” says Campbell. And if you’re the girl, don’t expect to climax; most women don’t orgasm during penetration. And if you’re the boy, don’t fret about whether you’ll come too quickly. The ambition is to enjoy yourselves, without pressures.
… at the start of a big relationship
Sex tends to be great at the start of a big relationship – but what matters here is being authentic and honest right from the get-go. “If you do what you think your partner wants, rather than what you want, you could be setting yourself up for resentment down the line,” cautions Relate psychosexual therapist Tamara Hoyton. So listen to your partner: ask what he/she wants, and share what you truly want. “Using terms like ‘I like it when you …’ or ‘I love it when …’ is important,” she says. “No one is a mind reader.” What’s really sexy for anyone, in any kind of relationship, is being with a partner who’s confident in their own mind, who’s prepared to be upfront about what they want. So don’t be shy: and enjoy it.
… if it’s a one-night stand
Perhaps fuelled by internet dating, one night stands are on the up, especially among older people. A study from King’s College London this month found Britons are more likely than people elsewhere to have casual sex, with four in 10 saying it’s justifiable. That rises to 67% of Gen Z respondents, and 30% of baby boomers (up from 8% in 2009).
Context and self-knowledge are all when it comes to casual sex. Don’t do it if you’ve had way too much to drink. “And also, you need to know yourself well enough to know you’re not going to hate yourself in the morning,” says Hoyton. If you’re embarking on this, with a positive frame of mind, the trick is to be creative. “Think about doing something different,” says Hoyton. “And if you’re going to do it, make sure you enjoy it.”
To enjoy it, you’ll need to be clear about what you like and dislike: think about how adventurous you want to be, and dare to try something new. This kind of sex will all be about what happens in the moment: your partner doesn’t know you. Be bold! Have fun! Experiment, and find out new things about yourself.
… when you’ve been with the same person for 23 years
Desire and arousal are different things, says Campbell, and understanding this helps in understanding sex in a long-term relationship. “Most women in these relationships, and about a third of men, don’t feel desire until after they feel aroused,” she says. So concentrate on giving yourselves the opportunity for desire to develop.
“You might want to have a bath together, or just go to bed naked together,” she says. Or try the three-minute game, which focuses on touch and telling one another how you’d like to both give and receive touch. Take the pressure off by agreeing beforehand that it’s not going to be a failure if penetrative sex doesn’t happen; this is about connecting, or reconnecting. It’s not about all or nothing, and if you’ve not been having sex much for a while, you need to invest time if you want to be intimate again. Talking about your fantasies is another great way to get sex going again, says Campbell.
In long-term relationships (but in less long term ones as well), it’s often the case that one partner is more keen on sex than the other. In fact, says Hoyton, this is always the case, because who has identical desires? It’s always about accommodating the other person; but if your partner doesn’t want sex at all or hardly ever (and don’t assume it’s going to be the woman who feels like this in a heterosexual relationship; men in midlife are every bit as likely to be under stress and feeling sex is something they can take off their long to-do list), working things out can be tough. Empathy is all. Try to understand why your partner isn’t into sex. Try to keep the avenues of physical connection open: offer cuddles without the implication that sex will necessarily follow. Think about the ways in which you and your partner are intimate: if you’ve been together a long time, intimacy can come in different forms. Remember, too, says Hoyton, that sex in a long-term relationship is rarely spontaneous: you need to diarise it, you need to plan for it.
… after you have given birth
This is another time when the big message is to go slow, and make sure your partner knows why you need him to go slow. “Your vagina is possibly going to feel different after you’ve had a baby,” says Hoyton. “It might be dryer, or you might experience some pain. Only have penetrative sex when you feel really ready to do that.”
Hormonal changes affect lubrication, so have a lubricant on standby. And as always, don’t worry about it all going perfectly. “Sometimes you have good sex, sometimes you have bad sex,” says Hoyton. “The quality of the sex you have today doesn’t dictate the quality of the sex you might have tomorrow.” Try not to catastrophise around sex: sometimes it works well, sometimes it doesn’t work so well. When you’ve just had a baby, there are all sorts of other things going on, so don’t stress about sex and ease yourself back into it as slowly as you want.
… if you’ve never had an orgasm
Anorgasmia, which is a persistent difficulty in achieving orgasm, more common in women but sometimes a problem for men – is a medical condition that can be treated very successfully, so talk to your GP. But for most people, not having an orgasm is more about the psychological pressure. “Sex tends to be very goal-oriented,” says Hoyton. “If people don’t have an orgasm, they feel cheated. And men often judge their performance on whether they get a woman to climax – it’s a standard of his prowess.”
Tantra teacher and sex and intimacy coach Jan Day recommends spending time in self-pleasuring. “Take time. Discover what feels good. Let yourself know it’s OK to feel pleasure,” she says. “Learn to pleasure yourself on your clitoris and around your labia, and gradually pleasure and stroke the inside of your vagina – there’s usually a spot there that feels different.” Remember too, she says, that having an orgasm is about everything in your life: learn to enjoy your body, and then tell your partner what you like. And don’t feel it has to be him who brings you to orgasm; masturbating during sex with a partner can help you to come more easily, and will help him to see what you like.
… when you hit the menopause
Here’s one thing to get straight: hitting the menopause doesn’t mean you don’t feel like sex any more. “In fact it’s not until 12 years after the menopause that there’s any significant loss of libido,” says Campbell. Given that the average age of menopause in the UK is 51, that means women can expect to get into their early 60s without any change to their sex drive. You will, however, notice differences: for example, you don’t feel horny mid-month any more, because you’re no longer ovulating. But that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel like sex at all.
The menopause militates against sex more in terms of how it makes a woman feel: too hot, too sweaty, unsure when you’re suddenly going to have a heavy period. What women tend to do, says Campbell, is tell their man not to come near them – they’re not feeling good. What she suggests is go with it: have a break from sex, but talk with your partner about what is possible. “It might be sitting on the sofa holding hands; it might be mutual masturbation.” The important thing is to be honest about how you’re feeling, and look for what is acceptable and possible and will make you feel good.
