My partner and I have regular sex, which is great, but he always likes to be in control – and this means it is all about him and over very quickly. At the beginning he asked me to guide him as to what I wanted but, when I tried to, he insisted that he liked to do what he does and that it wasn’t up for discussion. I don’t want to upset him by saying the blatant truth – that this is unfulfilling for me. This has been going on for too long. I want a shared sex life, not one that’s just for him. Can you help me deal with this?
Some people become very anxious about their expected role in helping a partner experience pleasure and orgasm, and perhaps your partner has become obstinate because he feels he cannot fulfil your needs. It may well be that he is simply selfish – but just accepting that will not you get what you want. Try to approach this problem from the point of view that perhaps he needs a different type of guidance from you, and is afraid of being a disappointment. Many women have found that taking responsibility for their own pleasure enhances mutual satisfaction. Try to find erotically based ways to increase your own pleasure during lovemaking. One technique involves stimulating yourself manually or with a sex toy during intercourse. Many partners find this extra arousing, and as a result they themselves become more willing to be guided into providing direct clitoral stimulation or whatever else is desired. Be patient and gently supportive. Make your requests very simple and clear, and reward any small attempt he makes to please you. Above all, remember that you have a right to be listened to and to get your sexual needs met.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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