Late-night hosts talked Stormy Daniels’s testimony, Trump’s NFT scam and RFK Jr’s alleged brain worm.
Seth Meyers
“Trump’s trial keeps making history,” said Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s Late Night. The New York-based trial is the first-ever criminal trial of an ex-president and the first time an ex-president has been found in contempt and threatened with jail time. “And now it’s also the first time an ex-president has gone face to face with a porn star he had an affair with while she describes the position they were in, the silk pyjamas he was wearing and the magazine she spanked him on the ass with,” said Meyers.
“How are they going to teach this era of history in high school?” he wondered. “They can’t say most of the words! A frazzled gym teacher will have to cover it in sex ed.”
And that was keeping things “very basic”, as Judge Juan Merchan instructed Stormy Daniels to omit any “descriptions of genitalia”.
“I had two different simultaneous reactions when I heard this: thank God and why not?” said Meyers. “Because when someone says ‘we’re going to talk about his genitalia, but don’t worry we won’t get into specifics,’ it’s impossible to not think ‘well, what are the specifics?’
“I really don’t want to hear about Donald Trump’s weird penis, but also I kinda want him to have to hear it?” he continued. “Someone reading a description of your weird penis in court sounds like dream you’d have after eating a hot pocket you found on the train.”
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert dove right into claims by Robert F Kennedy Jr that a worm ate part of his brain. “This explains everything … and nothing,” said Colbert.
The New York Times published medical information about the presidential candidate, and found that back in 2010, Kennedy sought treatment for cognitive symptoms including memory loss and mental fogginess. “As well as a tiny voice in his head going, ‘Let’s see, what wine pairs best with cerebellum?’” Colbert joked.
According to Kennedy, the symptoms were caused by a tiny worm that “got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died”.
“Cause of death? Starvation,” Colbert quipped. The dead worm is reportedly still in RFK Jr’s brain; medical experts suspect it was pork tapeworm larva. “Which raises the disturbing question: how long has RFK Jr been porking tapeworms?” said Colbert.
“You might be thinking, ‘Yes, RFK Jr is a tad insane in the membrane, but that can’t just be because a worm ate his brain right?’ Right,” he added. “It could also be due to the fact that he was diagnosed with mercury poisoning,” probably from ingesting too much fish. “Well, of course! Those fish were just jumping in his mouth trying to get the worm!” said Colbert.
Kennedy assured that he had recovered from the memory loss and that there were no lingering effects from the parasite. Said Colbert, mocking him: “I, human person, RFK Jr, have never felt better, and am definitely not controlled Ratatouille-style by a worm that lives in my skull. Cross my five hearts and hope to die on a sidewalk after a rainstorm – oh no, a robin!”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel relished more details from Daniels’s day on the witness stand, including when Merchan chose to admonish Trump to his lawyers privately, so as not to embarrass Trump, “who is on trial for chub-humping a porn star while his wife was home with their infant son”, said Kimmel. “I’m pretty sure the embarrassment cat is out of the golf bag already.”
While Daniels testified, Indiana held their Republican presidential primary. Trump easily won, as the only candidate still in the race, but Nikki Haley, who dropped out two months ago, still received more than 21% of the vote. “Which means either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times,” Kimmel joked.
Trump, meanwhile, used his one day off per week from the trial to “focus on his pyramid scheme”, said Kimmel, by hosting a dinner at Mar-a-Lago for the fans who bought his NFTs. Attendees had to buy all 47 of Trump’s NFTs for $99 each. “I would hate to be his assistant this morning – ‘Sir, a reminder, tonight you have to eat with the freaks who paid $4,700 to have pictures of you wearing Superman tights and a cape, OK?’” said Kimmel.
Melania, too, “is doing her Be Best to cash in”, said Kimmel, with her own line of signature Mother’s Day jewelry. A necklace engraved with “love & gratitude” and her signature was available for $245, shaped like a three-leaf clover, “because when you are Donald Trump’s wife, you don’t believe in luck any more”, said Kimmel.
