Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers relished details from the Dominion Voting System defamation lawsuit against Fox News on Wednesday evening, in which billionaire owner Rupert Murdoch admitted in a deposition that Fox anchors knowingly lied about the 2020 election. “Murdoch said they ‘endorsed’, meaning Fox hosts endorsed the lie that the election was stolen knowing it was a lie,” the Late Night host explained.
“They created this monster and they can’t control it,” he added. “And they know that, and that’s why they’re terrified. Right now they’re desperately trying to put the genie back in the bottle. They’re hyping Ron DeSantis as an alternative to Trump even though Trump still leads in many polls.”
Meyers pointed to a clip of the Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade desperately trying to find a DeSantis supporter in a Florida diner crowded with Trump fans. The moment encapsulated how “no matter how hard they try to wriggle their way out of the situation they’ve put themselves in, they are captive to the audience they created”, Meyers said.
“That’s why Fox was terrified of losing viewers in the aftermath of the election, and that’s why they were willing to do or say whatever was necessary to avoid losing them. Even if that meant repeating outright lies that they knew were outright lies.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert returned to the Department of Energy’s report that Covid-19 originated in a Chinese lab leak, a conclusion they reached with “low confidence”.
“It’s not reassuring,” Colbert said. “It’s like if Arby’s changed their slogan to ‘we’re pretty sure what we have is meats’.”
The FBI had previously concluded something similar with “moderate” confidence, without releasing any evidence. Earlier this week, director Christopher Wray stated: “The FBI has for quite some time now assessed that the origins of the pandemic are most likely a potential lab incident in Wuhan.”
“Most likely … potential. That is darn close to hypothetically nearly conceivably imaginable maybe,” Colbert joked. “Somewhere between possible and probable, so it’s definitely prossible. We live in a world of infinite prossibility.”
In other news, the Tennessee governor, Bill Lee, announced he would sign new anti-LGBTQ legislation, including banning some gender-affirming treatment for transgender youth.
“Come on! Transgender or not, I don’t care who you are, all teens struggle with figuring out relationships to their bodies. You think Unilever had grown adults in mind when they made Axe body spray in golden mango?”
Lee also plans to severely limit drag shows, despite a photo of him dressed in drag in high school. “Governor, remember what Coco Chanel famously said about accessories,” Colbert reminded. “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror, and stop trying to score political points with your base at the expense of real human beings, you dick.”
Jimmy Kimmel
In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel braced for the start of CPAC, the Republican convention which “stands for Clowns Periodically Assembling in Convention centers” and offered “a chance for the far right to get together and share crazy thoughts”.
“They started it with the traditional 21 assault rifle salute, and the pledge of allegiance to Donald Trump,” Kimmel joked.
The conference includes real panels like “no Chinese balloons above Tennessee”, “sacking the woke playbook”, “parents with pitchforks”, “the Biden crime family” and “MySpeech” by MyPillow CEO and frequent Kimmel target Mike Lindell.
“I guess his rabies test came back negative, and he’s able to speak at this event,” Kimmel joked.
To buy a general admission ticket, which cost $295, purchasers had to sign a waiver releasing CPAC from liability with respect to Covid. “This is the same group of Republicans who say Covid is a joke, make you sign a waiver so they’re not responsible if you die from that joke. Perfect,” Kimmel noted.
One notable absence from this year’s CPAC is former vice-president Mike Pence. “The last time a big group of these Maga monkeys got together, they tried to hang him, so he opted out,” Kimmel explained.
The Daily Show
Hey politicians, nobody should be trying to “win” a train derailment pic.twitter.com/HHBVZYfAH5
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 2, 2023
And on the Daily Show, guest host Hasan Minhaj looked at the political jockeying following the catastrophic train derailment in East Palestine, Ohio. “This feels like watching your parents fight in the kitchen and they’re both being idiots for different reasons,” he said.
“Republicans, listen to me. You guys love deregulation, but suddenly you now care about rail safety? A little ironic. Also, you really think Joe Biden taking a tragedy selfie would make the situation any better?”
Minhaj then addressed the Democrats. “As of now, March 1, there is zero indication that Trump’s policy caused this whole derailment. So you cannot touchdown dance. And also, what the fuck are you guys doing? How do you guys fumble the optics game every time? Why didn’t you send Joe Biden to take a tragedy selfie? Even a moron like Donald Trump managed to do it.”
Trump “pulled up to McDonald’s and started handing out hats and Happy Meals,” Minhaj said. “Democrats, you waited three weeks and you sent Pete Buttigieg dressed like Bob the Builder? He’s the 12th man on your depth chart. Send Kamala!
“Now here’s the real issue: nobody should be trying to win a train derailment,” Minhaj concluded. “We had about five seconds of empathy before this whole thing turned into another partisan prize fight.”
