Seth Meyers
Late-night hosts reluctantly waded into the 2024 presidential election on Monday night, a redux of the 2020 election that Joe Biden could only describe as “weird” after winning the South Carolina Democratic primary this weekend.
“This is how weird things are: the president of the United States is talking about the election like a Teamster who got dragged to an art show – ‘what the hell is this weird crap?!’” joked Seth Meyers on Late Night.
“Weird is probably the nicest thing Biden has to say about Trump, because in private, he’s reportedly said much worse,” he added, citing a Politico report that Biden privately called Trump a “sick fuck” who delights in others’ misfortune.
“Look, I get keeping that behind closed doors,” said Meyers. “In the past, a slip vulgarity was political kryptonite. But so were 91 felony charges. We live in different times, so I say: let it rip, Joe! Just start dropping f-bombs on the campaign trail. You’re from Scranton, you can get away with it.
“Instead of trying to prove him wrong,” Meyers continued, “Trump just said ‘you think that’s weird, hold my beer” – by posting a photo splicing his face with Elvis Presley and claiming people always say he looks like the King. “I think they just meant that you also look like you died on the toilet,” Meyers quipped. “That picture looks like Two-Face, if he was a musician.”
“And even when he’s supposedly talking about actual policies, Trump is still a weirdo and a liar,” he added, turning to an interview Trump did with Fox News over the weekend where he tried to take credit for a stellar jobs report. “Even [Maria] Bartiromo, a huge Trump supporter and fellow crazy person, seemed taken aback by Trump’s attempt to take credit for it,” said Meyers.
Asked about how to explain the booming economy under Biden, Trump claimed the stock market rose because people expect him to get re-elected. Bartiromo seemed skeptical. “Look at her face,” Meyers laughed. “She’s either having a moment of existential panic where it finally dawned on her that the guy she’s interviewing is a pathological liar who’s detached from reality, or she’s thinking to herself: ‘is … that Elvis?’”
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert acknowledged the severe rainstorm drenching California, the result of a so-called “atmospheric river” – “which is also the name of my easy listening dad band”, he joked. “Stay strong and stay dry, California.”
The host touched on Sunday night’s Grammy awards, during which Taylor Swift won her record-breaking fourth album of the year award and surprise-announced a new album, The Tortured Poets Department, due out in April.
“Coincidentally, ‘Tortured Poets Department’? Also a rejected title for the movie Dead Poets Society along with Bad School, Good Teacher and Those Rich Boys Sure Are Sad,” Colbert joked.
Colbert also noted the Politico report on Biden’s private Trump comments; the president reportedly remarked on Donald Trump, “what a fucking asshole the guy is”.
“That sounds rough, but it’s actually just a new question on the presidential cognitive exam,” Colbert quipped.
Biden also allegedly called him a “sick fuck” who delights in others’ misfortune. “To which Trump objected, ‘I’m not sick, doctors are always coming up to me,’” said Colbert, imitating the former president. “These doctors, big doctors, tears in their eyes, big guys, strong doctors. Doctors who never cry, I’m talking about lumberjack, football-playing doctors. And they say sir, sir, you’re the healthiest fuck I’ve ever seen.”
As for Trump’s claim that he looks like Elvis – “Look, I don’t care for the guy, you know that, but I do think Donald Trump does look like Elvis … if you dug up Elvis now,” Colbert joked. “They have a lot in common. In Trump’s high school yearbook, he was voted ‘most likely to die on the toilet’.’”
