Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers took aim at the Democratic party on Thursday Night, shifting focus from his usual target, Donald Trump. “Obviously, it’s critical that we as a nation do everything in our power to prevent this obviously unhinged demagogue and his allies in the Republican party from regaining power,” he said. “And that unfortunately is where the Democrats come in. Oof. It’s like if you said ‘Avengers assemble,’ and only Hawkeye showed up.
“If you’ve been paying any attention at all to politics, you know that Democrats are in dire straits right now,” he continued. “You don’t need a poll to tell you that. All you have to do is watch any Joe Biden press conference with the sound off. He’s always doing that thing where he leans over the podium like every question is causing him physical pain.
“Things are bad for Democrats,” he added, “and that’s not just me saying that.” Meyers pointed to the California representative Katie Porter, who warned her Democratic colleagues to act immediately to ease the cost of living under inflation or face dire consequences at the polls. After an emotional speech about her family’s struggle with inflation prices during a private caucus meeting last week, Porter told Politico that it seemed like the first time the personal toll of inflation had sunk in for many of her colleagues.
“Just to be clear, I’m not saying inflation is somehow the Democrats’ fault,” said Meyers. “They just happen to be in charge now, so it’s on them to do something about it.
“It is on Democrats to do something to improve people’s lives,” he added, calling on lawmakers to extend the child tax credit, invest in green infrastructure, forgive student loan debt or expand healthcare. “Look, I get it – Joe Manchin is a giant ass ache. The dude rakes in cash from fossil fuels, drives a Maserati and lives in a yacht called Almost Heaven, which sounds less like the name of a yacht and more like the title of an early 2000s romcom starring Ryan Reynolds and Mandy Moore.
“Manchin has been stringing Democrats along for over a year now,” Meyers continued, “so Democrats just have to call his bluff and say ‘what will you accept? We will pass it.’” Which is why it’s frustrating, Meyers said, to read reports that Democrats are hesitating to put together a new Build Back Better bill reflecting Manchin’s terms after he killed it five months ago.
“Call Manchin’s bluff and ask him what he wants,” Meyers concluded. “If Manchin’s bullshitting and his answer is actually that he’s opposed to everything – which is very possible – then at least we’ll know. And we can move on.”
Jimmy Kimmel
In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel remarked on the first official report by North Korea of Covid in the country. “How did Covid even get into North Korea? Did Kid Rock play Pyongyang and not tell us about it?” he wondered.
“Of course, the truth is, there’s probably been many cases of Covid in North Korea,” he continued. “The country just hasn’t acknowledged them for fear of angering their leader’s mighty scrotum.” The news, which state media called “a major national emergency”, has prompted a nationwide lockdown. “So if you live in North Korea, just keep doing what you’ve been doing for the past 40 years,” Kimmel said.
Kimmel pivoted to remarks by Joe Biden at a Democratic fundraiser in response to the leaked supreme court draft opinion overturning Roe v Wade. The draft decision “basically says there’s no such thing as the right to privacy. If that holds ... mark my words: they are going to go after the supreme court decision on same-sex marriage,” Biden said.
“They’ll come for same-sex marriage, they’ll come for interracial marriage, they’ll outlaw that peanut butter that comes with the jelly in the same jar,” Kimmel quipped. “These guys – they might as well just come out and say, ‘listen, here’s the real story: if we can’t get laid, nobody else is going to have any fun either.”
