The widow of beloved Ponteland mum Sally Allan has penned an emotional open letter to his late wife after she took her own life.
After 37 years of marriage, Sally sneaked out of their family home on Boxing Day 2015 and took her own life.
It shattered her close-knit family and sent shockwaves through the community who had searched for her.
But on World Suicide Prevention Day, her loving husband Gordon has spoken about the need for suicide to be de-stigmatised after losing his soul mate just days after Christmas, 2015.
“Sally had left a note suggesting she was in a bad way but we really didn’t believe she was going to do what she did," said the 64-year-old.
"Sally had no history of mental illness and had never spoken to her GP, the NHS or any other services about her mental health.
“Because we had had so much public support we decided we just had to be honest and tell everyone the truth – Sally had taken her own life. The more we spoke about it the more support public we got and it felt important to carry on the discussion.
“That support empowered me to talk about it and I think it became my way of grieving and coping. I wanted to create a legacy for Sally.
“Suicide is still such a huge taboo – I’ve seen see people visibly recoil when I mention the way Sally died. Some people find it uncomfortable and awkward and just prefer not to talk about her because of how she died.
“She died of a mental illness, just like most people die of a physical illness. We need to normalise mental health but it’s a difficult area.”
Since his beloved wife’s death, the grandfather and father-of-three has devoted himself to learning more about mental illness and the triggers which can lead to suicide.
He has also continued to share his own experience of bereavement with others and has worked with Northumbria Police to help the Force improve its response.
Gordon added: “Suicide is a journey not an event – people have an initial idea and think about it, they make a plan and usually there is trigger – but with the right support and intervention, that journey can be reversed and you can be brought back from it.
“When people are in physical pain their mind helps them to cope and so people really struggle when their mind is the pain – they are just completely overcome by their feelings.”
As part of his commitment to dissolving the stigma around suicide and improving the response to those in crisis, Mr Allan has developed a presentation about his own experience of bereavement which has been shared with officers at Northumbria Police, including our specialist negotiators who often attend highly-pressurised situations and deal with people at their lowest ebb.
He has also been working closely with Suzanne Sleeth, the area’s first ever Suicide Prevention Coordinator, to raise awareness of the barriers which can prevent people from accessing mental health services and to encourage blue light services to continue working together to improve their response to people in crisis.
Mr Allan added: “Sally’s case was so powerful – I think it also showed the need for emergency services to improve their support in such emotive situations.
“I had a few different family liaison officers and they didn’t have access to the same resources I was being given from various charities. But the fact Suzanne is in post and her team are sharing data and looking at improving ways the blue light services can work together to offer that bespoke support is a wonderful thing.
Suzanne is based within Northumbria Police but works in partnership with all six local authorities, Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Trust (CNTW), the NHS and a range of other partners.
She said: “Sally’s story is absolutely heart-breaking as we know there would have been so much support available to her had she spoken out. But all too often people like Sally feel so alone and so isolated that they can’t even confide in the people they love and trust the most.
“I want to thank Gordon for being so brave and continuing to raise awareness and trying to de-stigmatise suicide, but he can’t do this alone. We can all play our part.
“I want to encourage everyone to talk about mental health. Today – World Suicide Prevention Day is a great place to start but please make sure the conversation continues beyond today.
“We can all struggle with our mental health from time to time and that’s absolutely fine. But next there’s no need to go through it alone - there are some incredible organisations out there which will be able to support you, please make yourselves familiar with their names. You never know when it might help.
“I would ask that you all show your support to World Suicide Prevention Day by taking part in the If U Care Share initiative and light a candle for a loved one at 8pm today.
“If you are struggling, there are some amazing resources available online - If U Care Share, Stop Suicide, the Samaritans, Mind and the zero suicide alliance - just to name a few.”
Read Gordon’s open letter:
Why don’t we talk about Suicide?
'Over four years ago, on Boxing Day 2015 my wife Sally took her own life. She died because she had a mental illness. Every day since, I wish she had reached out and spoken to someone. Why didn’t she speak to a doctor, talk to a friend; or what hurts the most, ask for my help.
'As someone, told me at the time: “you can be surrounded by love but the mind can be a lonely place at times”.
'I often reflect on those wise words. I think all of us have been in that place, if only for a few hours. A time when we struggled with our thoughts and feelings and convinced ourselves that nobody cared or understood us. Trapped In silence, day after day, it must have taken great strength for Sally to mask her inner turmoil. In the end she just ran out of energy to keep going.
'Why did Sally stay silent? I will never know for sure, but I believe she feared the stigma of admitting she was struggling with her mental health. As a loving, caring grandmother, mother and wife Sally believed it was her role to look after the family. Admitting she couldn’t cope she feared being judged and rejected as a failure. She feared being worthless.
'It is best explained by someone who wrote to me at the time. The person had nearly taken their own life some 10 years earlier having been in "the dark void of depression." This is what they wrote:
"I knew in that very confused mental state that my family would be so much better off without me. Feelings of absolutely zero self-esteem and depression do that to a person.”
'Soon after I received that letter, I knew I had to campaign to end the stigma that surrounds suicide. I want people to understand that suicide isn’t a single brief moment in time, but a painful journey. A journey that with the right help, support and intervention can be stopped and reversed.
'The 2014 Adult Psychiatric Morbidity Study found that a fifth of adults aged over 16 in England have thought of taking their own life at some point in their lives and that almost seven percent have made an attempt.
'Why do we feel so uncomfortable talking about suicide when it is affecting one in five of us? That has to change, encouraging people to seek help and talk about their suicidal thoughts whilst educating people on how to support those that do.
'I am therefore proud to be a member of the recently formed North East and North Cumbria Suicide Prevention Network, a partnership of public, private and charitable organisations and individuals, collaborating with different agencies and communities to help and support all suicide prevention activity across the region. The Network which includes the Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust it is linking up best practice across the region. It wants to end the postcode lottery and bring the best quality care and support wherever you live. It wants to end the silence that prevents people getting the help they deserve.'
Please visit www.stopsuicidenenc.org to learn more.
