Answering the prayers of a world where too much sport is never enough, HG Nelson and Rampaging Roy Slaven – the doyen and dominatrix of satirical sportscasting – are heading to Paris to present their new ABC radio show: People, Medals and Cheese.
After earning the ire of former prime minister John Howard with their late-90s variety show Club Buggery, Roy & HG (and their mascot Fatso, the Fat-Arsed Wombat) hit the big time with The Dream, their skewed take on Sydney’s 2000 Olympic Games.
They spoke to Guardian Australia, in character and under armed guard, to discuss the future of equestrian events, Gina Rinehart’s swimming prowess and the prospect of a World Origin.
So is People, Medals and Cheese a continuation of The Dream?
HG Nelson: No, I don’t think so, because People, Medals and Cheese is radio only. But that gives us a licence to put the theatre of the mind front and centre. We can paint a picture with words in a way that makes it seem much more scandalous and impossible to understand what possessed a triple gold medallist to bash the living daylights out of a horse.
Is there still a place for equestrian events at the Olympics? We can’t have athletes flogging a live horse on television, can we?
HG: I can hear the irony in your voice there. Look, my take on this is how many countries can even afford, firstly, the clobber they wear – the jodhpurs, the dress jackets …
Roy Slaven: The boots …
HG: The boots; the hat. Let alone buy a horse! Most of these horses are worth upwards of $1m, never mind the horse float that they need to go in.
Roy: I think the argument for dog races at the Olympic Games is far more compelling than for equestrian. Sure, you’re not sitting on a dog, but you are training a dog to express itself at very high speeds over short distances. I think that’s something that people can relate to. All you need is a bit of flat track, and a dog.
HG: And meat.
The question on everyone’s lips is: what happened to Fatso? Will he be joining you in Paris? Does the ABC have sufficient funding to buy him back from Kerry Stokes?
Roy: Well, each city comes up with its own mascot, and in this instance it’s the Olympic Phryge, which is a terrific thing. They took a small hat, put some legs and feet under it and they’ve created a very engaging little character that says very little to a lot of people.
HG: When I saw it, I thought, “hello, there’s a cry for help if ever I’ve seen one”.
Did you bust a few breakdancing moves in your youth, Rampaging Roy?
Roy: Oh look, I do love breakdancing. It’s not something I share with others; it’s something I do quietly amongst myself, in the back yard. Once you get into it, it’s a wonderful thing. Great for fitness, great for balance.
HG: Balance!
Roy: That’s what it’s all about – I mean, when you put yourself on your head and spin, you come to a quick understanding of centrifugal and centripetal force, and how these forces act upon not only the head but the rest of the body.
HG: But beforehand, for God’s sake, just let people from the emergency department of your local hospital know you’re doing it.
Roy: Yes, yes. Or family and friends, just let them know that you’re doing it, so that if there is silence for 48 hours, or maybe a couple of weeks, they can send out a search party.
What measures are you taking to ensure your own security in Paris?
Roy: Don’t big-note yourself. Don’t wear track suits, don’t wear lanyards saying you’re with the ABC or with Channel 9! Blend in!
HG: I think it’s common sense, Roy. Carry a pack of Bega cheese – singles, because then it’s easier to peel them off and hand them out.
Gina Rinehart is a major financial benefactor of our swim team. Should she go a step further and anchor the 4x100m?
HG: Well, we’ll need super-quick swimmers at the start. I’m not knocking Gina; she could probably bring it home in about four minutes. Now, there’s something for television, that would be an absolute winner.
Roy: It would certainly bring in the viewers, wouldn’t it?
HG: And Bruce would call it beautifully.
The words of La Marseillaise are frankly disturbing. How many times can we hear the French singing “let impure blood water our fields” before war breaks out?
HG: Hang on a minute. You’re talking about poetry here. I suppose nations have gone to war over poetry before, and I suppose they’ll do it again.
Roy: All I can say to the Aussie competitors is, let’s not hear the French anthem today.
HG: Exactly. There’s one way of doing that, and that is to win gold yourself.
200,000 male condoms, 20,000 female condoms, 10,000 dental dams. Whatever happened to saving your energies for the main event?
HG: Well, those are offered after the main event, if you’re counting sport as the main event. A lot of people don’t; they prefer the after-hours activity as their main event, and sport’s just the thing that got them there.
Roy: Yes, yes. I think sex and sport have gone hand in hand for a hell of a long time. You’ve only got to look at the shards of pottery from ancient Greece. Sure, you get a little bit of Greco-Roman, but the act of love is celebrated in the pots just as much.
Brisbane is not a hillbilly city, at least according to the 2032 Olympic chief Andrew Liveris. What new sport can we expect to debut there?
HG: RUGBY LEAGUE! It’s screaming out to be included in Brisbane.
Roy: Yep, yep. And rugby league we can almost guarantee – well, perhaps gold, but at least silver or bronze.
Could we have a World Origin?
Roy: That’s what the Olympics is!
HG: That’s what it would be. Let’s say we got 40 nations together to put in a rugby league team – I’d consider that a World Origin.
People, Medals and Cheese airs on ABC Radio Sunday to Friday at 11am on ABC Radio and 2pm on Radio National, and can be downloaded on the ABC Listen app.
