It’s a shame that Glaswegians were hit with a Platinum Jubilee street party booze ban, eh?
Anyone celebrating the Queen’s 70-year reign had to do it without a drink or face a fixed penalty of £60.
And the only way around it, presumably, was to wear an Old Firm jersey and get blootered in George Square or the Trongate…
(By the way, I’d have introduced an even harsher punishment – death by firing squad – for anyone who uttered the words “Platy Jubes.”)
The Jubilee Concert broadcast live on BBC1 was a smash hit and the highlight for many was a sketch featuring the Queen having afternoon tea with Paddington.
I think I’m right in saying it’s the first time Lizzie’s had a drink with a bear since celebrating nine-in-a-row in The Louden Tavern with Chick Young.
There was also a special Platinum Jubilee fly-past by the RAF. Coincidentally, I understand it was one of those planes that later flew the asylum-seeking Peruvian bear to Rwanda…
Veteran Scots rocker Rod Stewart got a mixed reception to his “karaoke” performance of Sweet Caroline.
Some people didn’t like it, while others absolutely hated it.
He also got a bit of flak from Celtic fans for singing what’s now considered a Rangers anthem.
As my Hoops-daft pal said: “It was like watching Andy Cameron belting out The Fields of Athenry.”
No chance of that happening, of course, as Amnesty International banned Andy from singing in 1978.
I thought auld Rod was absolutely fine – OK, a bit off-key compared to the Jubilee performance he did for Queen Victoria – and don’t forget Sweet Caroline wasn’t HIS choice of song.
Nope, the Platinum Jubilee theme tune was actually chosen by Radio 2 listeners.
It wasn’t the Queen’s choice either. Her favourite Neil Diamond song is Hello Hello Again.
Apparently, Prince Andrew was a bit miffed they didn’t go with Neil’s 1967 hit Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon…
The disgraced Prince missed his mum’s big day after testing positive for Covid. Aye right. And I’m going in tomorrow for a hysterectomy.
Tell you what, folks, it was a busy week for the 96-year-old Queen as she also announced her latest honours list – and it featured two of my pals.
Congrats to former Scotland goalkeeper Alan “Roughie” Rough who got an MBE for services to Peru, Iran, Brazil…
Nah, never forget the big man represented his country at THREE World Cup Finals (1978, 1982 & 1986). If he was English, he’d have got a knighthood.
(Note to younger readers: if you’re puzzled by the term “World Cup Finals”, ask your grandpa.)
But I’ll tell you who DID get a (richly deserved) knighthood – my old chum Professor David MacMillan who memorably claimed last year that winning the Nobel Prize for chemistry was his “pathway to Off the Ball”.
He’s been on the show twice now and he continues to impress. Apart from giving his £400,000 Nobel prize money to help disadvantaged Scottish students attend university, he recently donated to two of my favourite charities – the St Andrew’s Hospice in Airdrie and Drummore Primary, a special needs school in Glasgow.
He also bought a table for 10 at the sold-out Andy Goram fundraiser I’m hosting at the Airdrie Working Man’s Club on June 22.
A fellow North Lanarkshire lad, David was born in Bellshill and grew up in New Stevenston.
So be careful, Lizzie. When you approach him with the ceremonial sword, he might reach into his pocket for a chib…
No Argy-bargy this time with Dee star Claudio
So, who’s this in the photo with yours truly?
Iggy Pop? Caitlin Jenner? Barbara Streisand? The bass player from Aerosmith?
No, silly, it’s Argentinian football legend Claudio Caniggia (a former Dundee and Rangers player) who I had the honour of working with at a recent event in the City of Discovery.
A top striker in his day, he certainly had a colourful past.
At the 2002 World Cup, for example, he didn’t play for Argentina – but he still got sent off. Yep, picked up a red card for swearing at the ref from the bench.
Then there was a failed drugs test in 1993 for taking cocaine.
Which explains why I was able to auction one of his hankies for its street value of £250,000…
Staying with football, Celtic boss Ange Postecoglu says he can’t go shopping with his family in Glasgow because he gets mobbed by fans.
Smart move, big man. I hope Mrs P fell for it.
There’s no need for Ange to go shopping anyway. I reckon there’s years left in that jumper.
PS David Marshall – the hero who gave us that unforgettable moment in Belgrade when his penalty save took us to Euro 2020 – has announced his retirement from international football.
In other words, he’s joined Hibs
Seaman's net star
Joined by his old England team-mate Gazza, former Arsenal goalkeeper David Seaman is set to host a new fishing programme on TV.
Any chance of a show-stopping cameo from ex-Real Zaragoza player Nayim putting one in the net from 60 yards?
In other showbiz news, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s former home in Los Angeles is up for sale. On the market for £1.4million, local amenities include a school, a shopping mall, a bus station and, crucially perhaps, a good dry cleaners…
Meanwhile, after all the controversy sparked by his new Netflix comedy special, Ricky Gervais has hired a team of bodyguards to protect him at stand-up gigs.
A rail tough journey
Nearly 10,000 immigrants have arrived in Britain this year crossing the Channel in boats, rafts and, in one case, a sack filled with coconut husks.
Those who settled in Scotland say the toughest part was trying to get a train from Glasgow to Edinburgh.
Straw poll says Barry gig could now be at risk
Plastic straws were officially outlawed in Scotland last week, along with plastic cutlery, plastic balloon sticks, plastic plates and plastic drink stirrers.
That’s an awful lot of banned plastic.
I’m now wondering if Barry Manilow will be able to perform at the Hydro on June 23?
You can’t beat a bit of live music at the theatre and, last week, I went to see Mamma Mia (for the EIGHTH time!) at the King’s Theatre in Glasgow.
With all the crap going on in the world right now – a war in Europe, the cost of living crisis, talk of a new series of Miranda – I’d urge all ABBA fans to see it before the run ends this Saturday.
Tell you what, though, I’m gutted I missed the brilliant Horse McDonald’s 30th anniversary gig at the Theatre Royal on Sunday.
A terrific performer with a fantastic voice, I’ve been a fan ever since she was a foal.
I also missed the Mel Gibson Q&A at the Glasgow Hilton. It was £100 a ticket but one of my pals who went along made a profit of £500.
He set up a face-painting stall outside the hotel…
My fave funny photos of the week
Monkeypox – how it all started
A member of the audience hears Rod Stewart’s version of Sweet Caroline
Good advice for Boris Johnson
If he looks old and frail, it’s because he’s apparently fought in every war since 1066.
Congratulations to Tyrone from Coronation Street on winning the 100m.
I put this on my coffee table when I leave the flat in case anyone breaks in. It’s the first thing they see…
Text jokes of the week
● Tories in 2021: “There was no booze.” Tories in 2022: “There were no boos.”
● As monkeypox cases continue to rise, it won’t be long before we’re standing at our front doors clapping the zookeepers.
● RIP Lester Piggott. The funeral is next Tuesday at 20/1.
● What a terrifying experience last night. I was all alone in the house having a bath when… all of a sudden… I felt a tap on my shoulder.
● The Beastie Boys are releasing a five-part anthology. Parts A to D are free of charge, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.
● My doctor just told me I need help because I’m a compulsive liar. She then locked the door, stripped off and we made mad, passionate love.
● A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says: “I think I might be a typo…”
● Is there anything more annoying than trying to text someone when a cyclist bounces off your windscreen?
● Went to see my GP yesterday to tell him about my strange craving for collecting iPads. He gave me some tablets.
● My wife said I’m always over-reacting. So I divorced her.
● Fun fact: did you know that Hollywood legend Richard Gere’s dad was a famous ventriloquist? His name was Gottler.
● A lorryload of Father Ted DVDs has been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on, go on, go on…
And finally...
So, now finally we know EXACTLY how many Tory MPs weren't invited to any of Boris Johnson's parties - 148.
