Form an orderly queue and see me in Headmaster Sav’s study to collect your end-of-term reports, please.
As we reach the climax of another Premier League season, it’s time for the verdict on each club’s performance over the last nine months. Pupils in the Old Trafford class must stay behind in detention, but pupils Klopp, Frank and Guardiola are to be made head prefects.
MANCHESTER CITY
To win the Premier League over a 38-game course is harder, in my book, than winning the European Cup. Although Pep Guardiola’s season may be tinged with disappointment after that traumatic Champions League semi-final defeat in Madrid, and the holy grail continues to evade him at the Etihad, we must celebrate City as a wonderful team. I expect them to win a fourth title in five years, which speaks volumes for their domination of English football under Pep. A
LIVERPOOL
One of the best teams we’ve ever seen assembled in English football – and it still may not be enough for them to win the title.
The way Jurgen Klopp has sustained the pursuit of four trophies has been incredible, and at times Mo Salah has looked the best player in the world. Under any circumstances, Klopp gets an A grade – if he wins the Champions League again next weekend, it’s off the scale. A+
CHELSEA
Apart from that World Club Championship in the desert, they have lost two Wembley finals without scoring, finished miles adrift of City and Liverpool in the league, and £97.5million Romelu Lukaku has not fitted into Thomas Tuchel’s system. There’s been a lot happening off the pitch – but too many disappointments on it. B-
TOTTENHAM
Spurs have a world-class manager, world-class forwards, a world-class stadium – and it looks as if they are going to finish fourth when the odds were stacked against them catching Arsenal a month ago. If they blow it now at relegated Norwich, it will be the most ‘Spursy’ choke of all. A
ARSENAL
With such a young core, and a manager in his first job, I believe the Gunners have over-achieved this season – but they have thrown away a golden chance to get ahead of the curve and regain Champions League orbit. Mikel Arteta may be haunted for years to come by those back-to-back defeats against Palace, Brighton and Southampton. B+
MANCHESTER UNITED
For a club of United’s stature, this has to be rock-bottom. How can you finish runners-up 12 months ago, sign Jadon Sancho, Raphael Varane and Cristiano Ronaldo... and go backwards so far?
That’s five years without a trophy, and heaven knows how bad it would have been without Ronaldo’s 24 goals. Maybe, just maybe, winning the FA Youth Cup was a glimpse of brighter times ahead. E
WEST HAM
Outstanding – what a way for Mark Noble to bow out. The Hammers had a ball in Europe, and in the Premier League they proved last season’s top-six finish was no flash in the pan. David Moyes has done another fantastic job with a relatively small squad. A
WOLVES
Be careful what you wish for – a top-half finish, knocking on the door of Europe, is NOT a bad season. Bruno Lage has settled in well at Molineux and Wolves are now established as a proper top-flight outfit. They should be more of a threat in the cups. B
LEICESTER
Brendan Rodgers set the bar so high, with two consecutive fifth-place finishes and an FA Cup triumph, that the top 10 and a Europa Conference League semi-final seems disappointing. But the Foxes were badly hit by injuries and for once recruitment was hit and miss. C
BRIGHTON
The Seagulls have lost only four games away from home all season – a tremendous record – and they have played stylish, dynamic football. Now comes the tricky bit: big clubs are going to come calling for head coach Graham Potter and wing-back Marc Cucurella. A
BRENTFORD
Thomas Frank (below) is a contender for manager of the season. Like a lot of others, I tipped them to go down – but the Bees have surprised me and surpassed most expectations. And Christian Eriksen’s comeback is the feelgood story of the season. A+
NEWCASTLE
To finish potentially in the top half, after winning only one of their first 22 Premier League games, is incredible. People talk about them being the richest club in the world, but Eddie Howe has kept them up by signing Chris Wood and Dan Burn, not Messi and Ronaldo. A
CRYSTAL PALACE
Don’t let one collapse at Goodison Park cast a shadow over a decent season. Patrick Vieira has done a good job, the Eagles reached an FA Cup semi-final and their recruitment – especially Michael Olise, Jean-Philippe Mateta and Joachim Andersen – has been very good. B
ASTON VILLA
Steven Gerrard came in because they were struggling, but he will demand a much higher finish next season. Villa can be satisfied with cementing their place in the Premier League for another year, and signing Philippe Coutinho permanently is a step in the right direction. C
SOUTHAMPTON
You never know what you are going to get from the Saints – sometimes brilliant, sometimes passive – but their season has tailed off badly in the last couple of months. The red danger lights are flashing for head coach Ralph Hasenhuttl. C-
EVERTON
With that squad, they should never have been in danger of going down in the first place. Frank Lampard gets an A grade for holding his nerve, but as a club it remains a mystery how they can spend £550million to go backwards. The rot must stop here. E
BURNLEY
Sooner or later, operating on one of the lowest budgets in the Premier League is going to catch up with the Clarets. Sean Dyche performed miracles to keep them up every year, and Mike Jackson has done a fantastic job since stepping into the hot-seat. D
LEEDS
Hindsight is a wonderful player, but Leeds were never in the bottom three under Marcelo Bielsa and I never thought sacking him was the answer. Going into the final day, I would rather be in Burnley’s shoes than in Jesse Marsch’s predicament. E
WATFORD
Although I’m surprised Roy Hodgson has taken only nine points from a possible 51 since he arrived in January, the Hornets went through three managers en-route to relegation in 2020 and another three couldn’t keep them up this time. Not much sympathy for them among neutrals. E
NORWICH
I said they would go down, and the writing was on the wall from an early stage. They tried to take on the Premier League with a Championship squad two years ago – and they made the same mistake again. Woeful. E
