I’ll never forget the absolute gorilla grip the sealed section in teen magazines had on me back in the day. Tearing the pages open felt scandalous and scintillating and I poured over them as if they were a forgotten, sacred text. But hindsight is 20/20, and now that I’m an actual adult with a developed frontal cortex, I’ve become aware that not all of those sex tips were good. Upon reflection, many were terrible.
A bunch of people on Reddit have been trawling through the deepest grooves and ridges of their brain to recall the most cooked sex tips they read in teen magazines like Cosmo back in the day.
I understand that some of these ‘sex tips’ seem a bit too bonkers to actually be printed so I’ve done my best to find as much proof as I can. Some of the others, well, you’ll have to take my word for it.
Let’s get stuck in, shall we?
The first one seemed to be inspired by the game ring toss. Well, if ring toss involved an erect peen.
“Gently stick his penis through the hole then nibble around it, stopping to suck him once in a while,” the tip read.
“The sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension.”
I can’t even comprehend to imagine what would happen if I whipped out a fresh Krispy Kreme to chuck around my boyfriend’s dong. Maybe I just need to open my mind to the sugary possibilities, but in my opinion, the doughnut might be best enjoyed together as a post-nut treat.
“I’m pretty open-minded when it comes to sex but food involvement is a no-go for me. I tried whipped cream back when I was 18 and was unimpressed. We both just got sticky,” one user wrote in response.
“What happens if you accidentally get the rhythm wrong and nibble his dick?” asked another.
And my favourite comment — “Like a sugar scrub? Jesus.”
Next up was a little tip giving “I’m the cool mysterious girl written by a man in an early 90s film”.
The advice gave the reader direction on what to do after sex. I’m glad they’re covering all the bases.
“And now, finally, you’re lying on the bed, exhausted and ecstatic,” Cosmo wrote.
“Grab your still-moist panties from the floor and use them to tie your hair back. This will show him that you’re fun, casual, and easy-going!”
Personally, I am none of those things. But even if I was, it’s a no from me.
And this is coming from a gal who once used an unused condom to tie her hair up and photographed it for publication in a national magazine. I wish I was kidding.
“People have their conspiracies that the lizard people are all in DC and heading Disney but I am certain I have found them and they’re all former copywriters at Cosmo. No human person could conceptualise this,” said a Redditor.
“This is deranged,” wrote another.
Now, the next one has me gobsmacked.
While my first instinct was to say grow up and get a clit-sucking vibrator, not everyone reading these articles could do that.
I sure as hell know I wasn’t swanning into a sex toy shop when I was a teen. But telling someone to use a dirty vacuum? That’s incredibly yucky, terrible advice, especially when it’s coming from a “trusted” source speaking to impressionable teens.
Also, just imagining the sound of the vacuum during a sexy foreplay moment is sending me.
Other tips didn’t necessarily have picture proof, so we’ll just have to take their word for it.
As it turns out, a lot of men do like things in their butts. But as we all know, it’s incredibly important to do this safely and with consent.
While you’re here, here’s a cheeky guide to pegging, just in case you’re ever feeling tempted by a smooth rock on a hiking trail but know there are better ways to go about it.
Well, there we are. It’s been fun, hasn’t it?
Now everybody stay away from smooth rocks and vacuums. In the bedroom, at least.
The post Remember All The Bonkers Sex Tips Teen Mags Like Cosmo Used To Publish? Reddit Users Do appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
