A relationship coach has told couples how to avoid Christmas chaos causing arguments - including having a 'safe word' when you want to escape overwhelming social events. Tara Blair Ball, 38, is a relationship coach who helps find solutions to couples' issues - whatever they are.
The festive season can be one of the most stressful and busy times of year - so Tara, from Memphis, Tennessee, US, shared how she and her husband stop it from impacting their relationship. Mum-of-four, Tara revealed she and Brian, 46, have a 'safe word' to secretly say to the other whenever they need to escape one of their many festive social events.
They also refer to each other by 'pet names' to avoid conflict while cooking the Christmas dinner - to remind one another they're "on the same team". Tara said when it comes to the festive season, the key to keeping your relationship - and sex life - sweet, is to communicate effectively, even if it's subtle.
She said: "In any relationship when something is stressful, it's you and your partner vs the problem - not you vs your partner. So communicating is so important during the holiday season when there's so much going on. If you maintain a connection it won't lead to fighting or yelling - but you have to work as a team."
Tara and Brian share four children - Blaise, 17 and Jack and Lily, both six, from previous relationships, along with their daughter Brienne, two. They host Christmas every year - meaning there can be a lot on their plates as they juggle a blended family.
But Tara revealed some of their most important techniques for keeping calm when getting swept up in the Christmas chaos - and not taking it out on your partner. Tara's first tip is for having an agreed safe word when attending events - meaning if one of you uses it, it's time to leave the gathering.
She explained: "Our safe word is 'shamrock'. If we're exhausted and tapped out at a function, that's like pulling the ripcord on the evening."
She explained both people should accept they have 'veto power' - the chance to not attend, or leave early - a social event. But she explained it can't be used frivolously - and said previous clients of hers would allow themselves one 'veto' per holiday season.
She said: "Brian and I are on the same page with it so it works. Being able to work on compromises is important to make a situation win-win for both people."
Another tip Tara offered is divvying up Christmas responsibilities to avoid awkward, 'I thought you were doing that' situations. Tara and Brian use a spreadsheet all year round to allocate tasks and chores equally - and said the spreadsheet is even more important this time of year.
The couple equally split buying and wrapping presents, sending cards, organising their social calendar and even planning each day's 'Elf On The Shelf'. Tara said: "It's normal for things to be defaulted to the female at Christmas so this prevents that.
"It's important to divide and deliver so you both have time to yourselves too. It also means you get less frustrated with one another and don't get resentful."
She added that scheduling effectively can do a world of good for your sex life too, she added: "You also need to schedule time for the two of you to have planned to be together, intentionally, as a couple. You need to have time to be together and stay connected.
"If you're just stressed out and never relax, you don't enjoy anything. Taking time for yourself makes you a better parent, better elf, better Santa, and better partner."
When it comes to Christmas Day and cooking dinner - which for many couples can lead to squabbling over the turkey and roasties - Tara offered some more advice to stay calm. She said they map out all the different jobs on their spreadsheet, such as grocery shopping, making the different dishes and doing the washing up.
The couple discuss their stress triggers ahead of time so they can notice the other getting overwhelmed and allow them space to avoid it leading to conflict. Tara said: "Brian can tell when I'm upset and will tell our kids 'mommy needs a time out' and he'll tackle the issue."
She also suggested using 'pet names' to address one another during stressful situations such as mid-cooking. Brian and Tara refer to each other as 'honey' when things get tough. Tara said: "It helps as a sweet reminder we love each other, just adds that subtle little reminder we love each other and we’re on the same team."
She warned a key problem a lot of couples have in stressful situations is turning on one another - but you need to try and remember what's important, she said. Tara added: "In any relationship it has to be you and your partner vs the problem, not you vs your partner. You're a team tackling life together and whenever things go wrong, its both of your responsibility. No one person is to blame for things. That's how to handle life."
