Marriage can be hard enough without one spouse hiding money from the other.
When financial infidelity in the form of “hidden cash” actually occurs, it can easily break a marriage or a live-in relationship for good.
The fact is about 30% of U.S couples experience financial infidelity. Further evidence shows that more than 75% of couples describe a hidden-money situation as negative, and about 10% of those scenarios end in divorce.
“When a spouse hides money in a marriage or live-in arrangement, that can be a significant problem because it can undermine the trust and financial stability of the relationship,” said Cognomovement therapist and founder Bill McKenna.
Hiding money in a relationship shows that a spouse doesn’t trust the other partner.
“When they do find out, it can hurt just as bad as finding out about a physical affair,” said MoneyCouple.com Chief Executive Taylor Kovar.
Hiding cash can also be a sign that one spouse is not fully invested in the partnership and may be acting in their own self-interest, rather than working toward shared goals and objectives.
“Ultimately this behavior roots in fear and distrust,” McKenna said. “Solve that and the problem will resolve itself. This is a relationship issue and it is resolvable.”
Red Flags That a Spouse Is Hiding Money
There are several major signs that a spouse may be hiding money in a relationship, experts say.
According to McKenna, these can include:
· Secret credit cards, bank accounts, or investment accounts that the other spouse doesn’t know about.
· Sudden changes in spending patterns or financial behavior, such as withdrawing large sums or making unusual purchases without explaining the reason.
· Refusing to share financial information or being evasive when asked about money matters.
· Keeping important financial documents or records hidden or out of reach.
· Hidden debt in the form of sudden changes in spending patterns or financial behavior, such as making large purchases or taking out loans without explaining the reason.
· Avoiding discussions about money or financial matters.
· Refusing to share financial information or being evasive when asked about debts.
Some financial infidelity signs are bigger – and more insidious - than others.
“One of the most common signs that a partner is hiding money in a relationship is an unusual amount of secrecy around financial matters, such as unexplained debits on credit cards and bank accounts, a refusal to discuss investments or sudden changes in spending habits,” said So Synced founder and relationship expert Jessica Alderson.
In some cases where digging up suspected financial infidelity is too complex or too difficult, hiring a private investigator or partnering with a professional financial adviser can either tell you what to look for to uncover hidden assets in a relationship or do the job themselves.
How to Approach the Issue
If you suspect that your spouse is hiding money from you, it's important to approach the situation with care and sensitivity.
“Try to have an open and honest conversation about your concerns, and try to gather as much information as possible about any hidden financial accounts or assets,” McKenna said.
If you do find out that your spouse has been hiding money from you, it's important to consider the implications for your relationship and financial stability, McKenna added.
“You may want to seek the advice of a financial professional or a therapist to help you navigate a difficult situation,” he said.
It’s also important to step out of your comfort zone and self-assess once you’ve uncovered hidden money in a relationship.
“Get real with yourself and listen to what your spouse has to say,” Kovar said. “They’re hiding money for a reason, so take a hard look in the mirror and realize there’s something you’re doing, or not doing, that's making your spouse feel like they have to hide funds.”
After a heart-to-heart discussion, if you opt to forgive your spouse, establish new financial routines that find common ground.
“That could mean having a quick monthly money huddle, removing communication barriers, and recommitting to being on the same team in every aspect of your relationship,” Kovar added.
It's also normal to feel angry and hurt when your trust has been broken in such a fundamental way.
“However, it's important to have the conversation with your spouse or partner once you’ve calmed down,” Alderson said “This will enable you to have a more productive conversation and gain some real insight into why your partner acted in such a way.”
Once the initial conversation about the hidden money is wrapped up, both spouses should take time to process what’s been discussed and then decide how to move forward.
“For some people, the breach of trust may be too severe for them to continue in the relationship,” Alderson said. “Others may feel that they can stay in the relationship if certain conditions are met and changes are made.”
“If you go down this route, getting to the core of the problem and resolving it is essential,” she added.
