Is there a way I can tell if a relationship is right for me? Anna Arnold, York
Send new questions to nq@theguardian.com.
Readers reply
Do you feel more or less like yourself when you’re with them? MooAndTwo
My granny always said that the greatest test of a relationship was whether you could put up wallpaper together without falling out. mariadam44
Embrace the mundane and the pedestrian. It’s about feeling comfortable together, lots of little moments of joy, and the knowledge that fiery arguments don’t lead to break-ups.
A deep, meaningful relationship grows over time. Sure, have the hot, heady first few months, but look beyond this.
Last year, I lost my life partner of 26 years. We were best mates, bickered a lot, laughed a lot; we were content to be doing nothing as long as we could be doing it in each other’s company. I knew what he was going to say before he’d said it and he knew me better than I know myself. Having somebody know you – really know you – is very special.
Now that he’s gone, I think back to all the unremarkable moments we spent together, all the ordinary life that happened while we were together, and it was beautiful. True, he swept me off my feet when we first met and it was all high passion and craziness, but it was when that settled into first a deep friendship, and then into a partnership that neither of us wanted to lose – that we were prepared to work for, that we nurtured and deliberately built on – that was when I knew this was real, that he was the most important person in my life and that I never wanted to be without him.
Now that he’s gone, I still feel like that. I’m still David’s girl and that’s how I know that our relationship was real. I’ll love him for ever. So, to answer your question, in my opinion, you’ll have to stick with a relationship to know if it’s real. Only when you’ve been in it for a while, or only when you look back on it, will you know. It’s a risk you’ll have to take. UKcloggie
I remember recently waiting for my partner to meet me for a coffee. I was sitting on a bench outside looking up and down the street to see where she was. I then caught sight of her in the distance and I lit up. That’s how I knew she was perfect, and the one. Grendella
We have been together for 40 years and I am still delighted to hear the back door opening after he puts out the trash. Not just because he put out the trash; I simply like him a lot. Physical attraction is a great start, but true love is based on acceptance of differences and mutual respect. It is not always easy and I can see that many relationships fail because people have insurmountable differences. You always have to be true to yourself first or it does not work. Bamgarde
Good working together: painting plastering, tiling – we did it all. Moments together, but trusting apart. A best friend, a soulmate, a rock; she would have said adorable. Things in common, but it doesn’t have to be everything: gardening, cooking, dancing together, but football, art and music a bit separate. I was veggie, she was not; I was left, she was right. A physical connection that works for both of you. Sadly passed away and not sure anyone else will come up to scratch! Matt48
Kirsty MacColl once did a Q&A in Smash Hits and one of the questions was “Love is ...?” Kirsty’s unbeatable response was: “Not minding someone else’s farts.” EddieChorepost
Having thoughts about whether or not a relationship is right for you is the very reason you shouldn’t be in it. GiaBaby
Some people are anxious by nature and will always second-guess their decisions. If you’re a thinker, aren’t you always going to wonder about something as big as this? Thinking that any doubt is a sign of something being wrong could lead to very bad decisions. microgreen
Does the person make you feel secure? Make you feel like the version of yourself you like the best? Does not bring out the version of yourself you hate? That’s the right one. Jazza13
One way of knowing when it’s wrong (far easier than knowing when it’s right) is when you find yourself flicking V-signs behind your partner’s back. johnofoxford
As Maya Angelou said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. If someone crosses a line twice, get out of there.
Humour, communication, trust, sex and love also matter, but get the first bit right and you’ll be very happy. GrasmereGardens
If you feel like you can tell them anything without fear of repercussions. If they make you feel better about your body than you did before. If they encourage you to see your friends. Socks
There’s always so much push for being in a relationship. The Guardian runs Blind date, How we met and The moment I knew. But, for some of us, it just doesn’t happen. I have been in relationships that were happy, and I “knew”, and suddenly they weren’t and I was left bereft. After years of therapy, I am happy with who I am and the life I have built, but I know that whenever I enter a relationship I lose sight of these things and I don’t like the person I become.
The only thing sadder than the knowledge that I will forever be alone is the feeling I get when I realise that once again I have let a relationship mess with my head. So I will stick with the second-worst feeling and be alone.
I know some well-meaning person will reply: “You just haven’t met the right one yet,” but the truth is that the problem is with me, not the other person.
Anyway, this is a rambling way of saying: can we please see some balance? Maybe for every three Guardian sections on how great relationships are we could have one that supports those of us who choose to fly solo. Clahhh
I spent a long time confusing drama with passion. I didn’t see how you could have a good, healthy life together (with plenty of sex) without some “conflict” to spice things up. I was totally wrong. Different strokes for different folks, but for me a good relationship is one where you can go from talking about admin (we have two kids) to getting it on without a lot of faff in between. No make-up stuff, but also no drama that gets in the way of being intimate, either. Also, find or make time to check in with each other. It works. For us at least. jeronimo97
