I’m well aware that Barbie is a doll that’s marketed towards children — I was one of them once upon a time — but I can’t help but notice the serious bad-bitch, independent energy coming out of Margot Robbie‘s press tour outfits for the upcoming film.
I am absolutely here for the certified slay, and, based on my own personal relationship baggage and biased judgement only, I have chosen to believe that the new and evolved 2023 Barbie is one that takes her ex-husband to the cleaners.
My personal gratitude to stylist Andrew Mukamal for the spades of sass for our homegirl. So let’s not piss-fart around — we’re here to ruin lives — so below’s my ranking of Barbie’s press tour outfits based on how likely she’d be to scissor and boot Ken like the worthless man he is. Thank you.
8. “OMG, You are such a good friend“
Say hello to Friendzoning Barbie, who will likely ruin Ken’s life thanks to never seeing anything romantic with him.
Wearing a Versace 1994 look, it’s giving thrifty queen and we all know the wholesome girlies are usually always the ones that got away. Sorry to Ken, because this girl next door will absolutely wreak havoc on his life, but only a little bit because she was never truly his (and never will be because territorial men can go in the bin).
7. “Yoohoo, only me”
This Barbie looks like she’s on Dancing With The Stars or something — like that Versace skirt’s going to come off while she salsas in a sparkly leotard. For that reason alone I know she’d do a number of any man’s life, including Ken’s, because that show is solely for people trying to remain relevant.
This Barbie also looks like she would own a swear jar and perhaps even several cats. It’s not necessarily life-ruining material but it will definitely make Ken’s life in plastic, less fantastic.
6. “Your mum’s going to love me!”
This Prada gingham set is giving “can you ever just be whelmed” and I don’t care if you sue me for saying it.
This Barbie will lightly ruin Ken’s life by meeting his mother, making her fall in love with him and then breaking up with him the next day and not being sorry about it because she runs this show. Sorry beb.
5. “Got a white boy on my roster”
This Barbie will ruin Ken’s life because she makes him feel insecure, threatened and intimidated for having the audacity to exist and have a career.
Another patriarchal man bites the dust, what a shame.
4. “It’s not too late to take the kids out of the will”
I think she’ll ruin daddy Ken’s life by convincing him to take his only son out of the will following a trivial argument. Get that bread, sis.
3. “Try me”
Although I wouldn’t be caught fucking dead wearing that hat or bag, I feel like this smiling-assassin Barbie would ruin Ken’s life by killing him with kindness. She’s the kind of person to call him a cunt with a grin on her face just to fuck with him.
2. “You can have the SUV but I’m taking the house”
It’s giving “I’ll take you for all your worth in the divorce settlement” which is a confidence I truly aspire to have. This Barbie means business and will not tolerate Ken’s dick getting wet outside of the holy union they committed to — in fact, she’ll cut the thing off and make him pay for the reattachment surgery.
1. “She’s a life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives.”
It’s giving “If you fuck me over, I’ll fuck your dad and become your stepmom, you little shit” and I truly love it. It’s a misleading Stepford wife aesthetic that is 10/10 likely to annihilate Kenny boi.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her on Instagram or TikTok although all content there is less unhinged than this article.
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