An NFL team does not need a mascot to succeed. If that were the case, four squads — the Green Bay Packers, New York Giants, Los Angeles Chargers, and New York Jets — would actually have an official one to begin with.
Alas, having a human being wear a giant cartoon-like suit while prancing around the field isn’t a mission everyone pursues. But the franchises that do have a cool mascot deserve praise for adding to the on-field pageantry. Sure, we’re really only around to watch the games and monitor our fantasy teams. There’s no need to deny it. Still, it’s always tremendously funny to see a caricature of a wild animal or figure from American history try to pump us up for a sport as silly as football.
With the 2023 NFL season in full swing, here’s the only glossary of mascot rankings you’ll need to reference all year. Some, of course, are absolute winners and delights to look at. Others are rough around the edges, ugly, and sometimes just entirely dull.
MORE NFL:
- 2023 coach rankings, starring Andy Reid
- 2023 GM rankings, with Howie Roseman at the top
- 10 NFL teams that desperately need new uniforms
- The NFL’s glorious 2023 throwback uniforms, ranked
28
Las Vegas Raiders: Raider Rusher
Mark Davis spent billions on a new stadium, in a new city, gave Josh McDaniels $40 million of all people, and this is his team’s mascot. Embarrassing. Reboot. Back to the drawing board.
27
Dallas Cowboys: Rowdy
Those crazy nightmare-inducing eyes on that generic humanoid figure. Jerry Jones has so much money, and he couldn’t spring for something better.
26
New England Patriots: Pat Patriot
I know we’re kinda limited by the team nickname, but good lord, I am also terrified by Mr. Pat Patriot’s eyes and the whole deal. You might as well just hire Tom Brady to be the team’s official spokesman.
25
Tennessee Titans: T-Rac
I want to play as Sly Cooper on my PlayStation 2, not watch him prance around a football field.
24
Indianapolis Colts: Blue
Is it a horse? Is it a Teletubby with blue fur? Does anyone know?
23
New Orleans Saints: Gumbo/Sir Saint
Does this have anything to do with the Saints? Anything at all?
No. Nuh-uh. You don’t just get to pick a dog because you couldn’t think of anything else. You can’t hide your lack of creativity behind a dog’s love.
22
Cleveland Browns: Brownie the Elf, Chomps
You usually don’t want your football team associated with elves that make shortbread cookies inside a tree.
The dog could’ve been … better. More vicious? Yeah, more vicious.
21
Denver Broncos: Miles
An anthropomorphic horse with an orange jersey and orange mane. It fits the Broncos’ themes. But it’s also so dang ugly and boring.
20
Carolina Panthers: Sir Purr
Oh, come on. I know what you’re thinking. Just say it: He looks like a Beanie Baby. Which, in this case, isn’t ideal.
19
Kansas City Chiefs: K.C. Wolf
If Chuck E. Cheese was a Goosebumps character.
18
Arizona Cardinals: Big Red
It’s fine but gets originality points dinged for being way too close to its collegiate cousin in Kentucky.
17
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Captain Fear
Oh heck yeah, a buff pirate. He’s no Dread Pirate Roberts, though.
16
Philadelphia Eagles: Swoop
Regrettably, as much as I like Swoop, he reminds me too much of a Chicago insurance company that has an “Eagleman” for a mascot. So, I can’t pick it in good conscience.
15
Detroit Lions: Roary
Another Beanie Baby but a Beanie Baby I would cherish before happily selling for $5,000 on eBay.
14
Atlanta Falcons: Freddie Falcon
There’s just too much going on here. Why are Freddie’s eyes so big? Why are his feathers so thick? He barely resembles his animal namesake. Bleh.
13
Chicago Bears: Staley Da Bear
Staley kind of has the face of a silly doofus, and his full name invokes a cringe reference to a one-note championship team from almost 40 years ago. But … he still seems fun? Passable but nothing more.
12
San Francisco 49ers: Sourdough Sam
The glorious full red beard. The ten-gallon hat. The ode to San Francisco’s history as a gold rush town. *Chef’s kiss*
11
Los Angeles Rams: Rampage
The name is sublime, and Rampage’s head design is perfect. Just perfect. I would bet on him in a fight against any other mascot.
10
Seattle Seahawks: Blitz
Truthfully, I’ve followed the NFL for decades, and I still don’t know what a “Seahawk” is. But if they were/are real animals, I want them to look like Blitz. So, so cool.
9
Cincinnati Bengals: Who Dey
There’s enough intricate detail in Who Dey’s suit to put it up high. Sure. Why not?
8
Houston Texans: Toro
He’s a black bull with a slight smile. What’s not to like?
7
Jacksonville Jaguars: Jaxon De Ville
The name is a bit of a mouthful (even though the structure is obvious). However, I love the yellow and teal-dotted jaguar colors on what looks like an animatronic suit.
6
Baltimore Ravens: Poe
A raven named after the famous poet. Get it? No, seriously, get it? I do, and I love him.
5
Miami Dolphins: T.D.
T.D. is proof that if dolphins (who are super intelligent) really did walk among us, they’d be (mostly) peaceful. He’s one of us. He’s family.
4
Minnesota Vikings: Viktor
The helmet, the long handlebar beard. This warrior is perfect. Perfect. Viktor almost makes me think that the real Norse vikings weren’t so bad!
3
Pittsburgh Steelers: Steely McBeam
His name is STEELY MCBEAM, and he wears yellow flannel with black overalls while carrying fake steel beams. Did I mention his name was STEELY MCBEAM?
2
Washington Commanders: Major Tuddy
Major Tuddy is still relatively new and is the best decision related to the Commanders in at least 25 years. I want to have a beer with Major Tuddy. Nothing else notable has happened to this franchise recently, right?
1
Buffalo Bills: Billy Buffalo
Billy looks like he came straight out of a certain classic Pixar movie. Plus, if I were a Bills fan forced to live through another agonizing playoff defeat, I’d want to see Billy immediately for comfort. The Bills know what they’re doing with on-field “entertainment.” He’s a home run.
