There is an evolutionary need for parents to protect their children from harm. One of the most difficult and important aspects of parenting is allowing children to take the necessary risks which enable them to grow.
TVO’s Old Enough!, based on a hit Japanese TV series, helps parents consider the balance between protection and creating space for children to develop independence and resilience. It shows very young children being provided the responsibility of running errands seemingly on their own.
It should be noted there are protections in place, for example as seen in Episode 1. Viewers see four-year-old Parker with supports for crossing streets, camera crews and shop keepers who are prepared for the child’s visit. It is not recommended that very young children complete errands unsupervised.
However, the show demonstrates that young children are capable, curious and competent. It encourages us to consider how we can support children in developing their confidence, self-worth and trust, and help them become independent and resilient while ensuring they feel supported and loved.
Independence begins with love
Old Enough! exemplifies many insights for parents about nurturing relationships with their children to support their emerging independence.
Secure attachment develops when a child consistently experiences a loving, attuned and responsive emotional connection, fostering a sense of trust and safety, and learning that their emotional needs will be met.
This is at the heart of raising independent and resilient children. Every experience shapes a child’s brain and influences gene expression. The emotional bond that develops from secure attachment provides children reassurance to take risks and try new things on their own. This emotional security enables them to confidently explore the world, knowing they have a secure base to return to.
In Old Enough!, viewers see glimpses of this trusting and loving relationship with five-year-old Simon and his dad David in Episode 3. Simon’s dads, David and Stephane, have different views around how much freedom Simon should have, with David feeling more protective. The episode shows Simon shopping on his own at Toronto’s St. Lawrence Market, with David outside.
When the bags are too heavy, Simon drags them outside to give to David, sharing he was “dropping off a load because it was too heavy.” Simon’s dad empathically sighs in agreement.
Simon knows his dad will be waiting for him. There is no concern of where to find his dad, or apprehension his dad would be upset Simon hadn’t finished, or had taken too long. Simon flops on the sidewalk and shares his solo adventure.
His father, clearly anxious, finds a way through his own feelings to ask Simon if he will go back in to finish. Simon proudly beams yes! Upon return, he is greeted with pride and a big hug. Simon is proud of himself, stating “now I know how to shop by myself,” shining with confidence and resilience.
That Simon knows the world is safe and trustworthy was evident in his secure internal working model. This is seen in his willingness to confidently ask others for help, knowing it will be OK if he fails. His reflection “I was not even scared,” emphasizes the confidence in his relationships and secure base from which he explores the world.
Love supports courage to take on tasks
Old Enough! also shows everyday moments of independence parents can foster by allowing children to complete simple, age-appropriate tasks.
For example, viewers see Parker making her lunch, or Luther empty the dishwasher. These tasks offer them the chance to build self-reliance and problem-solving skills in manageable ways.
Love and autonomy go hand in hand. This emotional foundation provides children the courage to take on tasks, solve problems and struggle through challenges. Love is not just a form of emotional support; it is also a tool for growth.
When children are provided with opportunities to face small challenges, make decisions and manage frustration, we help them build the resilience to handle bigger challenges later in life. This approach reinforces that their loving caregiver trusts and believes in them.
Children who know they are loved unconditionally feel secure in their worth and are more likely to navigate the complexities of life with a sense of inner stability. This emotional foundation prevents them from relying heavily on external validation because they have internalized their worth and value.
As children grow, having a balanced view of themselves, their relationships and the world prepares them to manage peer pressure, bullying and setbacks, reinforcing the understanding of their worth isn’t determined by others’ opinions.
Parents’ own attachment experiences
Parents can support their children’s journey toward independence and resilience by encouraging small acts of autonomy.
Letting children make their own choices, take on responsibilities and engage in problem-solving helps build their confidence. At the same time, parents should be emotionally available, offering comfort and support without taking over. This balance of trust and love gives children the necessary tools to become both independent and resilient, knowing they can face challenges and are always supported.
Parents who want to do more to support their children’s autonomy while maintaining a close connection often find that making changes can be difficult. This is especially the case if they have not experienced secure attachment, unconditional love or have a history of relational trauma.
Managing the real fear and anxiety of stepping back, perhaps fearing your child will feel unloved, can feel incredibly challenging. In Old Enough! such feelings are expressed by Ohelya’s mom, Arfina, in Episode 8, who shares she had to grow up faster than most of her friends and she wants to protect her daughter from this experience, allowing her to enjoy childhood.
For parents, it’s important to separate your fears and anxieties from what is real for your child, and ensure your history and experiences do not negatively impact your child’s opportunities for growth and development. Be kind and patient with yourself and your child during this process.
Watch, wait and wonder
Parents can consider using a strategy such as “watch, wait and wonder”:
- Watch: observe your child without intervening.
- Wait: allow them the time and space to explore and play independently.
- Wonder: reflect on their needs and your responses.
By acknowledging and managing your own fears and anxieties, you create space to see your child truly sparkle.
Learn and know who your child is, what their strengths are and what they need support with. It’s never to late to let children show you what they are capable of and reveal their amazing self. With consistency, you will build a deep meaningful connection built on trust and love, which will last a lifetime.
Nikki Martyn does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
This article was originally published on The Conversation. Read the original article.
