Kwasi Kwarteng has admitted he ‘got carried away’ during his brief stint as chancellor (Stefan Rousseau/PA)
(Picture: PA Wire)UK
“Categorically, nobody told me it was against the rules.”
Boris Johnson beats back the first wave of the Partygate scandal, saying nobody had told him the garden party he attended at Downing Street, was an actual party. That was not to be the end of his troubles, however. (18 Jan)
“It was tractors I was looking at.”
MP Neil Parish defending himself after being caught watching pornography in the Commons, saying he was only trying to watch some tractor videos when the filthy stuff popped up. And would you believe it, this happened to him twice. (30 Apr)
“Last night I drank far too much. I’ve embarrassed myself and other people.”
Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher is forced to step down after he allegedly groped two men at a London club. (1 July)
“Is this the first recorded case of the sinking ships fleeing the rat?”
Kier Starmer at PMQ’s as numbers of cabinet resignations grew in protest at Johnson’s troubled leadership. (7 July)
“Are there any circumstances in which you will resign?”
Tory MP Tim Loughton to Boris Johnson at PMQ’s. (6 July)
“The herd is powerful, and when the herd moves, it moves.”
Boris Johnson, in his resignation speech, suggesting an unthinking cow-like group movement, is responsible for him being forced out, as opposed to, say, it being the considered response to months of allegations, turmoil and him becoming the first Prime Minister to have been found to have broken the law. (7 July)
“Hasta la vista, baby.”
Refuting suggestions he’s not a serious person. Boris Johnson signs off his final PMQ with a quote from Arnold Schwarzenneger’s Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Did he mean to say “I’ll be back”?
“Guardian-reading tofu-eating wokerati, the anti-growth coalition.”
Suella Braverman takes aim at the MPs who voted against measures that would allow police to crack down quicker on Just Stop Oil activists. (18 Oct)
“May ‘flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.’”
King Charles, in his tribute speech following the death of his mother, the Queen. (12 Sept)
“Thank you ma’am, for everything.”
Paddington Bear, to the Queen, in the Platinum Jubilee concert moment that left not a dry eye in the country. (4 June)
Liz Truss
“My friends, I know that we will deliver, we will deliver and we will deliver.”
Liz Truss’ Prime Minister’s victory speech (Sept 5).
“I am confident that together we can ride out the storm. We can rebuild our economy and we can become the modern brilliant Britain that I know we can be. This is our vital mission to ensure opportunity and prosperity for all people and future generations.”
First speech as Prime Minister (Sept 6)
“We had to take urgent action to get our economy growing, get Britain moving and also deal with inflation. Of course that means taking controversial and difficult decisions but I am prepared to do that as Prime Minister.”
First post-mini budget comments (sept 29)
“I do stand by the package we announced, and I stand by the fact we announced it quickly, because we had to act. But I do accept we should have laid the ground better.”
Acknowledging mistakes in mini-budget strategy, (Oct 2)
“We get it and we have listened. The abolition of the 45p rate had become a distraction from our mission to get Britain moving.”
U-turning on abolishing the top rate of tax,.(Oct 3)
“I will not allow the anti-growth coalition to hold us back…they prefer protesting to doing, they prefer talking on Twitter to taking tough decision, they take taxis from North London town houses to the BBC studio to dismiss anyone challenging the status quo…It’s always more taxes, more regulation, and more meddling – wrong, wrong, wrong!...I have three priorities for our economy: growth, growth, and growth!...cutting taxes is the right thing to do, morally and economically…we will build a new Britain for a new era.”
At the Conservative party conference (Oct 5)
“Back again? Dear, oh dear. Anyway…”
King Charles greets Truss at her first weekly audience with him. (Oct 12)
“You have asked me to stand aside as your Chancellor. I have accepted.”
Kwasi Kwarteng in his resignation letter to the Prime Minister . (Oct 14)
“Parts of our minibudget went further and faster than markets were expecting..I have therefore decided to keep the increase in corporation tax that was planned by the previous government…I met the former Chancellor today, I was incredibly sorry to lose him.”
From Truss’ press conference speech (Oct 14)
“The lady’s not for turning…up.”
Kier Starmer when Truss didn’t appear at the Commons to answer an urgent question about the economy, in the wake of Kwasi Kwarteng’s sacking, (17 Oct)
“I am f*cking furious and I don’t give a f*ck anymore.”
Craig Whittaker the deputy chief whip loses his cool after scuffles in parliament over a vote on fracking which was seen as a confidence vote on the government. Resigns shortly after.. (Oct 19)
“I am a fighter and not a quitter. I have acted in the national interest to make sure that we have economic stability.”
At Prime Minister’s Questions. (Oct 19)
“Given the situation, I cannot deliver the mandate on which I was elected by the Conservative Party.”
Resignation speech. (Oct 20)
World
“Representative Jackie – are you here? Where’s Jackie? I think she was supposed to be here.”
President Joe Biden, looking around the room at a White House press conference for Indiana Rep Jackie Walorski, who had died in a high profile horrific car crash 8 weeks previously. (Sep 28)
“In these few centimetres passed from hand to hand lies the spirit of French know-how.”
French President Emmanuel Macron considers the baguette, as it is added to the United Nations’ Intangible Cultural Heritage list. (30 Nov)
“Once again I speak to the Ukrainian soldiers. Do not allow neo-Nazis and Banderites to use your children, your wives and the elderly as a human shield Take power into your own hands. It seems that it will be easier for us to come to an agreement than with this gang of drug addicts and neo-Nazis.”
Vladimir Putin waves goodbye to sanity as he justifies his invasion of Ukraine (Feb 25)
“The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride.”
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, speaking to a US intelligence official about being offered an evacuation out of Kyiv. (Feb 25)
“A Massive Fraud of this type and magnitude allows for the termination of all rules, regulations and articles, even those found in the Constitution. Our great ‘Founders’ did not want, and would not condone, False & Fraudulent Elections!”
Donald Trump, writing on his Truth platform, still claiming that the 2020 election was stolen, as the House panel investigating the Capitol riot asked the Justice Department to prosecute him on four charges. (3 Dec)
Celebrity
“Will Smith just slapped the sh*t out of me.”
Chris Rock at the Oscars, shortly after Will Smith stormed the stage to deliver said slap,. (Mar 27)
“Keep my wife’s name out of your f*cking mouth.”
Will Smith, having returned to his seat, explains to Rock why he had acted. (Mar27)
“At your highest moment, be careful, that’s when the devil comes after you.”
Denzel Washington’s words used to calm Will Smith during an ad break, establishing Washington as the best guru to be around when you’ve lost the plot. (Mar 27)
“What I’m really looking for is a bit of forgiveness.”
Matt Hancock on entering I’m a Celebrity. After two weeks of ritual humiliation in the jungle, he did get that tiny bit. (11 Nov)
“It was terrifying to have my brother scream and shout at me and my father say things that simply weren’t true. Any my grandmother, you know, quietly sit there and take it all in.”
Prince Harry talks about his family in the Netflix thriller, Harry & Meghan. (Dec 8)
“I wasn’t just being thrown to the wolves, I was being fed to the wolves.”
Meghan Markle on Buckingham Palace’s level of protection from the press. (Dec 8)
“It’s just a few drops, but yes we do consume each other’s blood on occasion, for ritual purpose only.”
Megan Fox on her dining habits with partner Machine Gun Kelly. (2 May)
“If you come for me, I’m going to come for you. And I’m really good at coming for people.”
Julia Fox on why her ex Kanye West leaves her alone on social media. (4 Mar)
“I see good things about Hitler.”
Kanye West follows a year of outrageous and despicable comments with praise of Adolf on Alex Jones’ show. Brands and associates leap to distance themselves from him. (Dec 1)
Sport
“The legacy of this tournament is a change in society. We have brought people together, brought people to games. We want people at WSL games. Sorry I’m screaming but I love every single one of you and I’m so proud to be English!”
Leah Williamson on leading the Lionesses to victory at the Euros. (31 July)
“I’m always taking my shirt off and going crazy.”
Chloe Kelly reflects on her goal celebration during the Lionesses’ Euro final win. (31 July)
“Today I feel Qatari, today I feel Arab, today I feel African, today I feel gay, today I feel disabled, today I feel a migrant worker.”
Gianni Infantino defends the world cup taking place in Qatar, with its questionable human rights record, by claiming kinship with minority groups since, “I was bullied at school because I had red hair and freckles.” (20 Nov)
“I don’t have respect for him because he doesn’t show respect for me.”
Cristiano Ronaldo tells Piers Morgan about his relationship with Man United manager Erik Ten Hag, prompting the termination of his contract. (16 Nov)
“Cristiano, for obvious reasons, was not very happy about it.”
Portugal boss Fernando Santos on dropping Ronaldo to the bench during the World Cup, which eventually saw the player leave the World Cup stage in tears. (7 Dec)
“I have five boys but if I had five daughters I would probably let Jude Bellingham take them all out at the same time. I would. He’s that kind of boy. With the greatest of respect, I wouldn’t let wee Jack Grealish near my granny.”
Ally McCoist assesses the England team. (5 Dec)
“I am psychologically destroyed.”
Neymar reflects on Brazil being knocked out. (10 Dec)
“To be able to finish my journey in the final makes me happy, and everything I have lived here is lovely.”
Lionel Messi on achieving his dream by winning the World Cup with Argentina. (18 Dec)
“He left it short…it was nicely on the volley for me.”
David Moyes explains why he fired the ball back to a ball boy during West Ham’s match with Eintracht Frankfurt. (5 May)
“He was probably a bully at school. He has some good traits in his character. But he also has a very evil side to him.”
Stefanos Tsitsipas on Nick Kyrgios after their match at Wimbledon. (Jul 2)
“The one who looks like she’s had about 700 drinks, bro!”
Nick Kyrgios asking for a Wimbledon spectator to be removed. (10 July)
“I am not retired.”
Serena Williams says she hasn’t retired, after months of farewells and accolades and tributes. (25 Oct)
“I’ve always quit liked the idea of rugby league. My longstanding memory is that 2003 drop goal. I’ll let you into a secret. I think we were drinking Bloody Marys at the time. It was 11 o’clock in the morning, but, wow, what a moment that was.”
Nadine Dorries, the Digital, Culture, Media and Sport Secretary, bonds with the rugby league crowd at an event by talking about watching rugby union. (30 Jun)
Social media
“It is truly unreal how f*cking hot you are…like it blows my mind.”
Leaked messages from married Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine to model Summer Stroh. (20 Sept)
“Holy f*ck…holy f*cking f*ck…that body of yours is absurd.”
More Levine messages, providing work for months for meme-makers everywhere. (20 Sept)
“I may need to see the booty.”
And yet more Levine; here’s hoping we see less of this, and even less of his music, in 2023.
“Christ is risen, Alleluia. He is risen indeed, Alleluia, Alleluia.”
Jacob Rees-Mogg’s Easter Twitter message, showing that he owes all that warmth and compassion to Jesus of Nazareth, apparently. Extra annoyance points for using the Latin spelling of Hallelujah as well. (17 Apr)
“Entering Twitter HQ – let that sink in!”
Elon Musk tweeting about his first day at Twitter, alongside a video in which he’s shown arriving at the building carrying an actual sink. Proof that billions cannot buy you wit. (26 Oct)
“Should I step down as head of Twitter? I will abide by the results of this poll.”
Elon Musk lost this poll as over 10 million people said he should leave (18 Dec). At the time of writing, he’s still there.
“Oh dear. I’ve rather put my foot in it.”
Jeremy Clarkson apology on Twitter for sharing his fantasy that Meghan Markle should be made to parade naked through every town in britain whil crowds “throw lumps of excrement at her.” (19 Dec)
“yes, please do enlighten me. email me at smalldickenergy@getalife.com”
Greta Thunberg’s retort to bro influencer Andrew Tate is generally agreed to be ‘the greatest Tweet of all time” (Dec 28)
yes, please do enlighten me. email me at smalldickenergy@getalife.com https://t.co/V8geeVvEvg
— Greta Thunberg (@GretaThunberg) December 28, 2022
