VAR-SENAL
Considering the constant forensic analysis of refereeing errors was one of the main reasons Video Assistant Referees were introduced to the Premier League in the first place, it’s been amusing to watch, read and listen to assorted pundits conducting very public, forensic analysis of the newish technology’s apparent shortcomings following the weekend’s top-flight action. Except of course it isn’t actually the technology that is flawed but the fallible humans who are tasked with using it, many of whom had lengthy “previous” in the field of making officiating mistakes long before they were given licence to start twitching the curtains in their Stockley Park bunker.
After a couple of days in which Arsenal, Chelsea and Brighton all found themselves on the wrong end of fairly egregious errors they could justifiably claim cost them points and prompted a former referee to call for a colleague to lose his livelihood for the offence of failing to spot a Brentford player who had strayed the wrong side of an imaginary line. “Howard Webb is now in charge of the PGMOL. One of the first things he should do is dismiss permanent VAR operator Lee Mason,” thundered Keith Hackett on Social Media Disgrace. “This weekend, Mason lets another referee down by not disallowing the Brentford goal for offside. These are decisions that VAR should get right.”
While “these” are indeed decisions that VAR should get right, only the most paranoid tin-foil hat-wearing loons think the officials getting them wrong are doing so deliberately. Earlier in the game, Ivan Toney should have scored but spanked the ball against the crossbar with the Arsenal goal gaping and at his mercy but nobody called for him to be handed his P45 because nobody died, the game went on and … well, sometimes these things happen. A thing that doesn’t often happen is the PGMOL acknowledging their errors but under new boss Webb we seem to have found ourselves in a brave new era of accountability.
“PGMOL can confirm its Chief Refereeing Officer Howard Webb has contacted both Arsenal and Brighton & Hove Albion to acknowledge and explain the significant errors in the VAR process in their respective Premier League fixtures on Saturday,” droned a statement. “Both incidents, which were due to human error and related to the analysis of offside situations, are being thoroughly reviewed by PGMOL.”
As part of that thorough review, Webb has convened an emergency meeting so he can order his team of officials to up their literal and metaphorical games, while John Brooks, who was responsible for chalking off a perfectly good Brighton goal against Crystal Palace due to an act of quite staggering incompetence, has been stood down from his next two assignments. Instead of overseeing VAR during tonight’s Merseyside derby and Wednesday’s crunch encounter between Arsenal and Man City, the hapless official will instead be forced to spend both games trying to identify various Palace players in his Panini sticker album.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“This is my last job - there won’t be another job for me” – Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock in 2007.
“I’m really excited about this challenge. I’ve looked at the fixtures and we’ve got some fantastic games to come. I want to come back and put smiles on faces” – the year is 2023, and Neil Warnock, actually 74, hops back onto the managerial merry-go-round at Huddersfield.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
“They work, don’t they? Advertising hoardings around football grounds, I mean. From the Memory Lane photograph in Friday’s Football Daily of a snowy Bradford v Brentford, I immediately wanted to know more about Kurem Ointment (what, everything?) and Hey’s Sparkling Ales. I had to research these and alas, neither is now available, though James Robinson was promoting the Kurem stuff even in Queen Victoria’s time. And according to the Telegraph & Argus of the early noughties, Bradford football hooligans were called ‘The Ointment’ - and maybe still are, if this was ever really true. Perhaps some local long-serving spectator can tell us” – Michael Dawson [the Michael Dawson?! – Fiver Ed].
“European Super League - words that have been floating around in some way or form that I recall since the 80s. Whatever you think of it, to me the absolute stand out is that a consultancy firm was paid millions to get the latest version so very wrong a couple of years ago and now has been paid millions more to marginally improve it. I quite like the idea of being paid again for having made a shocking mess the first time round. Is this why The Fiver was changed to Football Daily?” – Nick Livesey.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Michael Dawson [probably not that Michael Dawson].
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