The World Cup is starting and already it’s ruined – because Qatar is the most stupid, unsuitable place in the world for a football tournament.
If FIFA were in charge of the world sword-fighting championships, they’d arrange for it to happen in an airship.
It would be ripped to shreds in the opening match between Uruguay and Switzerland so everyone would plummet to the ground and die.
But they’d go on to announce it was a huge success because they attracted record sponsorship.
Then they’d award the Winter Olympics to Norfolk. The bobsleigh race would be a draw as all the teams would sit in their bob, wait five years in a flat mustard field and get out again.
Then they’d award the Eurovision Song Contest to a Trappist monastery.
So the tournament is being held in November, rather than the summer – as it always has been – because summer in Qatar is a billion degrees.
So the players have had no time together, there are very few fans, there’s no excitement, flags, stickers or World Cup songs or festivities.
But never mind, because Qatar offered the most money.
It’s like awarding Christmas to the Taliban because they made the highest bid. So they move it to April, and beer will only be allowed in the Hilton costing £80 a pint.
Presents can still be given but instead of Santa, they’ll be delivered by Osama Bin Laden. And the Taliban will hire David Beckham for £10million to present the human face of the Jihad.
The regime in Qatar is prepared to spend this money because its reputation is appalling. FIFA might as well go the whole way and award each game to whoever pays the most money.
The commentators would say: “Plucky Ecuador put up a good fight by offering $50million but in the end, the class of Saudi Arabia shone through, as they put up three oilfields and a golden palace.
“So they get three more points and win Group B as champions, where they’ll face Elon Musk in the knockout stage.” It’s also well known that the country depends on foreign labourers, who have no rights and whose passports are often confiscated when they arrive.
We’ll probably find out that instead of normal goals, they’ve saved money by tying some labourers together with gaffer tape. Some poor sod from Egypt will be getting paid £2 a day to stretch out as the crossbar.
Harry Kane is wearing a One Love LGBT armband in Qatar and is prepared to be fined. This is a wonderful gesture, but England should go even further.
They should walk out to Ricky Martin’s Livin’ La Vida Loca and at kick-off, Jordan Pickford should turn the goal into a cage and stand inside lip-syncing to a medley of Taylor Swift songs.
And the substitutes should be RuPaul and a team of drag queens.
Then, at last, there will be some genuine interest in this ridiculous World Cup.
