What do you get if you mix Keir Starmer, Thames Water, and a weight-loss-drug-taking Father Christmas? The top 10 best Christmas cracker jokes of 2024, as voted for by the British public.
The jokes were written by members of the public and then posted online, where they were filtered into a shortlist by a panel of judges before being put to an anonymous vote of 2,000 people.
Ranging from political puns to Britpop gags, the list of jokes, collated by U&Gold, formerly Comedy Gold, are in keeping with Christmas cracker tradition of lame one-liners that prompt eyerolls, rather than genuine chuckles.
The No 1 joke poked fun at the prime minister: “What gifts will Sir Keir get this Christmas? None, he’s had enough!” The quip is a reference to the autumn freebies row, where it was revealed that Keir Starmer accepted tens of thousands of pounds worth of gifts and hospitality, including Taylor Swift concert tickets, pairs of glasses, and rented clothing for his wife.
The other shortlisted jokes on the top 10 list were:
Why are pensioners bulk buying-brussels sprouts this Christmas? It’s the only way they’ll keep the gas flowing this year
Why is Rachel Reeves in the Nativity this year? She’s collecting inn-heritance tax.
Why is Santa worried about being stalked? He’s surrounded by baby reindeer
Who’s Santa’s favourite member of Oasis? Noel
Why does Father Christmas find going down chimneys easier this year? He’s on Ho Ho hozempic.
Why aren’t there more jokes about receiving Oasis tickets for Christmas? Most people won’t get them.
What do you call a Belgian reselling tickets at inflated prices? – a Brussels tout.
What’s the Thames Water advent calendar like? It’s full of number 2s.
Why did Gareth Southgate get into difficulty with the Christmas Club money? He was always late with his subs.
Comedy critic Bruce Dessau, who led the judging panel, said: “Another brilliant list of festive funnies from the public – a true testament to British wit! After an eventful 2024, I’m glad to see the nation’s humour bringing a bit of light to some of the year’s headlines!”
Christmas crackers were invented by Victorian confectioner Tom Smith. In the 1840s, generating ideas to push sales, Smith began writing love messages and poems on the wrappers of his popular sugared almond “bonbons”, which were big sellers at Christmas.
The idea snowballed after Smith began packaging the confectionery in tubes and adding the famous “pop” when the wrapping was pulled apart. The legend goes that the pop mechanism of the cracker was inspired by the crackle and sparks of Smith’s log fire.
After Smith’s son Walter took over the company in 1869, paper hats and trinkets began being added to the crackers. By the 1930s, when crackers were manufactured by a range of companies and were becoming household Christmas items, the love messages started to morph into jokes, for broader appeal.
