Adjusting to a new co-parenting arrangement can be tough, you're not alone with that. But with these co-parenting tips for separated parents, the transition may be a little easier.
When you've realised it's the right time to walk away from a relationship, your first thought is likely about your children; How are they going to react to the news? Where are they going to live? How will they adjust to living without both of their parents all the time?
One of the biggest struggles going into a new co-parenting arrangement is often the arduous task of keeping it civil for the sake of the kids. But that's difficult when there's emotional baggage left over from the failed relationship and perhaps you're also clashing on what parenting style to rely on through the change.
Jennifer Moore, Legal Director at Rayden Solicitors tells us; “The breakdown of a relationship can be stressful, traumatic and heartbreaking. However, when a child is involved, we would encourage you to find a way to communicate with your child’s other parent.” And Dr Seb Thompson, Clinical Psychologist at Cygnet Health Care agrees: “One of the core psychological needs of any child is to feel loved, accepted and safe. People who co-parent are ultimately the child’s primary attachment figures and are the people that the child will look for to provide that safe, nurturing and validating environment in which they can grow and thrive."
In this article we look at what co-parenting is, ask a psychotherapist how to co-parent successfully and share top tips from a family lawyer.
How to co-parent: Top 9 tips
Jennifer an expert in child contact and custody disputes shares her top 9 tips on how to co-parent.
- Consider longer term
- Keep 'grown-up talk' out of earshot
- Consider mediation if communicating gets too difficult
- Implement a 'parenting plan'
- Be flexible where you can
- Plan in advance
- Set boundaries
- Avoid interrogation
- Accept this is challenging and always respect each other
1. Consider longer term
If the separation is new and the children are young, there will be many years, potentially decades, to navigate, as co-parents. Jennifer says; "Effective co-parenting hinges on maintaining healthy communication methods with your ex. Consider each interaction with your ex with your child's well-being in mind."
2. Keep 'grown-up talk' out of earshot
"It is known that exposing children to parental conflict is not in their interests and is potentially harmful," Jennifer explains. And, the 2013 research conducted by Dr. Irwin Sandler, backs this, revealing that conflict between parents poses the greatest risk for harm to children - not the divorce itself. With this in mind, it’s extremely important to work through any conflict together without involving your child.
3. Consider mediation if communicating gets too difficult
If communication is difficult, as is often the case, consider involving a third party. "Mediation and/or family therapy are both useful mechanisms for agreeing on parenting principles, such as having the same rules and boundaries in place in respect of religious traditions," advises Jennifer.
4. Implement a 'parenting plan'
Jennifer suggests a parenting plan. "This is a written plan worked out between parents after they separate. It can help clarify the arrangements and set down what each parent expects of the other when the child is in their care." Dad-of-two Lee says this worked for them. "We implemented this and signed it, almost like a contract, a deal between us."
Licensed Psychotherapist Zuania Capó agrees writing for She Knows, she says; "Having a clear roadmap helps reduce misunderstandings and provides a structured framework for co-parenting," Capó explains. "Aim for consistent rules and expectations across both households. This helps create stability for the children, reducing confusion and making the transition between homes smoother. It also ensures that children understand the expectations and consequences on both sides, promoting a sense of fairness and stability in their lives."
5. Be flexible where you can
Zuania also reminds co-parenting couples that sticking to the plan is not always possible. "Life is unpredictable, and flexibility is crucial," she says. "Be open to adapting schedules when necessary and accommodating changes due to work, emergencies, or unexpected events. A flexible mindset contributes to a more cooperative co-parenting dynamic."
It is, however, possible to have too much of a good thing, Jennifer tells us. "If your ex is constantly asking you to change your plans under the guise of flexibility, then consider whether they are in fact trying to undermine the agreement you have reached. If that is the case, you could either refuse the proposed changes or instead suggest that you both re-consider the arrangements, in light of the fact that they are clearly not working as intended.”
Remember that flexibility needs to be mutual, you shouldn’t always be the parent who is compromising.
6. Plan in advance
Over school holidays, both parents will likely want to make plans and spend time with their child; so it’s important that arrangements are confirmed in order to allow each parent to organise activities, days out and trips without causing any unnecessary friction.
Jennifer agrees; “This is especially true if one or both parties will have a long journey in order to facilitate handovers. It’s worth thinking about the logistics as early as possible when considering your co-parenting arrangements. Apps like OurFamilyWizard or Cozi are some of our favourites to help make co-parenting work seamlessly.”
7. Set boundaries
"Whilst your child going to bed half an hour later than they would at your house is not the end of the world, an overall consistent approach avoids confusion for your child," Jennifer says. "The rules don’t have to be the same in each household, but your child should know what the basic co-parenting boundaries and expectations are.”
8. Avoid interrogation
Jennifer always advises her clients to to not involve the children. "We’d recommend avoiding interrogating the children after time spent with the other parent, as this involves the children in the parent’s problems unnecessarily.”
“However strong your negative feelings towards your former partner are, don’t use the children as “pawns” by using them to punish the other parent. This can lead to difficult relationships as your children grow up and form a view of how their parents dealt with contact.”
9. Accept this is hard
While you put in place plans, boundaries and roadmaps for the benefit of your kids, it's also important to listen to their input rather than just handle everything for them. Zuania says, "Amidst the complexities of post-divorce dynamics, it’s essential to create an environment where our children feel heard and valued. By actively listening to their aspirations, concerns, and preferences, we not only strengthen our connection with them but also empower them to express themselves openly." This can also teach both kids and parents how to better deal with family conflicts when they arise.
And they will arise as co-parenting can be challenging and it's okay to not always like each other, as long as you continue to respect each other as parents. Mum-of-two Lisa agrees, "In the beginning, this was really hard, we had split because of cheating and there was so much anger and resentment bubbling away and slipping out either by an eye roll or snarky comment. It was not my finest parenting moment. Mediation really helped."
Jennifer agrees, she tells us; “Try to recognise that you will both play an important role in your child’s life and value the positive contributions that you both make, no matter how small.”
Main takeaway
But for all the practical tips and tricks you can put into use, perhaps the most important is to remember that it's not personal. Of course it's easy to let emotions run high, especially when dealing with a former romantic partner but co-parenting couples need to remember that the actions and words of the other person are often reflections of their own struggles and not a personal attack.
Zuania says, "By focusing on fostering a positive co-parenting dynamic and recognising that both parties may make mistakes but ultimately have the same goal – the happiness and growth of the children – we can navigate challenges with grace and resilience."
What is co-parenting?
Simply put, co-parenting is where adults share the duties of parenting a child or children. A common example might be when a separated or divorced mother and father share legal and physical custody of their child. When co-parenting works it's a safe parental bubble, where children can see calm regulated grown ups treating each other with respect and understanding each other's needs even though they are no longer in a relationship.
Marcie agrees, "Co-parenting is the ideal state between two separated parents. It is when both parents can put their children front and centre and communicate effectively about them."
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