Prince William brought back his strangely controversial bearded look yesterday at a charity event in London, leaving people polarised over the state of the royal’s stubble yet again.
The ‘hair to the throne’, as they’re now calling him, was seen looking notably stubbly (and, dare we say, a little rugged) while visiting a homelessness project at the Saatchi gallery.
It’s the first time we’ve seen the Prince of Wales’ beard since he and Kate posted a video to Instagram last month congratulating the British Olympians for their performances at Paris 2024.
It caused a huge stir. A royal with facial hair isn’t entirely new - Prince Harry had a beard for many of his later years as an active royal, and Prince Philip sported one during his naval duties.
Perhaps it’s because of who the beard is on. Prince William is about as buttoned up as they come (sorry mate, we both know it’s true) and, in general, has never been pegged as a particularly chill individual.
But a man’s facial hair speaks volumes. You have to read the stubble like tea leaves. Here, we outline what your facial hair truly says about you.
Stubble beard
This look is intrinsically chill due to its 10 o’clock shadow nature. You simply have to be unclenched. You’re not a regular dad, you’re a cool dad, etc. But you’re also not a matcha latte yoga dad with an out of date manbun (ok, Shoreditch samurai, you’re so 10 years ago) and a honker of a beard. You’re likely more of a Carhartt jeans dad, a barrel BBQ dad, a baby carrier and Guinness on the street dad.
This beard choice is especially good if you’re bald or balding (i.e Yung Willy over here), because you owe it to the world to have hair somewhere on your person so you don’t end up looking too much like Greg Wallace or, indeed, an egg. Usually comes with some kind of beanie - for obvious reasons.
Full beard
You are either an out-and-out weirdo, in a good way, or you’re genuinely stuck in 2014. It’s a common affliction, just look at Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. Seeing a beard this large and purposeful always gives me the same recoil as hearing the word ‘hipster’ used with sincerity in 2024. Where the hell have you been?
However, I do allow a Viking-style beard if you’re genuinely a Viking-style man. Could you build a fire from scratch, gut a fish or pelt a wolf? Great, your beard can be as dominant as you want. But if you put your (undoubtedly long) hair up that sh*t better be in a low bun, my guy.
Moustache
You are either a gay man or an unoriginal one. You probably live in Hackney, which would be an astute observation if there weren’t currently more moustaches than Lime bikes in the borough. You wear Service Works and recently bought a pasta maker, which - yes, of course babe, I’m sure you will definitely use more than twice.
At festivals, you’ll maybe push the boat out and wear a white vest (or, if you’re the gay contingent of moustache-havers, this is your every day uniform) and a niche branded cap. The Stella Artois one you got with that four pack in Co-op will have to do if you can’t find anything else. You’re between 22-36 and you use Feeld to look for an actual relationship instead of kinky sex. You wonder if it’s too vanilla to put “hugging” down as a kink. You delete it.
Goatee
Terrible, horrible, what the hell are you doing! The only thing you need to know about this Sims 2-ass lookin’ facial hair is that it shouldn’t exist. Usually wielded by men who have just realised they can grow more facial hair than they once thought and are “trying it out”, goatees are almost always a mistake.
Kim Kardashian once said getting a tattoo would be like putting “a bumper sticker on a Bentley” and I feel the same about fit men getting goatees. It’s a crime. It’s a scourge. It’s a wispy smudge.
This goes for all men, from the Arsenal team to Lewis Hamilton all the way up to Robert Downey Jr, who will pay for his crimes.
Clean shaven
Either you cannot grow facial hair or you don’t know what’s good for you. I really understand it if you can’t grow decent facial hair — clean shaven will always be better than a goatee. But it is a truth universally acknowledged that men are hotter with a bit of facial hair, so I’m afraid your shaving is probably misguided. Put down the razor one day and see how it makes you feel. No one needs to pull a Patrick Bateman unless they have the face of Christian Bale.
It’s going to be okay, I promise. Yes, even if you work in finance. If Prince William can get away with it, so can you. Just keep that stubble short and sharply maintained.
