Christmas is upon us. The goose is getting fat. The latest round of Premier League fixtures was a testament to competence. Everything (Manchester City apart) went as conventional wisdom said it should based on form and results. There was no real VAR controversy of note. Mikel Arteta was booked on the touchline. What next, snow on Christmas Day?
The obvious exception was the abandonment of Bournemouth versus Luton Town, after Luton captain Tom Lockyer suffered a cardiac arrest. Lockyer remains in hospital at the time of writing.
No trophies are handed out at this stage of the season, but there were plenty of winners and losers from Matchweek 17.
Cliché of the week
Liverpool were going to win at a canter, according to the masses. That it wouldn’t match last year’s 7-0 score would be the only surprise. There was, therefore, an inevitability about the way the goalless draw played.
The more pressing matter is that even the most watched game in the Premier League – which draws crowds of up to 600m worldwide – can’t Postmates fizzling entertainment to your door. Blockbuster matchups are supposed to deliver blockbuster games. But this time of year is relentless. Players have to recover and play whilst trying to dodge the lurking ghost of a torn hamstring. Liverpool’s expected goals xG of over 2.50 suggests they were unlucky not to win against United, but the game was strewn with lethargy. It was a festive bonanza of missed and overhit passes, shots from distance and wrong decisions in key moments – a combined 181 failed passes across the game tell the story.
Players at this level are unable to perform at their best every time they step on the pitch, especially at such a demanding time of year. Anfield on Sunday offered another sobering reminder.
Goal of the week
This really isn’t a high bar this week. Therefore, let’s hand the award to a Goal That Wasn’t. Mykhailo Mudryk’s first-half attempt against Sheffield United was set up by a sublime piece of touchline skill from the Ukranian only to almost concede a throw-in from his resulting effort.
Peak Mudryk has been achieved 💀 pic.twitter.com/Xhd7QueK2e
— Men in Blazers (@MenInBlazers) December 16, 2023
There’s something about long-range shots that almost hit corner flags which leaves supporters deeply shamed. They carry with them the air of dark family secrets and unmentionable grief.
Unfortunately, Mudryk is now bearing the brunt of bringing humiliation to the Stamford Bridge door. Mudryk, one of the princes of Todd Boehly’s plot to revolutionize team-building in the Premier League by handing out ever-increasing contracts that can amortized (a term that means spreading the cost of a transfer over the lifespan of a player’s contract but that should be dropped in conversation loosely over a Pale Ale to show you really know your stuff), has become the poster child of Chelsea’s struggles under Boehly. Want to guess where Mudryk ranks among forwards and midfielders in xGChain this season, a measure of a player’s creative involvement? 143rd! Only 14 eligible players in the Premier League have had less of an impact on the ball this season. Mudryk sits behind the likes of Pelly Ruddock Mpanzu, James McAtee and Will Hughes this season. The distinction? Mudryk cost Chelsea $112m; Mpanzu, McAtee and Hughes cost $7m combined. Oof.
His long-range effort against Sheffield United may represent the nadir – though there are still seven years to run on his contract. We should all laugh a bit more and appreciate the humility of the wayward effort. After all, one eventually goes in.
Nicholas Lyndhurst scene-stealing award
“Watch your back, because he will steal every scene he can”, Kelsey Grammer told the Guardian in an interview earlier this month. Grammar was describing Nicholas Lyndhurst, who plays Professor Alan Cornwall in the new reboot of Frasier. But he may as well have been discussing Newcastle’s Lewis Miley.
On a day when injuries, new and returning, a much-needed victory, the sublime Bruno Guimarães and a red card could have all been the headline in Newcastle’s 3-0 win over Fulham, Miley was a scene-stealer in his own right. The 17-year-old became the club’s youngest-ever Premier League goalscorer to put his team ahead. He accompanied a goal by creating two chances, generating four ball recoveries and completing 14 of 18 final-third passes, in addition to topping counter pressures (six) in his substitute appearance. It’s his stature, balance and ability to find space between lines that give him the look of someone far beyond such tender years.
Stat of the week
If Crystal Palace’s two shots on target for two goals at The Etihad Stadium is no surprise, the fact they finished with a higher xG (1.66 to 1.62) than Manchester City should be. City’s lack of ruthlessness is becoming a problem for Pep Guardiola. His team are overperforming on xG by 1.74 on their cumulative total of 40 goals so far this season. This time last season they had also hit 40, but were overperforming by 9.26.
Sure, like most issues with City, this is a first-world problem. But this weekend’s draw shows what happens when you perhaps need an extra sprinkle of magic on top of the already-established excellence. Alternatively, you could just not concede twice with 15 minutes to go. Both points have equal relevance.
‘And I took that personally’ award
For the second game running, Richarlison stepped up for Tottenham with a goal in the team’s 2-0 win over Nottingham Forest. The Brazilian is a strange phenomenon. He is simultaneously the most and least vintage, number nine striker in the league. He is physically adept and seemingly welcomes contact from defenders, only to revert to theatrics and play-acting at the earliest opportunity. There is plenty to rave about with his game: His pressures are exemplary (19.11 per 90 minutes on average); his xG assisted is a humble 0.12 per game. And it’s worth noting that he is rarely employed through the center for Spurs. But, ultimately, the best answer to his critics will be goals. That’s what Richarlison has delivered over the last two games, turning into a walking Michael Jordan meme, the epitome of the guy who took it personally. And it’s when he plays with that kind of prove-them-wrong, on-the-edge fury that he’s at his best.
Infuriating FPL hipster transfer of the week award
Me, I’m the guy who’s buying skin contact wine for Christmas lunch. Stocking my tree with Actreryx goodies and rare vinyl from the 1970’s b-side jazz scene. I’m also the guy who persevered with West Ham’s talismanic Brazilian Lucas Paquetá, who bagged 14 Fantasy Premier League points for his hat-trick of assists against Wolves on Sunday. In these uncertain times of Erling Haaland’s unavailability, points need to be sourced from other places, and Paquetá has shown again how his quality is way beyond that of a mid-table contest. A true difference-maker when I needed him most.
Paddy Pimblett vs Tony Ferguson mismatch award
I know little to nothing about UFC. I basically know of “PaddyThe Baddy”. But I sat through Pimblett-Ferguson in order to make a point about James Milner, a Premier League stalwart who emanates honesty and graft, toiling his way through an afternoon against Arsenal’s exuberant winger Bukayo Saka.
It was a vintage set-up: Milner, the aging, battle-hardened slogger versus Saka, the young, rambunctious local hero. Both cross-sport highlight reels can be as difficult to watch as the other. Blows raining down and one torturous touchline run to another. Yet both veterans come out of their matchups with incredible credible optics. For Ferguson, it was that a points decision eventually decided the bout. While Milner can nod to Saka’s zero successful dribbles during the hour he was on the pitch for some kudos. Either way, both bouts told the story of a mismatch that will leave the veterans sore in the morning.
Turkeys voting for Christmas award
On Sean Dyche’s return to Burnley, there was a possibility he had set himself up for a fall. The Everton manager switched to a back-five system after winning their last three Premier League games with an aggregate of 6-0 employing his familiar 4-1-4-1 shape. The change in system was partly due to injuries and partly due to Burnley having a set piece xG against of 0.39 per game, according to Statsbomb. In the land of shrinking violets, pack your team with giants, right? It could have gone wrong for Dyche and Everton.
Instead, Burnley again showed themselves to be the crowning turkeys of this Premier League season. They emanate naïvety under Vincent Kompany. They defend high and static. They press without structure. They might be on an educational journey, a modest endeavor, but supposed progress and evolution should not look so turgid and toilsome. A 2-0 defeat to their former manager might force a chance of style – and if not, a change in the dugout.
Dodgy VAR decision of the week
As fixtures go, this round was relatively painless by VAR standards. A few nose-hair offsides and increasingly reckless challenges aside, this was one of the quieter weekends of refereeing influence. Most of the VAR-induced controversy was concentrated in Brentford’s 2-1 defeat at home to Aston Villa. Ben Mee’s red card left Thomas Frank seething and will be noted as the catalyst for Villa’s comeback.
Praise should be reserved for Unai Emery and his coaching team, tough. Emery’s double swap of Leon Bailey and John Duran in place of Moussa Diaby and Matty Cash on the hour mark turned the game around. It was a bold move to switch to three defenders, but Emery’s faith in an increasingly strong squad meant Villa could refresh key positions with quality without panicking, which eventually led to the comeback win. Well done, Emery and the boys. Now that’s good process.
