There’s a slight technical problem here, so for the next plug I’m going to have to go back to dial-up. Here’s Barney Ronay at Carrow Road, contemplating the Contefication of Spurs. And that is that from me. Do join us next weekend for the Champions League final (Saturday, 8pm UK time).
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“Hey,” says Christine Clover in Columbus, Ohio. “You and your colleagues were great this season, sharp observers and true wordsmiths, too, all of you. Thanks for all your efforts.” Too kind! I just came on as a sub halfway through the season, but you’re right about my colleagues – a top team, with another one behind them, making it all happen.
Many thanks to them, and to you for your company and correspondence on a day of fabulous drama. We’ll see you next season – sooner than usual, on 6 August, because of the winter World Cup. Only 76 days to go!
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... and the biggest disappointments
The team to fall the furthest, not that they will care, are Leeds, down eight places from ninth to 17th. Second in this table are Everton, down six from 10th to 16th. And third are Man United, crashing from second to sixth. They finish 35 points behind City, and the defeat at Palace today means they have lost their last six away games. Come back Ole, all is forgiven.
The most improved kids in the class...
So who are the most improved teams on last year? Above all Brentford, who are 13th, up 10 places (after finishing third in the Championship). Second: Brighton, up seven from 16th to ninth. Third equal: Spurs, up three from seventh to fourth; Arsenal, up three from eighth to fifth; and Wolves, up three from 13th to 10th – even though they collected only two points from their last six games.
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They’ve done Hey Jude at the Etihad, now it’s time for Sweet Caroline. And here are the rest of the match reports. Ben Fisher was at the King Power to see Leicester stroll past Southampton. Jacob Steinberg was at Stamford Bridge to see Roy Hodgson’s farewell ruined by Ross Barkley. And Andy Hunter was at Anfield to see Liverpool’s heroic failure to land that 20th title.
In a haze of light-blue smoke, Fernandinho lifts the trophy. It’s his final day as a City player, and he’s showing that you can be both a legend and an unsung hero. “Really nice experience for me,” he says. “Beautiful journey.”
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A few more match reports for you. Sam Dalling was at Brentford to see Leeds make the great escape, while Will Unwin was at Turf Moor to see poor old Burnley go down. They also serve who don’t receive a byline: an unnamed reporter from PA was at the Amex to see West Ham blow their chance to get straight back into the Europa League.
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The City players are back on the pitch. And so is Pep Guardiola, wearing a City shirt. What a phenomenon he is.
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“Went to the Arsenal game and we were right above the away fans,” says the writer John O’Farrell on Twitter. “Just as Arsenal’s 5th goal went in, the Everton fans were celebrating like crazy, as if they’d won the league. The point was that Liverpool hadn’t. Football is nuts sometimes.”
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The Premier League trophy is being plonked on its plinth at the Etihad Stadium. Meanwhile the match reports are coming in, like late goals. We’ve got David Hytner at the Etihad. If you’re more interested in the failing side of Manchester, we’ve got John Brewin at Selhurst Park. For five goals from Spurs, join Simon Mail at Carrow Road; for five from Arsenal, here’s Nick Ames at the Emirates.
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“In the Italian title race,” says Kári Tulinius, “it’s now half-time in Inter’s game against Sampdoria, where no goals have been scored, and also half-time in Milan’s match against Sassuolo. Milan are three goals to the good. I don’t think anyone needs a reminder of an occasion when AC Milan were three-nil up at halftime, and things didn’t work out for them.” Ha.
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“Just wondering,” says Mark Uribe, “when was the last time the league winners, fourth place, and 3rd from bottom were all decide on the last day of play? Can it get more exciting?”
I hope you won’t mind if I throw that one out to the floor.
Here is the goal difference for a few clubs, selected entirely at random.
Man City +73, Liverpool +68, Spurs +29, Man United 0, Norwich -61.
And Leeds -37, yet they survive.
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This is how Rob Smyth reported the goal that sealed the title.
“GOAL! Man City 3-2 Aston Villa (Gundogan 81)
“TAKE YOUR AGUERO MOMENT AND STICK IT IN YOUR MEMORY BOX!”
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The news in brief
Champions: Man City.
Into the Champions League: Liverpool, Chelsea, Spurs.
Into the Europa League: Arsenal, Man United.
Into the Europa Conference League: West Ham.
Relegated: Burnley, Watford, Norwich.
The first reaction to Burnley’s demise comes from Rick Harris. “Is anyone other than Burnley fans going to be sad to see them go down and Leeds stay up?” he asks. “OK – so Bielsa has gone, but Leeds have brought a lot of great football moments to the last two seasons and it would be a shame for Liverpool and United fans if one of their favourite opponents were relegated.” That’s one way of looking at it.
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FULL TIME: Leicester 4-1 Southampton
Ayoze Perez scored his second, six minutes into added time, to give Leicester a resounding win. they finish eighth, nipping ahead of Wolves, who are tenth, with Brighton in between.
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FULL TIME: Brentford 1-2 Leeds
... while Leeds stay up. A draw would have done it, but they went and scored a winner in the fourth minute of added time. What a moment for Jack Harrison, and Jesse Marsch.
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FULL TIME: Burnley 1-2 Newcastle
Burnley, who have escaped so often, go down.
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FULL TIME: Liverpool 3-1 Wolves
So Liverpool win and finish on 92 points – but City have 93 and that is what counts. The pair of them are 18 points clear of everyone else. It’s not the big six this season: it’s the massive two.
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FULL TIME: Crystal Palace 1-0 Man United
United’s dismal season ends on a suitable note – except that somehow they finish sixth and go into the Europa League.
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FULL TIME: City 3-2 Villa
Just to confirm that scoreline. No quadruple for Liverpool, but they will go down as one of the all-time great runners-up.
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MAN CITY ARE CHAMPIONS!!
It’s all over at the Etihad. City went 2-0 down and somehow scored three in six minutes. What a way to win their fourth title in five years.
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FULL TIME: Arsenal 5-1 Everton
Martin Odegaard gets a fifth, but fifth is where Arsenal stay, thanks to Spurs and their five.
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FULL TIME: Brighton 3-1 West Ham
Where did those goals come from? Pascal Gross and Danny Welbeck, that’s where. So Welbeck gives his first club a hand and West Ham end up in the Europa Conference League after all.
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FULL TIME: Chelsea 2-1 Watford
Ruthless stuff from Ross Barkley, and that’s a rare home win for Chelsea. But Watford at least avoid finishing bottom, thanks to Spurs.
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GOAL! Liverpool 3-1 Wolves (Robertson 89)
Another one! A nice one-two with Firmino and a neat finish for Andy Robertson. “Come on Stevie,” says Jamie Carragher.
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GOAL! Chelsea 2-1 Watford (Barkley 90)
... which is cruelly snatched away by Ross Barkley. He goes head to head with Donny van de Beek for Forgotten Man of the Day.
GOAL! Chelsea 1-1 Watford (Gosling 87)
A crumb of consolation for Roy Hodgson ...
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For the third time today, Liverpool’s fans are celebrating something supposedly happening somewhere else – but they may be misinformed. City are still winning and therefore still a point ahead. Liverpool need one more favour from Villa.
GOAL!! Liverpool 2-1 Wolves (Salah 84)
They’ve done it! Scrappy but effective. And Salah draws level with Son on 23 league goals.
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GOAL! Leicester 3-1 Southampton (Perez 81)
This is getting silly now. Everyone is scoring except Liverpool. (And Man United. And Norwich.)
GOAL!!! Man City 3-2 Villa (Gundogan 81)
One brings three! And that may be well that. A Kevin de Bruyne cross, an Ilkay Gundogan tap-in: it’s the stuff of champions.
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GOAL! Leicester 2-1 Southampton (Ward-Prowse 79)
Saints get a goal back with a penalty.
GOAL! Brentford 1-1 Leeds (Canos 78)
Squeaky-bum time for Leeds fans, but they’re still a point up on Burnley.
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GOAL! City 2-2 Villa (Rodri 78)
And another! Are City going to do an Everton?
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GOAL! Leicester 2-0 Southampton (Vardy 74)
He always scores on the final day.
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GOAL!! City 1-2 Villa (Gundogan 76)
A header for Gundogan, a glimmer for City! They’re still top right now, but won’t be if Liverpool score.
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GOAL! Burnley 1-2 Newcastle (Cornet 69)
A glimmer for Burnley as Cornet scores at the second attempt after a save by Dubravka.
GOAL! Norwich 0-5 Spurs (Son 75)
Son takes the lead!
GOAL! Norwich 0-4 Spurs (Son 70)
No sooner does Salah miss than Son scores, so they are now level in the race for the Golden Boot – both on 22 goals.
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Jurgen Klopp rolls the dice again. Keita off, Firmino on – which means Virgil van Dijk will stay on the bench.
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Meanwhile, at Anfield, Mo Salah has just gone clean through and failed to score. He took a second too long, allowing Willy Boly to put in a fine closing tackle.
One goal does it now for Liverpool.
GOAL!!! City 0-2 Villa (Coutinho 69)
You couldn’t make it up!
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“Surely,” says Mary Waltz, “Villa can’t hold on for thirty more minutes?” You’d assume not...
GOAL! Norwich 0-3 Spurs (Kulusevski 64)
Anything Arsenal can do, Spurs can do more clinically. Kulusevski gets his second with a peach in the top corner.
GOAL! Burnley 0-2 Newcastle (Wilson 60)
Burnley’s day goes from bad to worse as Callum Wilson scores his second. The hard work seems to have been done by Allan Saint-Maximin.
GOAL! Arsenal 4-1 Everton (Gabriel 59)
For the second time today, two London buses come at once. It was a scrappy effort from Gabriel after a corner, but the Gooners won’t care.
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GOAL!!! Brentford 0-1 Leeds (Raphinha 56)
This is huge! Raphinha wins the pen and puts it away, so Leeds are now three points clear of Burnley.
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Another change for Liverpool as Mo Salah comes on for Diogo Jota. He gets a hug from Jurgen Klopp, who is not going to die wondering.
GOAL! Arsenal 3-1 Everton (Soares 56)
Another one for Arsenal as Soares, teed up by Saka, produces a fine finish.
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That goal from Joel Veltman sends West Ham back to seventh. And gives Man United, still losing at Selhurst Park, a reprieve they hardly deserve.
GOAL! Brighton 1-1 West Ham (Veltman 50)
A twist in the tale!
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NO GOAL! For Liverpool
Mane has it in the net again – but the flag goes up. And rightly so, no need for all those lines on the screen.
GOAL! Leicester 1-0 Southampton (Maddison 49)
James Maddison, in the form of his life, puts away a rebound from Jamie Vardy’s shot.
The second half is under way. Ten months of football comes down to ten lots of 45 minutes.
Two subs at Anfield
James Milner replaces Thiago, whose league season therefore ends with that touch of genius. And John Ruddy is on for Jose Sa.
As it stands...
... City will be champions, Spurs fourth, Arsenal fifth, West Ham sixth, Man United in the Europa Conference League, Burnley relegated and Leeds safe. But we will surely have a few twists.
“Not sure why the commentators thought the Iwobi penalty was a close call,” says Alex Whitney. “He clearly moved his upper arm deliberately away from his body in order to make contact with the ball. One of the clearest handball penalties I’ve seen of late.
“And for the van de Beek goal... Rob Holding just let the ball run by him 2 feet away in the goalmouth. He single-handedly took Arsenal out of contention in the last match, is he trying again today?”
HALF-TIME: Leicester 0-0 Southampton
Not much riding on this one.
HALF-TIME: Norwich 0-2 Spurs
Not remotely Spursy.
HALF-TIME: Arsenal 2-1 Everton
Arsenal doing their stuff, just needing Norwich to score three.
HALF-TIME: Chelsea 1-0 Watford
The game it’s hardest to get excited about.
HALF-TIME: Man City 0-1 Villa
Matty Cash, you beauty. But City are still top on goal difference.
HALF-TIME: Burnley 0-1 Newcastle
Callum Wilson’s penalty is threatening to send Burnley down.
HALF-TIME: Brighton 0-1 West Ham
The Hammers take that precious lead into the break.
GOAL!! Arsenal 2-1 Everton (van de Beek 45+3)
Forgotten man strikes! Donny van de Beek, who came on for Abdoulaye Doucoure ten minutes ago, taps in from Dominic Calvert-Lewin’s cross.
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HALF-TIME: Liverpool 1-1 Wolves
Twelve shots for Liverpool, and still just the one goal. Close but no cigar.
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HALF-TIME: Palace 1-0 Man United
Ralf Rangnick, who began with a 1-0 win over Palace, is threatening to bow out with its mirror image.
HALF-TIME: Brentford 0-0 Leeds
So far, so good for Jesse Marsch.
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GOAL! Brighton 0-1 West Ham (Antonio 40)
And just to rub it in, Mikhail Antonio scores for West Ham with a screamer, so as it stands they are one point ahead of Man United.
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GOAL! Palace 1-0 Man United (Zaha 37)
And Wilfried Zaha scores against his old club! Which means United are staring down the barrel of the Europa Conference League.
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As it stands: big two level on points
So, at this moment, Liverpool are level with City on 90 points, but City are still well ahead on goal difference (71 to 66). So Liverpool have to score, and Villa have to keep that clean sheet.
GOAL!!! City 0-1 Villa (Cash 37)
Scrub that! Stevie G’s Villa have taken the lead! A fine cross from Diane and a nice glancing header from Matty Cash.
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Still no goals in half the games – at Brentford, Brighton, Palace, Leicester or Man City.
Liverpool have now had 11 attempts, but only one on target.
GOAL! Norwich 0-2 Spurs (Kane 32)
A goal for Harry Kane, not Son alas, as Tim Krul makes a hash of playing out from the back.
GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 Everton (Nketiah 31)
You wait 27 minutes for a London bus, and then two come along at once.
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GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 Everton (Martinelli 27)
Another penalty! And another change of decision from a ref – handball given against Alex Iwobi, at his old stamping ground
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Fortified by the goal and roared on by the crowd, Liverpool are pouring forward. They’ve already had eight attempts and one of their old boys isn’t happy about it. “Liverpool have to be so careful,” says Jamie Carragher, just possibly misreading the room. “It’s a bit too emotional.”
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GOAL! Liverpool 1-1 Wolves (Mane 24)
That didn’t take long! And it’s a gem of an assist from Thiago, a nonchalant flick that sends Mane clean through.
GOAL! Burnley 0-1 Newcastle (Wilson 20)
Aha, the gods of drama have woken up. Newcastle get a penalty (from VAR) and Callum Wilson puts it away, which means Leeds are out of the bottom three and Burnley are in the brown stuff.
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GOAL! Norwich 0-1 Spurs (Kulusevski 16)
This is not how it was meant to go. For the purposes of drama, we needed early goals for Villa, Norwich, Palace and Leeds. Instead not one of them has found the net and poor old Norwich have now gone behind, to Dejan Kulusevski, the Luis Diaz of the south.
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“A Klopp masterpiece of tactics!” says Mark Slater. “City will now relax and leak goals, and fail to win as the ‘Pool undertake a second half blitz!!” Ha.
GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Watford (Havertz 11)
In today’s dullest fixture, something has happened. And Kenedy has an assist! His cross gives Kai Havertz a tap-in.
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A word from our Everton correspondent, Mary Waltz. “Well, now I know what watching a team with a starting squad all suffering from a massive hangover looks like.” At least you can watch them! We’ve only got two live games here in little old England.
A Sky caption shows that Liverpool have won more points from losing positions than anyone else in the Premier League – 17 so far. Second, less predictably, are Everton, level with Brentford on 15.
That was all about Virgil van Dijk’s absence. As Jose Sa went long, Ibrahima Konate missed with a header, letting Raul Jimenez go clean through. His neat cross gave Pedro Neto a tap-in.
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GOAL! Liverpool 0-1 Wolves (Neto 3)
You what?
Peep peep! Times ten.
At Anfield, You’ll Never Walk Alone is ringing out. Liverpool always win the battle of the anthems.
Teams: Kenedy back for Chelsea
Kenedy! Remember him?
Chelsea Mendy, Azpilicueta, Silva, Rudiger, James, Kante, Niguez, Kenedy, Ziyech, Mount, Havertz.
Watford Bachmann, Femenia, Kabasele, Samir, Kamara, Sissoko, Kayembe, Cleverley, King, Pedro, Sema.
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Teams: no Broja for Saints
Youri Tielemans returns for Leicester. Jamie Vardy, who always seems to score on the last day, may fancy his chances. Ralph Hasenhuttl leaves out Armando Broja and places all his faith in the Armstrongs.
Leicester Schmeichel, Fofana, Evans, Dewsbury-Hall, Mendy, Justin, Tielemans, Castagne, Maddison, Vardy, Barnes.
Southampton McCarthy, Walker-Peters, Lyanco, Stephens, Salisu, Redmond, Elyounoussi, Ward-Prowse, Romeu, S Armstrong, A Armstrong.
Teams: no starting place for Noble
A more sentimental manager might have given Mark Noble a start. David Moyes prefers to bring him off the bench.
Brighton Sanchez, Veltman, Dunk, Webster, March, Bissouma, Caicedo, Cucurella, Gross, Mac Allister, Welbeck.
West Ham Fabianski, Coufal, Dawson, Zouma, Cresswell, Soucek, Rice, Bowen, Lanzini, Fornals, Antonio.
Teams: Cavani and Mejbri start for United
Ralf Rangnick finishes as he started, with a game against Palace. Cristiano Ronaldo’s place goes to Edinson Cavani, so at least the pressing will be better, and there’s a first start for the feisty Hannibal Mejbri. Patrick Vieira makes five changes from the soap opera at Goodison Park, with Marc Guehi among the absentees.
Crystal Palace Guaita, Clyne, Andersen, Ward, Mitchell, Gallagher, Hughes, Schlupp, Rak-Sakyi, Zaha, Edouard.
Man United De Gea, Dalot, Lindelof, Maguire, Telles, McTominay, Fred, Elanga, Mejbri, Fernandes, Cavani.
Teams: Bamford misses out for Leeds
No Christian Norgaard for Brentford, so he may be in danger of missing out on the Golden Shinpad (for the most tackles). For Leeds, Patrick Bamford was ready to return, only to test positive for Covid, which rather sums up their season.
Brentford Raya, Ajer, Jansson, Sorensen, Henry, Jensen, Janelt, Eriksen, Mbuemo, Toney, Wissa.
Leeds Meslier, Koch, Llorente, Cooper, Firpo, Phillips, Raphinha, Rodrigo, Harrison, Gelhardt, Greenwood.
Teams: a start for Dele Alli
Dele Alli gets a rare start, Donny van de Beek doesn’t – he’s on the bench, ready to come on for Dele in the 63rd minute. Frank Lampard gives a few people a breather, but this Arsenal defence still looks a bit ropey.
Arsenal Ramsdale, Soares, Holding, Gabriel, Tavares, Elneny, Xhaka, Saka, Odegaard, Martinelli, Nketiah.
Everton Begovic, Branthwaite, Holgate, Keane, Kenny, Davies, Doucoure, Iwobi, Alli, Gray, Calvert-Lewin.
Teams: Kane is OK
Antonio Conte, another manager who takes the drama out of selection, has Harry Kane fit again.
Norwich Krul, Aarons, Byram, Hanley, Giannoulis, Sorensen, Normann, Dowell, Lees-Melou, Rashica, Pukki.
Tottenham Lloris, Sanchez, Dier, Davies, Royal, Bentancur, Hojbjerg, Sessegnon, Kulusevski, Kane, Son.
Teams: Burnley unchanged
Burnley stick with a drawing team, reinforcing the suspicion that their stand-in manager Michael Jackson knows what he’s doing. Kieran Trippier returns for Newcastle, whose drastic improvement began with his arrival.
Burnley Pope, Taylor, Tarkowski, Collins, Long, Cork, Roberts, McNeil, Brownhill, Barnes, Cornet.
Newcastle Dubravka, Trippier, Lascelles, Burn, Targett, Longstaff, Guimaraes, Joelinton, Almiron, Wilson, Saint-Maximin.
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Teams: City v ... Olsen
No Sterling or Grealish in Pep’s starting XI, but John Stones returns (as a right-back). For Villa, Emi Martinez is unfit so Steven Gerrard gives a club debut to Robin Olsen, who used to be at Everton and then Sheffield United. Sounds like a recipe for some last-day heroics.
Man City Ederson, Stones, Fernandinho, Laporte, Cancelo, Rodrigo, De Bruyne, Silva, Mahrez, Foden, Jesus.
Aston Villa Olsen, Cash, Chambers, Mings, Digne, Luiz, McGinn, Ramsey, Buendia, Coutinho, Watkins.
Teams: no Salah for Liverpool
And no Van Dijk either, which may make more of a difference.
Liverpool Alisson, Alexander-Arnold, Matip, Konate, Robertson, Keita, Henderson, Thiago, Jota, Mane, Diaz.
Wolves Sa, Gomes, Coady, Boly, Ait Nouri, Moutinho, Neves, Dendoncker, Otto, Neto, Jimenez
Some correspondence! “Just emailing in,” says Joe Mahoney. “to question that choice of Lasagna pic. Was it your intention to find the single most unappetizing picture on the internet? If so, bravo. The film-like shiny skin on its surface seems to be acting in a similar way to bright, colourful frog skin; a clear warning sign to all to stay far, far away.” I’ll pass on your compliments to the picture desk.
Hang on, we have a fifth two-horse race. The Golden Boot! Mo Salah is in the lead with 22 league goals, but Son Heung-Min is breathing down his neck with 21. Salah may not get a start today, with only six sleeps till the Champions League final. And even if he does, Wolves – though they’re in terrible form – may be less obliging than Norwich. Cristiano Ronaldo, who is third, is missing today with a hip-flexor injury, so he’ll be left with the Bronze Boot unless Harry Kane helps himself to a hat-trick at Carrow Road.
Preamble: four two-horse races
Afternoon everyone and welcome to the madhouse. The final day of the Premier League season is traditionally a time of late twists, fond farewells, squeaky bums and silly results (Sir Alex Ferguson managed to combine the lot by finishing his career with a 5-5 draw at West Brom). Today we may see a little less of the wackiness and a little more grit, because the fixture list has done us proud. There are four two-horse races still to be run, and none of the clubs involved are facing each other – so eight of the ten games starting at 4pm have something riding on them.
Those races in full:
The league title. It practically belongs to Pep Guardiola, and it’s his to lose. If City beat Villa, they retain the Premier League trophy. But Liverpool, who face Wolves, are only one point behind them – and they’ve come from 11 points behind on 19 January. Both teams are at home today, which is more reassuring for Jurgen Klopp than for Pep.
The last Champions League spot. Leonard Cohen saw it coming: it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth. Spurs visit poor benighted Norwich, needing only a point, so they can almost afford to be Spursy. Or even to order the lasagne. Arsenal, who have slipped back into their red-card habit, can’t afford to be Arsey. They entertain Everton, who are poor travellers and have nothing to play for after saving their skins in that midweek melodrama – but they have bizarrely become Mikel Arteta’s bogey team, with victories in the last three league meetings between the sides.
The European wooden spoon. Not content with competing to see who is Manchester United’s least successful post-Fergie manager, Ralf Rangnick and David Moyes are also duking it out for the dubious honour of qualifying for the Europa Conference League. United, who visit Crystal Palace, are two points ahead but way behind on goal difference, so they need a win to be sure of making the Europa League, which is about their level these days. West Ham, who go to Brighton, seem much the better team without having the league results to show for it. They may have something in their eye as they say goodbye to Mark Noble.
The final relegation place. Norwich and Watford are doomed, Everton are safe, which leaves Burnley and Leeds. Both are on 35 points, with Burnley way ahead on goal difference and in much better form after benefiting from the no-manager bounce. They have 10 points from the last six games, twice as many as Leeds. Burnley are at home to Newcastle, whose new-found excellence is seldom seen on the road. Leeds visit Brentford, who have been superb since they signed Christian Eriksen. It’s a lot easier to see Burnley getting something than Leeds, but the final day doesn’t have much to do with logic.
The closest thing to a dead rubber is at Stamford Bridge, where Chelsea, who can only finish a distant third, welcome Watford, who are 19th and can’t be shifted unless Norwich somehow beat Spurs. The final game is Leicester v Southampton, where nothing but pride and prize money is at stake. Leicester, who are ninth, may well leapfrog Wolves, though they could conceivably be caught by Brighton. Southampton are 15th and will stay there unless Everton better their result.
If you’d rather follow one of the two biggest games, do join Rob Smyth for City-Villa or Simon Burnton for Liverpool-Wolves. If you’re up for all the fun of the fair, and the unfair, do stay here.
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