Bill Belichick … college football coach?
It’s all sorts of weird when you think about it. Dude has won so many Super Bowls and could have the pick of any job he wants in the NFL if he wants back in, but with talk of potentially taking the helm at North Carolina, it feels like this is something he might actually want.
UPDATE: He’s going to do it!
Perhaps it’s the draw of controlling an entire program. Maybe it’s the connection to his father who once coached at UNC. Maybe it’s to set up his son, Stephen, for a bright future.
While we wait to see if anything comes of this, the rumors got us — and pretty much the rest of the internet — thinking: what would a Belichick recruiting pitch sound like?
We’ve got this. Let’s break it down, in a one-act play:
INTERIOR: A recruit’s house in Raleigh.
Bill Belichick and an assistant coach enter through the front door. Bill is wearing a UNC hoodie with the sleeves cut off. He ignores the parents holding out their hands for a shake. He sits down in front of the recruit and doesn’t say a word. He removes his Super Bowl rings one by one out of their boxes.
He sits down in front of the recruit and his family, puts the rings on his fingers and holds them up for a full minute. He puts them away, then takes out a photo of his boat VIII Rings and displays it for another minute.
Belichick then takes out placards on an easel like he’s Don Draper and begins a 20-minute presentation on the history of left-footed punters.
“If you stay awake for the entire presentation,” he says in a dull monotone, “you’ve passed the first test.”
He takes out a clipboard and a pen and asks the player about social media use next, writing down notes with every answer.
“Do you use SnapFace? InstantChat? YourFace? MyFace?”
He tosses a 200-page tome to the recruit.
“You have five minutes to read through that. A pop quiz on coverages, routes and more will follow,” he says.
After the quiz, Belichick turns to the parents.
Belichick: “Any questions?”
Mom: “Do you think our son will be a starter by his sophomore year?”
Belichick: “We’re on to Cincinnati.”
[Mom and Dad exchange a look of pure confusion.]
Dad: “Uh, what kind of NIL opportunities could you see for him?”
Belichick: “We’re gonna keep that in house.”
[Belichick and the parents stare at each other in silence for another minute. He stands up.]
Belichick turns his attention one final time to the recruit.
“Do your job. Do your job. Do your job. Do your job. Do your job. Do your job. Do your job. Do your j–”
[The UNC assistant coach reaches back and flips the “off” switch on Belichick. He picks up a frozen Belichick, nods at everyone in the room and walks off.]
FIN.
