THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT
Among the deluge of postmortems devoted to Manchester United’s all-too-predictable humbling by their noisy neighbours at Old Trafford, was a piece on the Sky Sports website headlined: “All of Man Utd’s many, many problems analysed.” It was an ambitious endeavour and it is a testament to the author’s talent for keeping things succinct that it only stretched to a mere 1,144 words. In his post-match reflections on the “cultural toxicity” enveloping his former club, Gary Neville joked that Manchester United “need Daniel Radcliffe, not Jim Ratcliffe” to help whip things into shape. And while not even Football Daily would dare open with that one [we would if we’d thought of it first – Football Daily Ed], we suspect a truly comprehensive analysis of United’s current failings would fill far more volumes than the seven meaty tomes in which JK Rowling chronicled the adventures of the famous boy wizard to whom Gary alluded.
Sadly, Football Daily has fewer than seven paragraphs at our disposal and while we’d love to wax lyrical about the club’s grasping American owners, famously dilapidated stadium with its leaky roof and all the other issues currently helping to hamstring their on-field endeavours, we’re going to point our Big Finger O’Blame for Sunday’s shambles at their manager Erik ten Hag and his squad of underachieving players. Looking at the pre-match lineups, there is not a single one among them who you could imagine currently getting within an ass’s roar of being selected for Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City.
For all their many obvious and well-documented shortcomings, the one thing you can say in their favour is that the Glazers have rarely been shy when it comes to hosing cash around during transfer windows. Knowing the eggs tend to dry up when the golden goose doesn’t get fed, they have authorised the spending of more than £1.6bn on new recruits since the retirement of Lord Ferg. Three of the more expensive acquisitions at the club – Antony, Raphaël Varane and Mason Mount – started Sunday’s game on the bench, while in Jadon Sancho they had another who could be forgiven for giggling away at what’s unfolding in his absence from the comfort of his sofa. On the plus side, Ten Hag was at least able to start promising academy graduate Jonny Evans, who had last played in a Manchester derby 11 years ago and was originally re-signed to act as the footballing equivalent of a therapy dog to support the club’s kids but was instead tasked with keeping Erling Haaland on a tight lead.
One of many symptoms of United’s current malaise rather than a direct cause, Evans at least has the excuse that he is 54 years old. For when they did come off the bench, Antony and Mount contributed the sum total of eff-all, even if the Brazilian liability did get to showcase his trademark one-trick feint by skilfully avoiding a red card. One might have expected United’s captain Bruno Fernandes to try and exert some sort of calm on proceedings as assorted teammates lost their heads, but it was always a long shot considering his is invariably the first to go. “The spirit is very good, so I think we are on the way up,” parped former Ajax manager Ten Hag. “We have to be patient.” While his United may have little or nothing in common with the Dutch giants of yore, they can at least lay claim to bearing more than a passing resemblance to the cautionary tale that is the Ajax who sit bottom of the Eredivisie table of today.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“For me, who liked cartoons when I grew up, that was big. It can’t be easy to feature in a cartoon [on Big Website]. I managed that without even trying! I felt: ‘Damn, that’s fun.’ The fact that they were poking fun at me I don’t care about. I am who I am. I try to be honest to myself so here I am, that has pros and cons. You have to take that” – Sweden coach Peter Gerhardsson tells the media in his homeland about, erm, his pride at having made it into a David Squires panel after wandering into a cleaning cupboard at the Women’s World Cup.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
It’s exciting to hear that a completely new planet has apparently been discovered, namely the one inhabited by Erik ten Hag who declared after the derby humiliation that United had performed ‘very well’ and are ‘on the way up’. Or is it merely the case that Planet Zog has been renamed ‘Planet Hag’?” – Adrian Irving.
Allow me join the other 1,056 pedants in pointing out that most of Mo Salah’s bones (Friday’s News, Bits and Bobs, full email edition) are actually about 10 years old. As are Jürgen Klopp’s, so take that how you will” – Harriet Osborn (and no other orthopedists).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Rollover.
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