It’s time for the Police Federation of England and Wales to apply lavender oil to all available pulse points, because the new ITV comedy Piglets is here. When the title of the sitcom about six recruits to the fictional Norbourne training college was announced, the Federation’s condemnation was swift and lengthy. One can only assume that every investigation had been closed and the last criminal in the country locked up that morning and our boys in blue have been looking for a new project ever since. It was, the federation said, “A disgusting choice of language to use for the title of a TV programme,” and “highly offensive to police officers risking their lives to protect the public every day, providing an emergency service”. And “inflammatory against a landscape of rising threats and violence against officers”. And “incredibly dangerous to incite more negativity and misinformation against a public sector service that’s already under so much pressure”.
Now that they have had a chance to view the programme, perhaps the federation can put the toys back in the pram and note that, by some whim of the comedy gods, there is virtually nothing – given the wealth of material offered almost daily in recent years of endemic police corruption, failures and general inadequacies – in it to distress its members. Beyond that wounding title, of course.
The raw recruits comprise world-weary former dinner lady Geeta (Sukh Kaur Ojla) who has joined up to try to spend less time with her family, eager beaver Afia (Halema Hussain), wannabe actor Dev (Abdul Sessay) and graduate Steph (Callie Cooke), who has joined to keep tabs on her ex-boyfriend Mike Gunn (Ukweli Roach), one of the college trainers. Then there is Leggo (Sam Pote), who is an unwilling follower in his senior officer parents’ footsteps, and Paul (Jamie Bisping), the dim scion of a local crime family.
Those responsible for knocking them into shape are superintendents Julie Spry (Sarah Parish), a force to be reckoned with, and Bob Weekes (Mark Heap), barely a force at all. There are also the trainers; Steph’s priapic ex Mike, and Daz (Ricky Champ), who has been taken off proper police work for an unspecified breach of duty (“Technically, someone died”). There is also the administrator Melanie (Rebecca Humphries) who literally growls at people making demands of her until they go away.
Each episode comprises a weak storyline with a couple of good lines (Spry’s unexpected “Bob, do you need a poo?” as they finish a team pep talk, or her curt dismissal of Gunn from her office – “Off you go, Magic Mike, don’t trip over your cock”). In the opening episode, Spry and Weekes are informed that there is a spy hiding in the new intake who must be discovered (cut to Paul being picked up at the end of his first day by his villainous dad and driven away), while Steph attempts to sabotage any budding relationships for Mike. In the second, the chief superintendent is sacked for going to a fancy dress party as Stephen Hawking, sparking a competition between Spry and Weekes for his job. Meanwhile, Paul must try to steal a flash drive and Afia tracks down her lost pen. In the third, the recruits are issued with their uniforms, Steph forces Mike to use her as his partner in demonstrating how to restrain a suspect and it is a bit like them having sex, Dev is revealed to be a (probable) virgin … and this viewer begins to feel tired.
Piglets was created in large part by the team behind Smack the Pony and Green Wing, and you can see the idiosyncratic ghosts of both shows in the attempts at surreality and absolute silliness. But here they don’t quite come off, and instead just make you feel embarrassed and sad. Melanie’s maddened lust for Weekes is a pale imitation of Sue’s for Mac in the latter show, and even Heap’s usually effortless weirdness feels laboured. By the end of the first couple of episodes you are longing for Piglets to stop pulling its punches and embrace the absurdity, or to cut its losses and settle into ordinary sitcom territory. As it is, it falls between two stools and lands with a bit of an uncomedic splat.
Piglets aired on ITV1 and is on ITVX now.
