Sleepovers are all about the midnight snacks, face masks and movies with friends, right?
But what if your son or daughter was also snogging friends and dry humping pillows? A couple of years ago, I remember Florence Given - author, artist and activist unlocked a flood of secrets about young girls sleepovers on her Instagram stories. Thousands of women opened up about all the exploration and 'practicing' that went down at their sleepovers, normalising the topic and helping people understand that exploration is simply a part of growing up.
But as parents of teens, knowing what we know, does that alter your view of sleepovers? I remember a scene in Mad Men, when Sally was caught masturbating at a sleepover. Mortified Betty (her mother) believed that Sally needed psychiatric help. But Mad Men was set way back in the 60s. Thankfully, we currently live in a more informed world.
READ MORE: 'Rejection therapy' 30 day challenge that could help you be more successful
Sleepovers are traditionally single sex. Girls have girls stay over and boys have boys stay over. But with fewer children identifying as heterosexual, thanks to representation from the LGBTQ+ community, celebrities, social media influencers and activists, our children are more free and confident in exploring their sexuality and gender. So is there any point in splitting sleepover groups based on sex?
When considering sleepovers for teenagers, it’s important to note that heterosexual kids as well as LGBTQ+ kids that haven’t yet come out to their parents, are quite capable of engaging in sexual activity at sleepovers. But being LGBTQ+ does not mean you want to have sex with anyone you happen to be friends with.
LGBTQ+ kids certainly should not be discriminated against and excluded from social actives, such as sleepovers. And as society moves to be more aware and respectful of the sexuality and gender spectrum, parents have a responsibility to ensure they include their children's diverse group of friends.
The Young Persons Advisory Service (YPAS) LGBTQ+ Lead advised that “LGBTQ+ children should be treated in the same way as any other child when considering sleepovers. E.g. as a parent you have a duty of care to keep all the children in your care safe.”
If an LGBTQ+ child or young person between the ages of 10-25 years old feels they are being excluded or discriminated in any way, they are free to access the 1:1 support at YPAS. Or they could attend a group provision for peer support. For further details about our LGBTQ+ services visit to their website.
While some parents may find out years later that the best friend their teenager always had sleepover over, was in fact a girlfriend or boyfriend, it’s pretty uncommon. The likelihood is, your teenagers will wait until you’re out of the house to invite love interests round.
Making sure that all teenagers fully understand the importance of safe sex, is key. Speaking to them openly about not being permitted to have sex at home, during sleepovers, and ensuring that they thoroughly understand consent, will arm your teenager far better, than banning any specific gender or sexually orientated person.
I spoke to Thalia, 23, from Aigburth who identifies as queer, and said: “I’ve heard stereotypes that young girls questioning their sexuality ‘practice’ kissing their mates at sleepovers, but I really don’t know how true that is. Considering it’s hard enough to tell your mates that you’re gay when you’re young, let alone convince them to kiss you.
“I think any parent trying to exclude LGBTQ+ kids from anything should be worrying more about why they think gay kids are dangerous, or likely to try it on with their children. It’s definitely internalised homophobia presenting as parental concern. Kids are kids at the end of the day and if you expect your child to be treated with respect then you should lead by example and never worry about another child’s identity.
“The whole boys will be boys mindset is still soooo common so I bet so much sh*t goes down between girl and boy friendships that’s not acceptable, but just gets brushed off as boys will be boys.
“I’ve never experienced exclusion like that, but I do remember one time a group of girls in the PE changing room gathered together to tell the teacher that they thought I should be made to get changed in the boys changing room, because I could be looking at them. Which is obviously vile on so many levels. That attitude had 100% been normalised by their parents.
“Maybe if parents thought about the implications of the things they say around their children had on the other kids’ childhoods they’d reconsider. Because I can guarantee the only people who are sexualising LGBTQ+ children are homophobic kids and parents.”
Get the top stories straight to your inbox by signing up to our what's on newsletter
READ MORE:
