Fear is a very normal, core part of being a human being. Pretending that we’re not afraid or that there’s no danger might not be the healthiest way to go through life. Instead, by embracing and acknowledging our fears, we can then take steps to avoid the consequences that scare us so much. It’s something that all parents should keep in mind.
Parenting expert Darius Ryan-Kadem (@dariusryankadem) went viral after sharing a video in which he talks about why negative reinforcement can be a good approach to encourage your child to do something they fear. Scroll down for the advice he shared with other parents, including why active listening is a plus and why telling kids that there’s “nothing to be scared of” might not be the best tactic.
Bored Panda reached out to Ryan-Kadem to learn more about tackling fear and how parents can foster good communication with their children. He was kind enough to answer our questions, and you’ll find our full interview with him below.
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How you handle your children’s fears as a parent can have a big impact on who they grow up to be in the future
Popular parenting expert Darius Ryan-Kadem went viral online after explaining how negative reinforcement can be a good tool in situations where your child is scared of something
“If your child is fearful, stop telling them, ‘There’s nothing to be scared of. You can do it. Just try it once.’ Instead, use negative reinforcement.
“Here’s how you do it. First of all, negative reinforcement is where you remove or reduce the unpleasant stimulus that is causing the emotional discomfort such as fear, anxiety, or distress.”
“Now, let’s look at how this is done. She’s afraid of going down the slide. I’m positively charged, based on my assumption – ‘Go go go’ – while she’s apprehensive, as she’s afraid of something.
“Her stutter is another sign of her discomfort. I could’ve said, ‘Oh, but you’ve done this before, come on, I’ll hold your hand, let’s do this together. Don’t be afraid, it’ll be fine, I’ll give you a sticker if you do it.’ All of which are great examples of invalidating her fear.
“I want her to fully articulate her fear. ‘Okay. I see. Are you worried about something that you think is going to…?’ ‘I’m worried I’m gonna face-plant into the rocks.’ ‘I think that might happen if you were leaning forward, you’d face-plant.'”
“This is called paradoxical intervention. I’m agreeing with her fear to reduce her anxiety, and I frame it so that I’m provoking an insight into what we could do to remove it. Then I offer an alternative, not just through words, but demonstrating. ‘But what if you lean backwards, like this? That way you won’t face-plant.’ And this non-intrusive approach enabled her to creatively come up with a different solution.
“I didn’t overpraise her. I just acknowledged her effort with as little words as possible, because she shouldn’t be motivated to repeat this behavior based on how I felt about her response, but rather what was intrinsically rewarding to her. She might have felt brave, excited, or accomplished.”
“Firstly, I was receptive to her state. I didn’t jump in with preconceptions. I stepped in as a problem solver.
“Through active listening and reading her body language, I was able to identify her fear, and then I chose the method of negative reinforcement to remove this fear, offering her a solution by showing her rather than explicitly instructing her, which then led to her coming up with her own solution and then, of course, feeling intrinsically rewarded at the end.
“Teaching a child to evade their fears undermines its significance, while guiding them to accept it gives them the power to remove it.”
You can watch the dad’s video in full right over here
@dariusryankadem If your child is fearful, stop, telling them, theres nothing to be scared of or you can do it, just try it once, instead use negative reinforcement. Heres how? #parenting101 #childdevelopment #parentinghacks #childhood #childpsychology #negativereinforcement #behaviour #behaviourism #fear #fearful #trauma #effectivecommunication ♬ original sound – Darius Ryan-Kadem
“I always try to align my intentions with helping my children find resilience within themselves, rather than imposing my own perceptions”
Image credits: Levi Meir Clancy/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
We were curious as to why some parents choose to tell their kids not to be scared of something instead of acknowledging those fears. According to Ryan-Kadem, the parents’ intent may be to build resilience, teach their children emotional regulation, or socially condition them.
“However, in doing so, they project their own fears and concerns or attempt to explicitly dictate how their child should respond to a threat. This can unintentionally invalidate the child’s emotions and hinder their learning experience,” he explained to Bored Panda in an email.
“Despite this, the common thread between parents who dismiss fear and those who guide their children through dialogue and emotional validation is the desire to protect. The key difference lies in the approach,” he said.
“Ultimately, the real question is about intention. Personally, I always try to align my intentions with helping my children find resilience within themselves, rather than imposing my own perceptions. I aim not to dictate what they should feel but to help them understand why they feel the way they do.”
One worry that some new parents have is that they feel like they might not be able to communicate ‘well enough’ with their children as they raise them. We asked Ryan-Kadem for some advice on this.
“Becoming an effective communicator comes with challenges that can disrupt meaningful parent-child interactions. Emotional barriers like anger or anxiety can hinder clear expression, while poor listening often leads to misunderstandings,” he explained.
“Inconsistent messaging creates confusion, and time constraints reduce opportunities for open dialogue. Additionally, developmental differences impact a child’s ability to understand and express themselves. Overcoming these obstacles requires awareness, patience, humility, and a commitment to fostering open and supportive communication,” he said.
Active listening is a core part of keen observation which, in turn, helps you become an effective communicator
Image credits: Getty Images/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
According to the dad, the main tool for becoming an effective communicator is keen observation. “And the key skill required for observation is active listening. This involves not just hearing but truly understanding by observing, asking open-ended questions, and reflecting with the intent to identify your child’s needs,” he said.
“This foundation of trust strengthens their attachment to you and enables you to clearly define your boundaries and expectations.”
Bored Panda also wanted to better understand what motivates Ryan-Kadem, and what first inspired him to share his parenting advice online. He told us that he is a big believer in reinforcing learning through reflection and sharing. And the best way to learn something is to teach it (which we completely agree with).
“The most important job in my life is to be the best version of myself, which makes learning how to achieve this the second most important job. However, when my content started connecting with people, I realised the ripple effect I was creating, and that’s when my mission became even more meaningful,” he said, opening up to Bored Panda.
“What bridges information and transformation is implementation. Through my content, I aim not only to inform but also to show how to implement in a real-life setting. Raising a child is the most important responsibility, but learning how to fulfil this role is the most unique opportunity.”
Negative reinforcement is different from punishment or positive reinforcement
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According to Verywell Mind, negative reinforcement can have a powerful effect on behavior, especially as a short-term solution.
In short, negative reinforcement strengthens a behavior by stopping, removing, or avoiding a negative outcome. In other words, you take away something that a person finds undesirable. This is in contrast to punishments (aversive stimuli) or rewards (positive reinforcement).
Some everyday examples of negative reinforcement can include things like putting on sunscreen to avoid getting sunburned, leaving home early to avoid getting stuck in traffic, cleaning up at home to avoid fights with your family or roommates, etc.
Positive reinforcement, on the other hand, involves rewarding certain behaviors with praise, money, or other incentives.
“You can distinguish between the two by noticing whether something is being taken away or added to the situation. If something desirable is being added, then it is positive reinforcement. If something aversive is being taken away, then it is negative reinforcement,” Verywell Mind explains.
Adults need to be careful that they don’t accidentally pass their phobias on to their children
Image credits: Gabby Orcutt/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
How the people in your life react to fear can have a big impact on your life. Whether someone develops a specific phobia depends on a variety of factors, from genetics and culture to life experiences and their home environment.
In some cases, family members can pass their fears on to their younger relatives, even if the latter personally haven’t had negative experiences with, e.g., heights, dogs, enclosed spaces, etc. Typically, specific phobias appear when a child is around 7 years old.
Phobias—which are common anxiety disorders—are irrational, overwhelming, and persistent fears that force people to avoid certain situations or objects, Verywell Mind explains. There are five main categories of phobias: animal, natural environment, situational, blood-injected-injury, and ‘other’ types.
The most common phobias are the fear of closed-in places, heights, escalators, tunnels, highway driving, water, flying, dogs, animals, insects, thunder, public transportation, injuries, and dental and medical procedures.
Overcoming very severe phobias might require the help of a mental health specialist, who may use cognitive behavioral therapy or exposure therapy to reframe your perspective.
As per the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), roughly 9.1% of all adults living in the United States have had specific phobias in the past year. Meanwhile, 12.5% of all American adults are thought to experience a specific phobia at some point in their lives.
Phobias can impact a person’s day-to-day life quite deeply. For example, NIMH reports that 48.1% of people with phobias had mild impairment, 30% had moderate impairment, and 21.9% had serious impairment.
Authoritative parents balance clear rules and boundaries with warmth and support
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There are four main parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved. The first one—authoritative parenting—is generally accepted to be the best approach because kids raised in these households become independent, well-adjusted, resilient, confident adults with good self-esteem. They also have good mental and emotional health, do well academically, and are socially well-adjusted.
Authoritative parents balance clear communication and warmth with firm boundaries. They offer nurturing environments, support, and love, and also take their children’s feelings into account. They’re very big on transparency and are responsive to their kids, but also set high demands for acceptable behavior.
In contrast, authoritarian parents are incredibly strict at home, but they don’t communicate openly with their children. They also often don’t take their kids’ thoughts and feelings into account and generally appeal to their own authority to make them behave a certain way. Kids who grow under the shadow of authoritarians are usually anxious, lack initiative, or may rebel.
Permissive parents, on the other hand, see their children more as friends, so they tend to set few boundaries or rules at home. Meanwhile, uninvolved parents are barely present in their children’s lives, meaning there’s very little warmth or structure at home.
Ryan-Kadem has a significant following online. On TikTok alone, 230.1k people follow his account, and his videos have amassed a whopping 4.3m likes. This particular video about negative reinforcement that we’re featuring today got 1.6m views and over 235.6k likes.
The dad also has 484k followers on Instagram. Through his videos, he helps people overcome their parenting struggles by employing effective communication. He’s also a proponent of leadership parenting, through which he hopes to “eliminate the lack of authority and poor discipline,” according to his bio.
What are your thoughts on all of this, dear Pandas? Have you ever tried negative reinforcement? What parenting style is your go-to approach? How do you tackle situations where your kids, family, or friends are dreadfully afraid of something? We’d love to hear from you! Share your thoughts below.
Here’s what some internet users had to say after they listened to the dad’s parenting advice
