Back in the Nineties, I was accused of being a narcissist. Blindly myopic and self-obsessed. Thirty years later there is still no greater insult than to be called a narcissist in the cultural world. I’ve always used my life and myself as subject matter. I have never painted pictures, only emotions. If my art were tears then I’ve painted a million tsunamis.
My world since I can remember has been wrapped up with sadness and fear.
As depressing as it may seem, that has been my truth. Living under the shadow, even when I’m happy I’m conscious and ready for the ground to crack beneath me. So I continue to write with trepidation.
MY LIFE IS SO FUCKING BRILLIANT RIGHT NOW.
Life is good because ART is good. Art is an entity in my world like a spirit that stays by my side. Right now it’s strong and clear and forceful.
I’m very lucky being an artist. In some ways I’ve had to fight for it, in others I haven’t.
I have never done anything else. I started my degree at 20, only because I never had the qualifications but once there, there was nothing stopping me. I made the most of every second, every moment, because art was all I ever wanted. My passion for art is still suffocating for others and all absorbing.
It has and always will be my priority and this week something pretty wonderful happened.
My gallerist Jay Jopling just opened White Cube New York. Jay and I have worked together for 30 years. It’s been like a marriage of sorts.
Thirty years is a long time to work with anyone and in the art world almost unheard of.
Jay and I have pushed and pulled each other all the way.
I think the longest we didn’t talk to each other was for two months. I have to admit I have screamed and shouted at him about a hundred million times. I’m pleased to say I’m over my teenage phase.
I would take lots of frustration out on Jay and like a gentleman he would take it. He always believed in me as an artist, even when I was at my worst. He has always supported me and I have him. I’ve always stayed loyal; even when tempted I’ve never left.
The art world is a very complex place, especially America where I consider myself to have almost zero career. I’m like one of those pop stars that never made it across the pond.
My attitude and my work have never been very American or fitted in that well politically.
Power in America is very white, very male, and everything is about the deal. It’s much the same in the art world or has been.
Now things are changing, they have to, no-one who is culturally sound will align themselves with the American Right. The American art world is finally welcoming diversity.
There is even room for women like me. I always say for anyone who doesn’t think my work is political, just see what happens when I do a show on abortion in Texas.
When I was young in my twenties, I never wanted to go to America or show in America. I wouldn’t even drink Coca Cola. I was a pompous little twit and thought everything American got in the way of my spiritual beliefs.
Then when I did show in America it was all wrong, it never suited me.
I always say to students, a gallery should be your mirror, to feel good you must like what you see.
Next month my show opens at White Cube New York, it’s up town on Madison Avenue. It’s a truly beautiful, unusual, sweet building, the gallery space is perfect. It’s made for me to show in. I have never been so excited about a show.
The title is LOVERS GRAVE. I’ve been more honest and more brave and open with myself than ever before. Giant paintings covered in an emotional tsunami of love, desire, lust and despair.
This show is me as I am now, how I feel now. Who I am now. This show is my mirror.
Lovers Grave opens November 4, White Cube New York.
See you there.
Tracey Emin is an artist.
