We’re officially in a cost-of-sex crisis. There is nothing more bleak than the time of the month when Pret bags give way to couscous-filled Tupperwares. In this desperate, pre-pay day state we reach for life’s great pleasures, and many find consolation in the fact a good-old fashioned romp still costs you nothing. Except, of course, it does. Unless you live with a partner, or are secretly sleeping with your flatmate, getting it off requires more than one splurge. Now, the spending has caught up and the one-night stand is under threat.
Take the critically endangered faux date night. You know, when you’ve met up with someone for solely physical purposes, and yet there you are: trudging valiantly through a rioja, overpriced tapas and cheerless small talk spurred only by the false pretence that having finished in the bedroom, you will feel that little bit more respectable. Well, rising bills (and cost of rents, gym memberships, haircuts, T-shirts, ketchup, etc) have put a stop to that extravagance.
And what of the drunken, post club-night fling? Fridays were once reserved for decanting Charlotte Tilbury palettes on faces or drenching oneself in Oud, before allowing Apple Pay to march you down Clapham High Street or Kingsland Road in the naive quest for a lover. It is simply too expensive to get to the level of woozy required to fall into someone’s car home today.
It’s getting tougher out there: as the months get colder, a cost-of-living bunkering partner will be an essential
So what, then; are London’s singles just going to fall asleep alone? I’ll see that one to believe it. Instead, we’ve entered the era of the cheap (and not so chic) shag.
A few messages on a group chat of my single, 20-something, £28K-starting- salary friends, revealed an adapted game plan: reduce, reuse, recycle. It’s the cost-efficient strategy for dalliances that Gen-Z has long been force-fed on. In other words, remember Tom, Dick or Harry from six months ago? Perfectly serviceable, wasn’t he? Save yourself the debilitating G&T bill finding a new model, and just get him around again.
The clocks have turned back on go-time, too. Unless you’ve bagged yourself a cyclist or member of the KPMG/PwC set who can parade themselves about town in a taxi, it’s public transport or nothing. Best believe the “here” text will come not long after 6pm, and you will be waving them off to the bus by 10pm. This has had ripple effects in itself. While a good body, passable face and enough hand-eye-coordination to book an Uber would have secured most of my group an adult sleepover after heavy nights of old, now potential suitors must bear to be around you sober, at a sociable hour. It means an updated set of requirements: 7/10 minimum on looks, non-offensive politics, and preferably a hint of a sense of humour.
This all translates simply to: it’s getting tougher out there. Cuffing season is fast approaching and the stakes are greater than ever. Best believe as the months get colder, a cost of living bunkering partner will be an essential — most of my bit of town have started lining theirs up now. So, re-download the apps, ask to be connected to mutual friends, even slide into the DMs tonight, before all the good ones are gone. Anything to take your mind off the Tupperware.
Maya Jama, the one that got away
Let’s all take a moment to appreciate the fizzy bundle of joy that was Stormzy on Hydra over the weekend, grinning as he held hands with the one that got away: Maya Jama. It’s about bloody time.
The Love Island presenter and British Vogue cover girl must finally have watched his 2022 Louis Theroux Interviews documentary which (while pretending to be about his latest album release) was, for all intents and purposes, a 44-minute plea for Jama to come back. I was about to try to ring her up, it was so painful to listen to him coo: “My ideal, amazing future is having my home, and kids running round it and my missus there.”
Thank God we have a couple to root for again. Between William and Kate ferrying Prince Andrew about, and the Beckhams hosting random A-listers on a football pitch in Miami, our power pairings have waned, to put it politely. Stormzy has proved that patience is king — pray it’s enough to keep Leo DiCaprio away.
