Christmas is a time for peace and harmony. Or so it used to be until the bloody woke brigade started infuriating us good British proper people and making us all turn purple with rage while we sit drunk the corner, paper crown askew, murderously munching a chocolate orange like it’s an apple.
Here’s what will drive you most mad this Christmas, thanks to the wokies.
1. Quality Street wrappers
What the bleedin’ heck is going on here then? Flippin’ sustainable wrappers? What was wrong with the silver foil versions? Proper wrappers. Shiny wrappers you could screw up into little balls and chuck at your nan. And now this? These waxy, dull characterless recyclable wrappers that look like funeral shrouds for chocolate. And are. Chocolates are now dead. So is Christmas! Well done Nestle, you’ve ruined your good reputation. I tell you what this is, it’s woke gone bleedin’ bloody mad!
2. 0% beer
You what? Are you effin’ jokin’? 0% — or even less than that, 0.0%! Beer with no alcohol in it?
No, no, no it’s all wrong. This new generation are ruining everything. It used to be that Christmas Day meant boozing from 7am, ruining lunch because you’re so legless, and reeling around the house trying to find a toilet to be sick in by 2pm.
Thanks to the woke brigade, it’s about morning jogs and meditation breaks
Now, thanks to the woke brigade, it’s about morning jogs, meditation breaks, journaling your conflicting feelings about consumerism, showing “gratitude” not for your presents but for life on planet earth. And to top it all off, even the drink won’t get you drunk.
Woke madness.
3. Dr Who is black and gay
What? Are you…? Are you kidding?
You sit down to watch Christmas Day telly and it’s not enough that Top of the Pops isn’t even on anymore thanks to all those streaming wokies, but when you gather for the once-yearly watch of Doctor Who… he’s now black and gay.
Everyone knows that Doctor Who is a white straight patriot from the planet Britain. Those are facts. How can he even fight the Cybermen if he’s too busy checking out their robot rumps? No, no, no, this has gone far too far.
4. Turkey crowns
It’s all turkey crown this, turkey crown that, these days. What even is it? Some weak invention by people too scared to cook, that’s what.
Brine your turkey in a bucket, stick it in the oven for 17 hours, and gnaw on the charred remains
A proper turkey is what you want. With legs, wings, and a big pair of British giblets. Brine it in a bucket, stick it in the oven for 17 hours, and gnaw on the charred remains.
Who wants their turkey moist and flavourful? Scorch that sucker till the flesh is so tough it takes you ten minutes to get through every bite. Everyone’s jaws are too limp to handle it nowadays. Gen Z can’t chew. Or rather, won’t. Spoilt, entitled little brats.
5. No Great Escape
Back in the good old days, when there were three channels, there would only be one film shown on Christmas Day. And that film was The Great Escape.
It was on all day, saw you through the entire post-lunch slump and well into the evening, only interrupted by The Queen’s Speech (God rest her soul), and by the time it was over you were so drunk you couldn’t remember half of it. So in fact no-one ever knows exactly who escapes or who dies.
Now? Well, it’s all woke films isn’t it, like Toy Story or Inside/Out or something with Emma Corrin in.
It’s not right! And even if you do find The Great Escape on Amazon and decide to spend £2.99 on it, will anyone watch it with you? No they won’t. Too busy on their iPads or recycling wrapping paper. What this lot need is another war and some national service, thank you very much.
6. Recyclable wrapping paper
What’s all this brown crap? Wrapping paper should be as shiny as Quality Street wrappers used to be, and you should go through rolls and rolls of it, wrapping up all the plastic toys you’ve bought for your kids to play with for five minutes before they go to landfill.
Brown wrapping paper? So everything looks the same?
Brown wrapping paper? So everything looks the same? Just because you think it’ll save the planet? You are having a big old laugh aren’t you?
People are even wrapping presents in cloths or wax paper…like peasants or Satanists.
7. “Near naked” Christmas trees
Bloody woke Victoria Beckham is not content with stopping David Beckham playing for England – as memory serves – but now she’s started on this undecorated tree malarkey, and suddenly everyone is going minimalist with the decorations.
Christmas trees should be so decorated with tinsel (which incidentally, is probably “unethical” or a “fire hazard” now) and baubles (”choking hazards”) that you can’t even see the tree itself.
But of no, now it’s about restraint. Listen, love, if you’ve brought a tree in your house, make in Christmassy, otherwise all you’ve done a stick a dead plant in your living room, darlin’.
8. “Quality” cracker gifts
Nowadays you pull a cracker and what comes out? Not a little plastic moustache to entertain the grandkids, or plastic frog to pe-doing into the gravy or a mini kazoo to play Shakin’ Stevens on.
Why on God’s green earth would I want a napkin ring from my cracker?
No, now it’s all “quality” metal gifts. Why on God’s green earth would I want a napkin ring from my cracker? The napkins are already heavily soiled by that point.
As for all these ethical compostable crackers with bird seed gifts inside… just get out of my country, my grandad didn’t fight for Britain so you could sit there spouting your own self-involved nonsense, you woke Gen-Z little turds.
9. Loony leftie politics
Oh here we go, that didn’t take long did it? I haven’t even put one Brussels sprout in my pie-hole and already the woke brigade have started in on Palestine and trans and now bloody Syria and Trump and all the rest of it.
And then I’m the one that gets shouted at when I point out that what we need in this country is a good strong leader like Putin, or Hitler, who had some reasonable policies and was after all, a socialist was he not?
Well, you all started it with your left woke bollocks, what am I supposed to do? Say something reasonable? And if it wasn’t for the Empire you wouldn’t even have a Christmas, thank you very much and goodnight. I’ll go eat dinner on my own. Sorry... for being a white male.
Martin Robinson is a London Standard writer
