As the various politicians set out their plans for London, it strikes me how easily a party could get our votes if only they thought a bit more creatively about what we actually want from life. We late-capitalist, neoliberal London types are pretty transactional after all, in it for ourselves and open to a bit of harmless bribery.
Frankly, everything the parties are offering sounds exactly the same and although it all seems fine, if a bit blah, there’s also the meta narrative of can we trust any of them to deliver things they’ve been saying they’ll do for years? We all know the answer to that.
What they need to do is think smaller and offer simpler, more easily deliverable policies that would spark joy in London. First and foremost: we need lidos in every borough. There are only 14 lidos in London and this is a crying shame. Londoners love frolicking in lidos and that’s a fact. Keep them open all year round and we’ll all be happier, healthier and more compliant.
Bring in £1,000 fines for anyone ill-mannered enough to listen to videos on their phones with no headphones
Ban all 4x4s or charge people thousands to drive them in London. Make all 4x4 drivers wear a badge that says ‘I’m a gas-guzzling selfish t**t’. This would go down a treat. Votes would pour in, I guarantee it.
Round up all those moped-powered phone thieves and make them do years of community service. We need to be able to stare constantly at our phones wherever we go. It’s annoying to have to worry about doing this.
Introduce two different lanes on pavements for slow and fast walkers.
We also need raised cycle lanes on every road so it’s safer to ride a bike.
Get rid of all Caffè Concertos.
Abolish cars in Soho. And every borough needs an open-air cinema showing art house classics run by donation.
Let’s get rid of those pianos for the talentless at St Pancras. London is loud enough without adding to the din of it all.
We need gig venues on every high street. Let’s make British pop music great again. We don’t need to debase ourselves constantly by only listening to you know who.
Cap coffee prices. With immediate effect.
Bring in rent controls so that no landlord can charge more than double their mortgage in rent.
Make London attractive to young people again by making everything discounted by 25 per cent for anyone under 30.
Bring in £1,000 fines for anyone ill-mannered enough to listen to videos on their phones on loudspeaker with no headphones. This is end-of-days behaviour and must be strongly discouraged.
Stop those giant tourists with bags the size of killer whales from travelling into London from Heathrow on the Elizabeth line in rush hour (seriously, stop them).
Give all homeless people card readers.
London residents should get preferential treatment when booking theatre and gigs.
Should Londoners pay for transport? No.
All art galleries need to be open in the evenings.
We need a four-day week in June, July and August… obvs. A floating bank holiday to be used whenever the first 30 degrees hits.
Politicians, you have my word that these are the policies that will move the dial.
Do you have any other ideas for my manifesto for London? Post them in the comments below.
I know the risks of a super-majority all too well
Ever since I had the temerity to write a column saying I don’t like Taylor Swift’s music, I have been trolled to the depths of hell in a handcart and back again.
My Instagram is a sea of vomit emojis and poorly spelt notes from bots, or people, it’s hard to tell, telling me they wish me ill. I see this as a concerning portent of what happens when people are given a super-majority. Mass genuflection to total mediocrity. Any dissenter trolled to within an inch of their lives.
At first I tried to delete the messages on my Instagram, but it’s like waving a feather in an attempt to shake off an avalanche.
I can now see our major-itarianist future where there’s no room for opposition, it’s easier just to bow to the brutish majority and the only sensible option is total obedience.
Reader, it’s frightening.
