Christmas dinner. Just as you can be sure somebody, somewhere will always tweet a picture of a bread roll while asking their followers, “what do you call this?”, rest assured another will pipe up with a view on serving up Yorkshire puddings on the big day.
These conversations are cyclical. A recent big-hitter? Americans who think that all “Chinese” cuisine in Britain is chips, curry sauce and fried chicken balls. The inspired among us have always discussed cream teas and whether cream or jam should be applied first. Social media, what a hoot.
The festive season grants exciting people a platform to really flex their debating muscles. So here are the “rules” of dining on December 25. It’s about etiquette and all of them are absolute gospel. Clearly.
1. Peas
Don’t serve peas at Christmas. They’re not seasonal, and they’re too small. Christmas is a time when food should be big.
2. Gravy
Gravy shouldn’t be thin, but it shouldn’t be too thick either. Gravy must be exactly right, actually, the consistency of Baileys. And no Bisto here. You want it to have the ability to coat roast potatoes as spilled oil would an unfortunate seagull.
3. Yorkshire puddings
Serving Yorkshire puddings at Christmas is culinary abuse. First, batter puddings are only intended for beef. Some ignore this on a standard Sunday but to do so on Jesus’ birthday is unpatriotic.
4. Pigs-in-blankets
Recently, some cooks have decided to serve pigs-in-blankets long. That is to say, they wrap whole chipolatas in bacon and serve them as is, rather than crafting little miniature cocktail numbers. This is dangerous progressivism. Tradition must be upheld.
5. Fat
Curiously enough, some people have taken to forgoing duck or goose fat on their roasties, instead using butter and oil, or even just oil alone. This won’t do. The whole point of Christmas dinner is to celebrate the death of vast swathes of the world's avian population.
6. Ham
It has come to my attention that innumerable households only serve turkey, instead of the classic turkey-ham combination. Why? It doesn’t matter about the so-called cost-of-living crisis, everyone should play their part and prepare both meats. Think of the orange glaze.
7. Starter
You’re not doing a starter? Even after all those smoked salmon blinis, Iberico truffle crisps, Perello olives and morsels of cave-aged cheddar? Bit weird. There should be a prawn cocktail and it should be majestic.
8. Stuffing
Word is, countless cooks have been creating stuffing balls using something called “stuffing mix.” Unbearably common and frankly outrageous. Stuffing must be as one, in a big tray, because everyone has space for that if they think properly about logistics.
9. Boxing Day
A true Boxing Day sandwich has a rulebook unto itself. Most important of all is the “gravy soaked bread.” Anyone caught not telling people at the village pub about theirs will be roundly punished.
10. Figgy pudding
It’s honestly ridiculous that you didn’t make your own for every day of the holidays.
11. Booze
The correct etiquette for the order of alcohol is as follows: champagne; some sort of festive cocktail with gin; white wine and then red wine; ports and brandies; a very peaty whisky; bed. Some might fancy two or three jagerbombs down the local after if they really want to honour Charles Dickens authentically. And remember to discuss wine choices and how good Lidl’s selection is with anyone who might listen.
12. Red cabbage
Those without an inexplicably large bowl of red cabbage in the fridge for days after Christmas lunch have got their ratios all wrong. People are supposed to make so much it sees them through to New Year’s Eve.
God, we used to be a proper country.
