Olivia Rodrigo does not want to hear about Uranus. Or your planned trip to Mars, for that matter. The pop star recently told Netflix that she has an “oddly specific question” that she asks guys on first dates. “I always ask them if they would want to go to space … If they say yes, I don’t date them,” Rodrigo explained. “I just think if you want to go to space, you’re a little too full of yourself.”
Amen to that. Obviously, if you’re an astronomer, a passion for space travel makes sense. But interplanetary adventures seem to have turned into the ultimate status symbol for obscenely rich individuals jaded by their ability to buy anything on Earth. Certain rocket ship enthusiasts also seem less interested in advancing science and more interested in having a wider territory to colonise and monetise.
Of course, Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk wouldn’t ever admit their space obsession is all about their gravity-defying egos. Instead, they pretend they want to conquer the universe for the good of humanity. Bezos has said he’d love to see a trillion humans living in space. “If we had a trillion humans, we would have at any given time a thousand Mozarts and a thousand Einsteins … Our solar system would be full of life and intelligence and energy.”
There are 8 billion people on Earth; our solar system is already full of life and intelligence and energy. Alas, so much of that intelligence will never have a chance to reach its potential. Who knows how many would-be Einsteins and Mozarts are being born in refugee camps in Gaza or being forced to work in cobalt mines in the Democratic Republic of the Congo?
Big Rocketship Energy isn’t the only red flag you should look out for when assessing future love interests. It’s important to align on the big issues (Should women have rights? Is ethnic cleansing bad?) but there are also some smaller things worth probing. So, in the interest of public service (and as an antidote to nonstop US politics), here are six oddly specific questions I recommend everyone ask when vetting potential suitors.
1. Do you wear outdoor shoes inside the house?
Make sure you’re wearing comfortable footwear when you ask this because if they answer “yes” then it’s time to get up and run. Perhaps you can cut them slack if you both live in the countryside but if, like me, you live somewhere as filthy as Philadelphia then your shoes are almost certainly tracking faecal matter and bin juice into your home.
2. Do you laugh during unfunny jokes in Shakespeare plays in order to signal how cultured you are?
Admittedly this is a difficult to question to ask – it’s something you need to observe. So head to the theatre and take note. Now, to be clear, I’m not saying Shakespeare can’t be funny. I’m just saying a lot of his jokes aren’t laugh-out-loud hilarious because it’s not the 1590s any more. Still, you’ll always find people laughing uproariously at an Elizabethan dick joke just to signal to everyone else that they know what a codpiece is. It’s a very Bard sign.
3. Do you believe the pun is the lowest form of wit?
Anyone who says “yes” is not to be trusted.
4. Do you try very hard not to split infinitives?
While I may just have had a go at being the joke police, I think we should defund the grammar police. Particularly those insufferable pedants who seem to think that English (alive and well) should be more like Latin (somewhat dead). Split your infinitives! Put your prepositions wherever you like!
5. Do you hang your toilet paper under or over?
Sounds trivial, but this is something that has the potential to irritate you several times a day if you have incompatible positions on this issue. (Over is superior, obviously.)
6. How do you plan to ensure that my dog likes you?
Forget space travel: there is no bigger red flag than your dog not liking your date or your date appearing to be indifferent to your dog. Despite an unfortunate incident involving my dog Rascal accidentally biting her head with his tiny chihuahua teeth, my now wife made a lot of effort with my canine companion. She didn’t even complain when I brought him along on our first weekend away. That’s when I knew it was fur-ever.
• Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist
Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.
