Even accounting for the fact that a scientific 51% of celebrity journalism is fan fiction, I am struck by a particularly hallucinogenic headline in the Sun. “OJ out to date Kris Jenner,” this reads , above a story suggesting that OJ Simpson has clear plans for courtship when he becomes eligible for parole next year. Specifically, he plans to woo hard-as-nails Kardashian materfamilias Kris Jenner. (Kris, you may recall, was first married to OJ defence team junior Robert Kardashian – a longtime friend of the former football star – before her union with Bruce Jenner-as-was, or Caitlyn Jenner as now is.)
The source of this bonkers allegation is author Ian Halperin, whose last work was the hearse-chasing Whitney and Bobbi Kristina, and who clearly has a strong line of communication into Nevada’s Lovelock Correctional Centre, where OJ currently resides.
“OJ has had a crush on Kris forever,” Ian declares. “He believes that he is the man for her, and intends to pursue her when he gets out of prison. There is definitely a long history there.” Which is, I suppose, one way of alluding to the fact he slashed her best friend to death.
Still, if the plan to use that piece of common ground as the basis for a new love affair goes tits up, Ian says the Juice has got another idea in his locker. “OJ is obsessed with Caitlyn,” he explains breezily of Kris’s ex-husband. “He is struck by how she has captured the hearts of the world and said with a straight face: ‘When I get out of here I would consider dating her, too.’”
That, for my tastes, would be the preferred pairing – but the truth is, I’m not fussy. Either OJ-and-Kris or OJ-and-Caitlyn would give me Stendhal syndrome. Ian continues: “He feels his only chance to get back on TV – which is his dream – is to hook up with his old ‘family’.”
Well. I think OJ does himself down – these days he could easily secure a deal to headline a major reality series all on his own. But his mesmerised focus on the Kardashians does reflect the peculiar power dynamics his trial set in train.
Certainly, the dramatic irony of the rise of the Kardashian clan offered a crucial dimension to sledgehammer-touched TV series The People v OJ Simpson, which concluded on British screens last Monday. Cold take? With the possible exception of David Miliband, there has never been anyone wetter seen on telly than Robert Kardashian, at least as portrayed by David Schwimmer. He made Ross from Friends look like Robocop. So scene-stealingy drippy was he that it was impossible to watch any scene in which he was part of the backdrop without finding oneself wondering: “Where is Robert now? How much of a wimp is he being NOW?”
Which brings me on to his perplexing Armenian heritage. Armenians being, by pop culture repute, the hardest people ever to stalk the earth, Lost in Showbiz cannot help but wonder where all Robert’s Armenian went? The only reasonable answer is that Kris – clearly a succubus – siphoned it out of him during nightly sex heists during their marriage, and from thence all her vast, early 21st century power is drawn. Is Kris so single-minded in her pursuit of event-horizon plotlines for her cultural empire that she’d consider at least a staged pap shot of a notional “clear the air” dinner with OJ? Only time will show, but the form book suggests you’d be most unwise to rule it out.
Lindsay Lohan’s spiritual quest leads her, now, to Mecca
Tenterhooks time for Islam, as Lindsay Lohan is reported to be “exploring” it. Whether the centuries-old faith will land Lohan’s coveted adherence is unclear – as her publicist says: “Lindsay is a very spiritual person and is open to exploring all religions and beliefs.”
So the right offer from Shintoism could still swing it. Even so, Lindsay was spotted carrying the Qu’ran in public as long ago as last May. Has she finished it? “I’m not done reading it,” she reveals this week. “Do you know how long that would take?”
Either way, Lindsay is careful not to drop any plot spoilers. What she will offer is a lecture in comparative theology. “We all believe in something and at the end of the day, it all ties to a god or a spiritual advisor,” she says. Does it? “We all have a similar belief in whatever it may be personally.”
Whether these epistemological theories will commend her to other Islam scholars is unclear – as is the possibly prejudicial nature of Lindsay’s former status within the LA chapter of the Kabbalah church. Raised a Catholic, furthermore, Lindsay has denied being sourced as a bride for Tom Cruise by the Church of Scientology – or rather, denied being a source of the Vanity Fair story that stated this as fact. All that can be said without doubt is that her religious tastes have been catholic until this point, and Mecca is advised not to count its chickens just yet.
