Why do we trigger warn before speaking about pregnancy loss, but not before announcing a healthy pregnancy, which could be more triggering for many?
This week, a glowing Rihanna proudly announced her pregnancy with her boyfriend A$AP Rocky, sending the internet into a delicious meme heaven.
We’ll often see internet posts from friends or family announcing they’re expecting, with a picture of their 12 week scan.
READ MORE: Outrageous things said to people who don't have children
Some even add a personalised t-shirt or wooden sign to upgrade the post to more superior content. While everyone is thrilled that you’re bringing a smaller, more sassy version of you into the world, there will be many people (often less vocal on the internet) who find these announcements extremely painful.
Recently released statistics confirm how half of women age 30 don’t yet have children. And while some have very valid reasons to simply not want them, many are desperate to conceive. Enduring unbearable sadness and enormous pain, trying to pursue their overwhelming urge to become parents.
There is far more depth and colour to the journey of parenthood, than people reveal on social media. Many of us are enormously grateful to the women (and men) who share stories about their more difficult and often heart-breaking journey. These are just some of the struggles people experience while trying to conceive:
IVF
Following a period of trying to conceive unsuccessfully, In vitro fertilisation (IVF) is one of several options available to help people with fertility issues. During IVF, an egg is removed from the woman's ovaries and fertilised with sperm in a laboratory. The fertilised egg (embryo) is then returned to the woman's womb to grow and develop.
IVF is more likely to be successful for younger women. In 2019, the percentage of IVF treatments that resulted in a live birth was 32% for women under 35, steadily reducing to 4% for women aged over 44.
Jade, a 31 year old flight attendant and fertility advocate who runs @themindsetmumma on Instagram speaks openly about finding the balance between speaking openly about her infertility and sounding miserable all the time.
“We [people struggling with infertility] are always going to be triggered by social media. The best thing we can do for ourselves and to protect our own energy and inner peace is do as much self care and give ourselves as much self love as humanly possible, so that it helps us build up a more resilient barrier. Of course we’re always going to see pregnancy posts that stir feelings within us. But we need to ensure we have the tools to recognise why this is and set steps in place to bring us back and make us feel better. To make life easier and feel nicer for us, rather than feeling jealousy, anger, resentment and bitterness.
“We all have the right to post what’s import to us. But misery does love company, and that’s why we’ve been able to build these incredible Trying To Conceive communities online. Where together we can embrace this and we don’t have to be serious and sad all the time. We can learn a lot from each other and find comfort in the humour of it.”
“Infertility was very must attached to shame, but now, because we talk about it openly women and men are starting to embrace their journeys even more. We can laugh about the funny stuff in infertility. A lot of it is harrowing painful and distressful, but we can bring light to the funnier stuff too, to find more joy in my journey. Who says it has to be 100% miserable all the time?”
Miscarriage
One in eight pregnancies sadly end in miscarriage. One in 100 women will suffer recurrent miscarriages, loving and losing three or more babies in a row. It's heart-breaking to think about a women sitting next to you on the train, standing in the queue at the supermarket or sitting at their desk in work, waiting for their loss to pass.
Comedian Katherine Ryan spoke openly about having to go straight to work and appear on a TV show, after finding out that her baby had no heartbeat at a scan.
Katherine, who’s always happy to tell everybody everything, spoke on Instagram and on her podcast about taking steroids and blood thinner injections as part of Dr Shehata’s ground-breaking miscarriage treatment. Following two miscarriages in quick succession, Katherine gave birth to baby Fred in June 2021, having kept her pregnancy a secret until two weeks before his arrival.
Pre-term delivery and Stillbirth
In October 2020, American model Chrissy Teigen shared photographs and details on Instagram of her harrowing loss of son Jack when she was 20 weeks pregnant. Chrissy shared an image of her crying on a hospital bed and received a scolding backlash, in and amongst the heartfelt sympathy and well wishes. Chrissy later wrote about the experience in detail, declaring she didn’t care what people thought she should and shouldn’t post and saying the pictures were for the people 'who needed to see them'.
It’s clear from Chrissy’s story that some people wholeheartedly believe that some parts of life should be kept private. But it’s unhelpful and disproportionate to portray only the glory of pregnancy online, given that so many couples are struggling.
Sharing the pain of pregnancy loss isn’t an act of rebellion, it's integral to raising awareness to the reality that lots of couples are living.
Adoption
Tom, an adoptive gay dad of one, runs @unlikelydad on Instagram where he shares adorable and informative content about he and his husband's journey to become parents.
Tom goes into detail about the entire journey, from deciding they were ready to start a family, meetings with their social worker, panels and the day they first met their beautiful son, Kai. Tom offers tips on how to support your friends who are currently navigating the adoption process and information about the process as a whole, as well as their in-depth and heart-warming personal journey.
We should commend all survivors of difficult journeys and unbearable loss who share their stories online. Not solely because so many others will find comfort in them, but so that we can join in their grief, share their pain and offer comfort, support and celebration where possible.
Endometriosis
One in 10 women of child bearing age suffer from endometriosis, which can reduce fertility by 30 to 50 per cent. It's a painful condition where cells similar to the ones in the lining of the womb (uterus) grow in other places, such as the ovaries and fallopian tubes.
One of the main complications is difficulty getting pregnant or not being able to get pregnant at all.
Get the top stories straight to your inbox by signing up for one of our free newsletters
