A male domestic abuse victim has revealed how he considered ending his life at times in a bid to escape the abuse he suffered at the hands of his former partner.
Barry – not his real name – faced emotional, mental, coercive and financial abuse during their seven-year relationship.
He was speaking ahead of the first-ever male domestic abuse conference, which is taking place in Belfast today in a bid to break down the prevalence of domestic abuse among men here and highlight the lack of funding to support victims equitably.
Read more: Thousands of children exposed to domestic abuse in just over two years in NI
The inaugural Men’s Advisory Project NI event will cover everything from coercive control to hidden victims and unveil statistics showing that 32% of domestic abuse crime happens to men.
Barry, 47, told Belfast Live: "I met my ex-partner around 2015 and everything was great at the start. We were able to have conversations and debates and I thought I'd finally found someone who gets and understands me.
"After about a year, I noticed he was trying to coerce me into who I should be voting for and trying to change my opinions on things. When I talked to him about it, he said it was only a suggestion rather than him telling me what to do.
"Two years into the relationship, we bought a flat together and I was made to sign an agreement drawn up by a solicitor where everything was split in half in terms of the mortgage and bills, even though he was earning more than twice what I was at the time.
"I ended up getting into debt trying to pay the bills and live the lifestyle he wanted, such as constant trips over to England to visit his family. He got free flights over and back through his work and said he'd pay for half of mine but he never did.
"I found myself getting more and more into debt and he would use that against me so that's where the financial control came in. He would get on to me about spending money on birthday or Christmas presents for my family or clothes for myself - yet it was OK for me to spend money on him or his family."
Barry added: "I never knew the term gaslighting until I spoke to a friend who lived in the same building as us about what he was doing and saying.
"He always had to be right no matter what the conversation or subject was so from then on I never felt supported compared with when we first met."
The couple ended up getting engaged but Barry says things came to a head during the Covid pandemic.
"I had been living and working in England and he would come over to visit me every weekend. He became a completely different person and I fell in love with him all over again.
"When my mum took ill in late 2020, I decided to move back home to Northern Ireland to be closer and more supportive," he recalled.
"It also meant coming back to him but we were getting on brilliantly again by that point. Three weeks after coming home I got Covid and was really sick. I couldn't get out of bed at all and he looked after me.
"A couple of times during that period he really lost it with me and started shouting. That was a real awakening me and I thought if this is what it's like when I'm sick or took really ill in the future, then he's the last person I'd want by my side."
At the start of 2021, Barry realised he needed to escape the relationship. He was supported by the Housing Executive who referred him to the Men’s Advisory Project (MAP), the leading specialist charity here supporting male victims of domestic abuse, where he received one-to-one specialist emotional support and counselling.
The Men’s Advisory Project NI provides confidential information, counselling and emotional support. It can also signpost male victims of domestic abuse to other organisations that can help with related issues such as medical, housing, legal and financial problems.
"I received amazing support - they listened to me, understood what I was going through and made me feel validated. When they said to me that what I had been experiencing was domestic abuse, I was quite shocked," Barry added.
"I had regarded him as masochistic and controlling and I was left wondering how I had let this happen to me. I really do believe that the help I received from MAP saved my life.
"I did face some really dark times when I felt like I didn't want to be here anymore so that I wouldn't have to go back to him.
"I would urge anyone who finds themselves in that situation to get help and tell people what's happening. Even though it's two years now since I left the relationship, I do feel quite emotional about it all and at times I mourn the life we had together when times were good.
"But when I think about how I felt in the relationship when we were living together, I'm so relieved to be away from it now."
Today's “Examining the experiences of men who face domestic abuse in NI” event will also lay bare the often concealed domestic abuse statistics solely related to men that aren’t readily accessible to the public.
Among those figures is the fact that one in three victims of domestic abuse here are men while five out of nine victims of domestic homicide recently were male.
The conference will be attended by over 100 professionals from the health and social care industries, the Ministry of Defence, Probation Board Northern Ireland, the Public Prosecution Service and those professionals who work with and refer victims of male domestic abuse to the Men’s Advisory Project.
One of the conference’s objectives will be to “reframe how we think” about male domestic violence as well as disclose the latter figures.
Guests will hear from a range of speakers including Rhonda Lusty, CEO, Men’s Advisory Project NI; Dr Maz Idriss, an expert on honour-based abuse and forced marriage and Dr Elizabeth Bates, a leading researcher on the experiences of men experiencing domestic abuse, violence and control.
Also addressing the event will be Dr Anne Marks, an independent Domestic Homicide Review Chair (DHR) who has presided over reviews into cases where men have lost their lives to domestic abuse in Northern Ireland.
Rhonda Lusty, CEO of Men’s Advisory Project NI (MAP NI), said: “We are pleased to host the inaugural Men’s Advisory Project NI conference which we hope will kickstart a profound shift in how we think and what we know about male domestic violence.
“MAP NI has been operating for 25 years supporting victims, yet there is still a collective unawareness of how prevalent male domestic abuse is.
“For example, whilst we quote PSNI statistics, the PSNI were made aware of just under half of all ‘worst’ cases of domestic abuse (45.7%) in the past year, meaning they were unaware of the experiences of just over half of victims (54.3%).
“When you consider that male victims are more reluctant to report domestic abuse incidents, it tells us there are a lot more men that need our support than those we are currently helping.”
Ms Lusty added: “The Men’s Advisory Project NI is the only specialist domestic abuse agency supporting any male victim of domestic abuse, offering confidential 1-2-1 and therapeutic support across Northern Ireland.
“We work closely with the PSNI which makes direct referrals to the charity every day, yet we remain in a position of sourcing 100% of our own funding.
“That funding goes towards confidential counselling and support, advocating for male victims at all levels of government, cooperating with other agencies, promoting research and encouraging perpetrators of domestic violence, male or female to get support, effectively creating a more harmonious society.
“We hope this conference will confront our wide-ranging array of objectives head-on and allow us to continue the work we’ve carried out over the past 25 years.”
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