Anyone who has ever had to come out as part of the LGBTQ+ community will know how difficult it can be. You wait, with bated breath, for the reaction of whoever you just told your truth to. But for someone who is coming out after becoming a mum, there is one thing almost everyone is sure to ask, ‘I thought you had a son?’
That’s what someone said to Rachel*, when she came out to them. She has a three-year-old son, whose dad she was once in a relationship with, but 13 months ago she came out as a gay woman. Some people struggle to believe that both can be true at the same time, but for Rachel, it’s how her life looks.
She wouldn’t have it any other way. As we sit down to talk abut the difficulties of coming out as a mum, her girlfriend Erin* is looking after her son James*, and their laughter as they sing nursery rhymes and dance around almost makes you forget the struggle Rachel has had to get here today. The struggle to share her truth, to come out after becoming a mum.
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The mum shares that her son played a key part in her accepting that she wasn’t straight, and in her coming out to people soon after.
She explains: “How could I tell James, ‘You have to always be yourself,’ if I wasn’t doing that? I couldn’t be a hypocritical parent, so as soon as I had the thought [that I might be gay], I had to act on it.”
Rachel changed the settings on her dating profile to show women, and soon after seeing someone for a while, she came out to her immediate family, just a few short months after coming to terms with her sexuality herself.
She says that this, too, happened because of her wanting to show her son that you should be true to yourself.
"I wonder sometimes, if I didn’t have James, if I would ever have come out,” she tells Belfast Live. And it’s clear that, for Rachel, her son was the reason behind her coming out. But, he was also the reason why it was so complicated.
“James does have an impact [on people’s reactions], I think. Nobody wants to risk their relationship with me because that would also mean risking their relationship with him. If people aren’t accepting of me and who I am, then that’s someone I don’t want around my child, and I think people knew that.
“He kind of became weaponised without me ever intending for that to happen, and so I didn’t get many bad reactions,” says Rachel. Although she adds that, for some people, they struggle to understand how she had several long-term relationships with men, and even a son, but has since come out.
“I do get questions from people, like, ‘Do you ever think you would go back [to dating men]?’ But this isn’t something that I just decided, or a phase I’m going through,” added Rachel. And it’s easy to see that having a son means she is facing some stereotypes about sexuality more often than most.
While it’s not a choice, Rachel said she does allow room for her sexuality to change in the future, but can’t see herself being with a man once more.
“Because I’m in a relationship, I’m not thinking of a future where I would be with another man or another woman, but looking back [on past relationships], I’m not sure that I ever was able to emotionally connect with a man.
“I think that was because of my sexuality, and I maybe wasn’t fully invested in my previous relationships with men because of that,” she shares and admits that her coming out has probably affected her relationship with James’ father, Jack* the most.
“I think he took it as a hit on his masculinity, and we didn’t speak for a few months at the start. I came out quite publicly on my social media, so I think his friends knew and were giving him a lot of stick for it, saying that he turned me gay and things like that.
“Then it flipped almost overnight. He texted me to say he really appreciates and supports me, and it’s been mostly good since. I mean, there are always challenges with co-parenting, but [my sexuality] isn’t an issue anymore.”
Rachel admits she’s not sure what helped change Jack’s feelings on it, but she’s glad that it happened so that they can both focus on James again. She can see how her sexuality affects more than just her, though, and it’s made her worry about what that might mean for James.
“You always hope your child will have a normal upbringing, and instead he’s probably going to have three mums and a dad down the line. And while I think he’ll be the luckiest boy alive to be loved so much by so many people, I do know he might face difficulties for not fitting into the societal norms.”
(*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.)
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