From 70 burgers being cooked well-done in the Miami heat, to fourth-quarter comebacks in the land of the cheese, Week 3 did not disappoint. Now that all games have been played, these are the NFL power rankings from 32-1 heading into Week 4.
32. Denver Broncos
The Broncos will open up the 2024 USFL season against the Birmingham Stallions after being relegated following their performance against the Dolphins.
31. Chicago Bears
The offense stinks. The defense stinks. They are 0-3. The quarterback has lost all his confidence, and seemingly all of his playmaking ability. Other than that, how was the trip to Texas, Mrs. Kennedy?
30. New York Giants
This is what over $80 million in guarantees for Daniel Jones looks like. Enjoy your 12 points and being the 30th best team in the league, and good luck in the Caleb Williams sweepstakes.
29. Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals may not have many guys that worry you, nor do they field any superstar players, but they have 53 guys that play their asses off every week. How many more wins will they get? Probably not many, but credit where it’s due to their never-say-die group of misfits.
28. Carolina Panthers
The Andy Dalton barometer of judging quarterback play is alive and well. Carolina looked better, but the reins will go back to Bryce Young. This is a marathon for the Panthers, not a sprint.
27. Las Vegas Raiders
Weird. It’s almost like Jimmy Garoppolo was only good because he played in a perfect system with a perfect roster around him. Now he’s just Bruce Wayne without money.
26. Tennessee Titans
Good Lord the Titans have looked horrible through three weeks. If not for a gift wrapped win from Brandon Staley and the Chargers, they’d be 0-3 and pondering when to start Will Levis.
25. New York Jets
Bane coming out of the tunnel and collapsing the field in on itself would still be better than anything the Jets have shown this season.
24. Minnesota Vikings
You’re 0-3. The road doesn’t get easier. Kirk Cousins isn’t coming back next season- trade him to the Jets and try to get Caleb Williams.
23. Houston Texans
The Texans are this year’s Lions. They have a fun team full of guys who are easy to root for, and a head coach who all the players seem to rally around. At 1-2, and coming off a win over the Jaguars, Houston could surprise some people.
22. New Orleans Saints
The Saints tricked themselves into thinking they were a contender this offseason. Spoiler alert, they aren’t. Now with Derek Carr potentially missing time, and blowing a 17-point lead to the Packers, they look like the least impressive 2-1 team in the league.
21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Oh dear, those were the Bucs we all expected to see entering this season. Discombobulated offensively and lacking any sort of rhythm while the defense couldn’t get off the field.
20. Los Angeles Rams
Just a putrid performance from the Rams’ offensive line. Matthew Stafford was under pressure all night, and they didn’t convert a third down. The defense did all they could, but they weren’t given any help.
19. Atlanta Falcons
The boring as hell Falcons and their boring as hell offense got stumped by the fun as hell Lions. Atlanta and New Orleans both being 2-1 is proof that the real season doesn’t start until Thanksgiving.
18. Indianapolis Colts
Okay I changed my mind- the Colts are the Lions of 2023. Shane Steichen’s system is working wonders in Indy, and they just beat the Ravens on the road with Gardner Minshew at the helm. At 2-1, their defense is super fun and filled with underrated talent, and the offense is coming into its own.
17. Cleveland Browns
Here’s a funny stat for you- the Browns’ offense has allowed more touchdowns than their defense. Cleveland’s offense looked like it came out of its shell against Tennessee. We’ll see if that’s going to continue.
16. New England Patriots
Had the Patriots not played a Big East team on Sunday, they’d be 0-3. This putrid offense is enough to make you look forward to going to the DMV.
15. Washington Commanders
Well that was ugly, wasn’t it. The Commanders’ offense didn’t just come back down to Earth, they plummeted like D.B. Cooper out of a plane after a heist. They have their first of two matchups with the Eagles this coming weekend.
14. Pittsburgh Steelers
If the offense continues to look competent, Matt Canada will get promoted to President of the United States. A trip to Houston feels like the trappiest of trap games, though.
13. Los Angeles Chargers
I don’t have any justification for the Chargers being this high other than their quarterback is too good for me to ever quit him. They sure tried their hardest to lose to the Vikings, though.
12. Seattle Seahawks
Seattle has bounced back really well in the last two weeks after being humiliated by the Rams in Week 1. Granted, they beat a bad Panthers team led by Andy Dalton, but they took care of business in a game they should have won. 27 points to a team with a polaroid of Tim Biakabutuka starting at receiver is a problem, though.
11. Green Bay Packers
How about those Green Bay Packers. Jordan Love played very poor for three quarters, and then did his best impression of Aaron Rodgers by leading a huge comeback in the game’s waning minutes. Love may still be a work in progress, but he’s a baller, and the Packers look like a playoff contender in large part because of him.
10. Cincinnati Bengals
How about the Bengals’ defense? Trey Hendrickson and Sam Hubbard made life hell for Matthew Stafford, and Logan Wilson picked off two passes. The offense is still figuring things out with a gimpy golden boy at quarterback, but Ja’Marr Chase seems to have found his mojo.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars
Alright, it’s time to wake up, Duval. Trevor Lawrence made throws Sunday, but his receivers failed him. As did the Jaguars’ defense and special teams. They play the Falcons in Week 4- they better win, and do so convincingly.
8. Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens shot themselves in the foot over and over again against the Colts, and are already injured beyond belief (as I pointed out was my biggest worry about them entering the season). I won’t be shocked if they continue to slide down throughout the season.
7. Detroit Lions
The Fighting Knee Nibblers are back on track sit at 2-1 after three weeks, looking like a complete team in the process. Alsso, how about their draft picks? Jahmyr Gibbs, Jack Campbell, Sam LaPorta, Brian Branch- all of them can ball.
6. Dallas Cowboys
Hey Google, play “Not Meant to Be” by Theory of a Deadman. It truly is one step forward and two steps back, and no matter what they do, their fans are always mad and Dak Prescott can’t change their mind. Losing to a Cardinals team with a roster that would have been okay in 2019 doesn’t exactly help their causes. Now, Dallas doesn’t have to worry about turning around on a one-way street- they are still really good. The Chiefs lost to the Colts last season, the Bengals lost to the Jets in 2021- any given Sunday. Dallas is fine.
5. Philadelphia Eagles
The tush push lives on, and so does the Eagles’ unbeaten record. They do slip a few spots, though, just because the teams in front of them were so dominant. Also, this game ended in scoragami which is just the best.
4. Buffalo Bills
The Bills picked off Sam Howell again as you were reading this. What a statement game from Buffalo’s defense. Five takeaways and they didn’t allow Washington to get in the end zone. The Bills lead the league in interceptions, and they’ve been able to lean on that strong defense through the first three games.
3. Miami Dolphins
70 points. 7-0. 10 touchdowns. The Dolphins were playing Madden with all of the sliders turned down and just running all over Denver for *checks notes* 726 yards, good Lord. This team is as dangerous as any in the league.
2. Kansas City Chiefs
If I never hear the name “Taylor Swift” again, my life will be better because of it. Besides that, the Chiefs looked like their normal selves against the Bears. Mahomes made his normal handful of “Good God how did he do that?” throws. The defense was tremendous. Business as usual in Kansas City.
1. San Francisco 49ers
Even when Brock Purdy doesn’t play his best game, the 49ers’ roster is good enough to still win by three scores. That should worry the rest of the league.
