The NFL season has reached it’s unofficial halfway point, and the contenders are starting to pull away from the pretenders.
We have a new last place team and a new first place team this week, so let’s hop into the NFL Week 9 power rankings.
32. New York Giants
If you’re reading this, you had nine more net passing yards than the Giants did.
31. Arizona Cardinals
At least Kyler Murray is coming back.
30. Carolina Panthers
The Panthers got their first win, and Frank Reich-coached teams are notoriously very good in the second half of the season.
29. New England Patriots
Who would have thought that the win over the Bills didn’t mean the Patriots were all of a sudden in 2007 again? Oh, everybody? Swell. Moving along then.
28. Green Bay Packers
Put Don Majkowski under center at this point. The Packers are creeping towards Drake Maye territory if they weren’t already there.
27. Chicago Bears
The secret Bagent didn’t go Bond mode against the Chargers, but he’ll get the nod against the Saints with Justin Fields still recovering from the thumb injury.
26. Denver Broncos
Check hell for snowballs and the skies for pigs, the Broncos beat the Chiefs for the first time since Barack Obama’s second term.
25. Tennessee Titans
Oh my, the Mayo Missile, Will Levis, looks good, doesn’t he? He joins Marcus Mariota and Fran Tarkenton as the only quarterbacks in history to throw four touchdowns in his debut.
24. Las Vegas Raiders
Do you guys remember Sanjaya Malakar from the 2006 season of American Idol? That’s Jimmy Garoppolo- a handsome heart throb who is bad at his job.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs were a fun story in the first month of the season, but their inability to score points puts a hard ceiling on them. Playing in the NFC South, however, raises that hard ceiling just a smidge.
22. Atlanta Falcons
It’s Taylor Heinicke time in Atlanta, which means their offense will at least be fun to watch again.
21. Washington Commanders
Sam Howell has two wolves: Patrick Mahomes or Kyle Boller. We saw the former on Sunday, but unfortunately it wasn’t quite enough for the Commanders.
20. Indianapolis Colts
The Colts are like a Fast and Furious movie- just absolute chaos that makes no sense for hours on end, but they keep you engaged.
19. New Orleans Saints
The Saints are the Tokyo Drift to the Colts’ Fast and Furious- they are chaotic, but boring. Plus, Derek Carr reminds me of the main character from the movie.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers
Fun fact: Will Levis threw for twice as many touchdowns in his first game as Kenny Pickett ever has in any game. There’s no new way of talking about how bad the Steelers’ offense is, so I’ll just leave it at that.
17. Cleveland Browns
The Browns are the final Pokemon version of the Steelers- incredible defense with miserable quarterback play, and that bad quarterback play cost them a win.
16. Los Angeles Rams
The Rams got rammed by the Cowboys, and Matthew Stafford has a sprained UCL (I just found out what that was this week). Lord save them if he misses any time.
15. New York Jets
What an absolutely awful display of football in which the Jets somehow came away victorious. They’ll play the Chargers next week in what has the potential to be the dumbest game we’ve ever seen.
14. Los Angeles Chargers
Speaking of the Chargers, if they played the Bears every week, they’d be the best team in football. If they can get to 4-4, their playoff hopes will stay alive.
13. Houston Texans
Houston came up short in the battle of the top two picks in the draft, but they are still in the thick of the AFC Wildcard race.
12. Minnesota Vikings
This is likely the highest the Vikings will be on the power rankings for the remainder of the season after losing Kirk Cousins.
11. Seattle Seahawks
We all need to collectively start and sign a petition to make the Seahawks’ throwbacks their full-time look. I fully believe that is what gave them the luck to win in the waning minutes- Jaxon Smith-Njigba was pretty important, too.
10. Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys had a really nice win over the Rams, and Dak Prescott threw four touchdowns in the process- that’s as much as you could ask for if you’re a Cowboys fan.
9. San Francisco 49ers
It’s becoming “Purdy” clear that the 49ers just have a guy at quarterback. They’ve now lost three straight and have a trip to Duval after the bye week.
8. Detroit Lions
Hyperbolic statement alert: The Lions’ 2023 draft class may go down as one of the best of all time. Sam LaPorta and Jahmyr Gibbs are already out of this world, and they will only get better. This team shook off the embarrassment of last week and they are legitimate threats.
7. Cincinnati Bengals
Sweet Caroline, the Bengals are back. Joe Burrow played as close to a flawless game as he could, throwing only four incompletions and three touchdowns. The Bengals look like their normal selves, and they are getting hot at the right time. Next up- the Buffalo Bills on Sunday night.
6. Buffalo Bills
The Bills tried their hardest to let the Buccaneers win on Thursday night, but alas, they did just enough to not screw it up. They now gear up for a potential AFC Championship Game preview with the Bengals in Cincinnati.
5. Baltimore Ravens
The Cardinals had a legendary backdoor cover to make the score look closer than the game actually was. Baltimore should make a move for someone like Saquon Barkley to give them another go-to weapon down the stretch.
4. Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins’ offense is a video game, and the video game is Need For Speed. Plus they got Jalen Ramsey back well ahead of schedule to help the defense- watch out for “The Greatest Show on Surf.”
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jaguars have the longest win streak in the NFL, and that defense is quietly one of the best units in the league (and may also be adding a piece before the trade deadline). Trevor Lawrence is also playing great- the Jags are dangerous.
2. Kansas City Chiefs
Patrick Mahomes was sick, and he played like it, too as he lost his first road division game, which is still insane that it took this long for that to happen.
1. Philadelphia Eagles
A.J. Brown and Jalen Hurts may be the best duo in the league right now. Even on a bum knee, Hurts threw four touchdowns and the Eagles’ offense looked fantastic on the way to a win, and sweep, over the Commanders.
